NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts!
This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m at the
threshold of Chew the Fat Gym-Dandy Spa and— *gasps*
What’s going on in here? *stares at all vigorous activity*
GIRL: *sitting at desk filing her nails*
Hey, fella. Don’t just stand there. Time to get toned and tanned.
NOSEY: *glances around*
Who’re you talking to?
GIRL: *raises brows*
If anyone needs to sign up for Rocky Rolls’ Sweat’em and Deck’em Marathon,
it’s you.
NOSEY: Marathon? Me?…*points
to himself* Uhhh… as in, um, you don’t mean…er, exercise?
GIRL: Yeah, what’s the
matter? *pops bubblegum* You never heard the word before?
NOSEY: The ‘word’, as you put
it, does not apply to me. *puffs out chest* Feast on this fine
specimen of male eye candy.
GIRL: Puhlese! *gestures
at Nosey’s middle* Maybe you better feast your eyes on your own pouches.
NOSEY: For your information,
kid, that’s merely what makes me so magnetic.
GIRL: *rolls eyes*
Ugh!
*Woman jogs over and grabs Nosey’s elbow*
Did I hear you say you’re the official unofficial internet reporter?
NOSEY: Drew you over like a
marshmallow to a bonfire, eh? *grins
at girl* What’d I tell ya? This Nose attracts all the babes.
WOMAN: Babe? *glances from
girl back to Nosey* Hm. Maybe I ought to introduce myself. I’m Julie
Elizabeth Powell. C’mon. *pulls Nosey down aisle* We’ll have our
interview in my regular spot.
NOSEY: Your spot? Ooh la la.
Sounds kinda cool, heh heh, and— holy Jill Michaels! *gapes at two
gym-attired girlies as they stroll by. Nosey’s jaw drops and he releases
shrill whistle* Helloooo, dolls. *smoothes back hair with
fast hand* Ahem. I could get to, ya know, sorta liking this place, heh heh.
JEP: Glad to hear it. So,
then, can I… *pushes Nosey onto treadmill* sign you up for a membership?
NOSEY: Membership? *cranes
neck to watch disappearing girlies* For what?
JEP: For my referral
bonus.
NOSEY: I’m included with a
bonus? Heh heh, this place has class, after all.
JEP: On second thought… *winces*
With you, I’d probably only make about three cents.
NOSEY: Say, I’d go fast at
that price.
JEP: *coughs* Whatever.
NOSEY: Hey! *jerks back as
JEP straps a belt around Nosey*
JEP: Be still! *pushes
‘on’ button*
NOSEY: Whoa, horsey, stop! *legs
gallop at lightning speed* Lady, I’m a Pukelitzer Award winning journalist,
not a Kentucky Derby jockey!
JEP: Gimme a break. *snorts*
It’s only a ‘baby crawl’ speed. Here. *clicks gear* Now you’re at
‘snail pace’. Better?
NOSEY: I, uh… *pants*
I’ll take a message and… *gulps* get back to ya.
JEP: I’ll be right here. *jumps
on 2nd treadmill beside Nosey and races at ‘melting legs’ speed*
Let’s discuss my book, ‘Misadventures of Fat Woman’.
NOSEY: Where… *puffs*
Where is she?
JEP: Who?
NOSEY: You know… *swipes
back of hand across brow* Fatwoman.
JEP: That’s just the title
of my book.
NOSEY: Uh huh. So. *gives
labored breath* Ya got a blurb to go with that title?
JEP: *propeller legs zip right along, leaving
Nosey behind in virtual smokecloud* You betcha. Andi has
always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that unless
she is thin, she has no value.
NOSEY:
*silence…except for wheezing and moaning*
JEP:
*silence…except for running, sprinting, and pressing treadmill accelerator va
va voom!*
NOSEY:
*silence…except for wheezing and moaning*
JEP:
*silence…except for — well, more of the above*
NOSEY: Hey, lady. *gives pained look at JEP*
I’m dying here.
JEP: *whistles* Yeah! I just read those last four lines.
NOSEY: Well, then you gotta see… *loosens
tie* I, like, really need that blurb.
JEP: I told you already.
NOSEY: What? When?
JEP: Didn’t you hear? My blurb is: ‘Andi
has always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that
unless she is thin, she has no value’.
NOSEY: *frowns* Call that a blurb?
JEP: Of course.
NOSEY: *shakes
head*
Too skinny.
JEP: *shrugs* Blurbs are an odd creation; authors can
either give away the whole plot, or be obscure to the point of ‘what is this’,
or like me, can highlight the point of the book.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: In this case, Andi and her weight and how
she feels about it. Not all of my blurbs are as short, but, as with all of my
writing, it’s finished when my mind says it is.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: You know, Nosey. Like overworking a
painting, it’s counter-productive.
NOSEY: Yeah, but—
JEP: Besides… *grins* I don’t stick to
rules.
NOSEY: Don’t I know it!
JEP: *arches
brow*
How d’ya know?
NOSEY: By shoving me on this killing machine! *frantically
presses different buttons* Where’s the ‘off’ gizmo?
JEP: Aw, another minute or two will do you
good.
NOSEY: Good? Good? *screeches* I’m
already good, lady. As in fabulous, fantastic, fit as any Hercules.
JEP: Really? Who says?
NOSEY: You gotta ask? My fan poster, that’s who.
JEP: *blinks in
surprise*
What fan poster?
NOSEY: The one that reads ‘I’m the Man, and
Nothing but the Man’.
JEP: Wow. Where can I see that?
NOSEY: As if you don’t know. *snorts*
That’s the slogan for my Bleachy Blonde fan club.
JEP: *giggles* Ah, I see. Well, a little exercise won’t
hurt, Nosey. *gestures at his middle* There are a few
rolls showing.
NOSEY: *slaps
protective hand to cover bulge* Don’t get personal.
JEP: Ha,
ha! Are you feeling insecure,
Nosey? Doesn’t this prove that everyone
has an Achilles’ heel?
NOSEY: Whaddaya mean? Who’s
R. Killies?
JEP: What I mean is, I do
believe that fat people get the rough end of the stick because they are thought
to be at fault - completely.
NOSEY: Well, maybe, but—
JEP: I never judge a book
by its cover, as they say, but I hope that folks like the cover of Misadventures Of Fatwoman enough to give
it a try – yep, and laugh away the gloom.
NOSEY: *winded* Uh huh, but—
JEP: I do think that it’s a
relatable book, where many women - and possibly men - will recognize the very
real situations and sensations, and I hope it helps their battle!
*Macho muscular man with strong corded biceps and
glistening muscles straining at T-shirt and mountains of muscles stacked on top
of skyscraping muscles and - uh oh, said that already - well, anyway this
really terrific dude strides up*
MAN: Julie, who’s your
guest? *gazes Nosey up and down*
JEP: My interviewer, I.B.
Nosey. Nosey, meet Rocky Rolls, trainer.
RR: *sneers* He’s gonna take
a lot of work.
NOSEY: Fat lot you know, pal.
*wheezes* I’m not taking any work, I’m at work.
RR: Well, you’ll be glad
to hear that it’s your lucky day, man. You can sign up gratis for my class.
NOSEY: I’m not here for
school.
JEP: Er, Nosey, he means—
NOSEY: Anyway, I wouldn’t
sign up for nothing even if you offered it for free.
JEP: Ahem. *chuckles*
Don’t you like a good value, Nosey?
NOSEY: Huh uh. Nope. Not
interested. Uhhh… whad’ya mean?
JEP: Isn’t it obvious? I
think most of the Western world is aware of image, especially that of women. The
media’s constantly spouting how women should look and it’s certainly filtered
to men too.…
NOSEY: What’re ya talking
about including men? *gets indignant* In case you haven’t noticed, my
image is hunky good.
RR: *sniggers*
JEP: Hm. Be that as it may,
all I’m saying is that I only know about how I feel as a woman. Someone once
said that you can never be too rich or too thin - and that is constantly
bombarded throughout the lives of women.
NOSEY: Yeah. So, what’s your
point?
JEP: So, appreciate value,
because consider. Andi believes she has no value because - in this case - she
is fat…as this book is about weight and not money.
NOSEY: Uh huh. *looks
around and whispers* It’s not about Gum Drop Island chocolates, right?
RR: *scowls* I heard that.
Wait a minute, you two. This is a health club! Are you smuggling in little
nasties? *eyes narrow* And I know how you’re doing it. Stashing ‘em in
the tip of that weirdly glowing microphone, right? *grabs at Nosey’s
microphone*
NOSEY: This is the one, the
original, the only atomic battery microphone, and— it belongs to me!
RR: Something’s… *frowns
and shakes mike* fishy with this thing.
NOSEY: I dropped a slice of
anchovy pizza on it. *snatches mike back* Do you mind?
JEP: Er, it’s nothing, RR.
Really. *leans closer to Nosey* So you know, huh?
NOSEY: Yeah, I… *gulps*
B-b-but Andi didn’t - did she?
JEP: *nods* I’m afraid it’s
true. She’s eaten 25 boxes of Gum Drop Island chocolates every day!
NOSEY: *grips microphone tighter*
But they don’t cause weight gain! Honest! They can’t!
JEP: Of course not! Don’t you think I know that each delicious
bite of Gum Drop Island candy is virtually calorie-free — seeing as how it’s
only virtual, I mean.
NOSEY: Uhhh… say that again.
JEP: There’s no need,
Nosey, because she even states the kinds of things she eats, but enjoys what
are considered no-nos, such as cake - and on her, one bite can add pounds! However, no matter how hard she tries, the
weight sticks to her like a nappy on a sumo-wrestler.
NOSEY: A - a nappy? Oh, you
mean… *clutches stomach* Man, I gotta stop this merry-go-round ride.
JEP: Oops, sorry. Probably
a bad analogy, but really, the point I’m making is that even if she could be
her ‘ideal’ weight, she’d forever think of herself as ugly. It becomes engrained.
NOSEY: I know the world is in
love with Gum Drop Island candy, but for someone to chow down on 25 boxes—
JEP: Andi’s not in love
with the candy, Nosey. *laughs* She already has a romance in her life.
NOSEY: I know that.
JEP: You do?
NOSEY: Sure. She’s asked to
be president of my fan club. *smirks* That gal’s head over heels for me.
JEP: Let me see if I can
put this delicately… I’m sure she would be, Nosey, but I think her husband
would have something to say about that.
NOSEY: *blinks in alarm*
Whoa, that could turn into an ‘ouchy’ situation.
JEP: Possibly, but I can’t
say too much because it would spoil the plot. Nevertheless, she’s been through
a terrible time. Ray is her second husband, the first disaster being attached
to her insecurities and weight; therefore, she has trouble believing anyone
could love her.
NOSEY: I gotta tell ya, Ms.
Powell… *exhales* this is one wild, different kind of story and— uh, not
to mention seasick treadmills.
JEP: Well, here. *chuckles*
Let me slow it down even more. *switches gear* My six hours is
about up, anyway.
NOSEY: Six hours! You ride
this thing that long?
JEP: How else do you think
I stay in shape?
NOSEY: Why do you bother? *gestures
wildly* You’re already so dynamic looking.
JEP: Oh, thank you, Nosey. *flutters
lashes* But what do you think inspired me to become like this?
NOSEY: *scratches head*
I dunno. You tell me.
JEP: Andi’s story.
NOSEY: Huh?
JEP: Yes! I’ve battled with
weight problems all my life. Even as a child -although, when I look at those
pictures I wasn’t fat at all. It’s
strange how the opinions of others can defeat us and make us think we are of no
value.
NOSEY: Well, yeah, I guess,
but—
JEP: That sea-saw through
life inspired me to write about the feelings involved, although it had to be
done using humor. It’s the only way to beat the negative, and is a wonderful
shield.
NOSEY: It is?
JEP: Uh huh. Because if you
don’t laugh at such things then you’d break down – or smash folks in the face
with that cream cake.
*Gals wearing boxing gloves hurry up to RR*
GAL ONE: Rocky, we got a
problem. Hammer-Hand Hannah destroyed the last punching bag. What’re we gonna
do?
HHH: I’m in adrenalin
overdrive. *gloved fists punch air* Gotta slug something, gotta knock
out something! Pow! Pow!
GAL ONE: Easy, Hannah. Rocky’ll
come up with an idea. Won’t ya, Rock?
RR: Absolutely. *gives
sly grin* And it’s right here. *grabs Nosey and hoists him up*
Brand new punching bag, Hannah. Go to it! *RR’s iron grip squeezes Nosey in
a not-so-cuddly hug*
GAL ONE: Lookit, Rocky. His
pouches! *points at Nosey’s middle* They’re bursting open!
HHH: And what d’ya know?
They’re crammed with Gum Drop Island candy. *licks lips*
RR: *snarls* I knew
something was rotten with this guy! *drops Nosey and he falls -splat!-
against mounds of glistening Gum Drop Island chocolate*
GALS: Whoo hoo! Let’s dive
in! *moves to gobble up Nosey’s horde*
RR: Keep away! Didn’t you
hear JEP? Andi ate 25 boxes a day and now she’s called Misadventures of
Fatwoman.
GAL ONE: *counters*
Didn’t you listen? JEP also said these yummy babies are ‘virtually
calorie-free’.
NOSEY: And not only that… *leaps
to feet* They’re mine! *brushes down sides of blazer*
Sheesh, can’t a guy keep his dessert private anymore?
HHH: No, a guy can’t.
*shakes fist under Nosey’s jaw* You’re sharing them, fella!
NOSEY: Ahhh… *nervous
chuckle* I don’t think so! *snatches up candy in one single swipe… (dear
reader, if you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you know he has lots of
practice doing this)… and makes a ‘clean’ getaway by fleeing stage left*
HHH: And what are we gonna
do, people? *shouts to everyone in room*
CROWD: *roars* That candy’s ours!
*en-masse, they torpedo behind Nosey in one wild-eyed, crazed, give-me-my-Gum-Drop-Island-mouth-drooling
hot footed pursuit*
JEP: But, Nosey! *calls
out* I wanted to thank you and everyone who reads my books. You can’t leave
now!
NOSEY: Sorry, Ms. Powell. *voice
fades in distance* But I don’t let nobody steal nothing from this
reporter!
RR: Ha! Then how come I… *raises object above head in victory stance* have your atomic-anchovy microphone!
***************
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