Thursday, July 17, 2014

Ginger Simpson Gallops Along with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m coming to you from outside that old west ‘Drop ‘em Like Flies Saloon’. *bounces through doorway, halts, and announces* And a moo-moo greetings to you, cowboys and cowbulls! ‘Moo-moo’, ‘cow’, ‘bulls’, get it? Heh heh. I’m here to tell you to wait no longer to strike that rich Texas oil. Yes, I.B. Nosey is going to make each and everyone of you famous! How? By including you in my Pukelitzer Award winning interview! Hold up a mug of Gum Drop Island’s Razzle Dazzle Sock-It-To-Me Sweet Thang in celebration!

*Silence. Squnity-eyed men stare*

NOSEY: Er… *steps back* Was it something I said?

1st MAN: *sneers* Lookit the city slicker.

2nd MAN: Who’s he?

3th MAN: *shrugs* Town idiot, Ah reckon.

1st MAN: Ah’ve seen that stupid face somewhere before. 

*Woman walks up* Sure you have, fellas. This is I.B. Nosey, the cyberspace reporter. Isn’t he… *scans Nosey from head to toe* something else?

NOSEY: *gulps* Uh, hm. I dunno… *edges toward door* Maybe I wrote down the wrong—

WOMAN: Oh no, you don’t. *grabs Nosey’s arm* You provide affordable interviews -as in cheap- so you stay put.


GS: I’m Ginger Jones Simpson and we’re gonna talk about my book Odessa.


GS: Sit down. *shoves Nosey into chair*


3th MAN: *rises from table* You gotta lot o’ nerve, missy. We don’t cotton to the likes of this tastelessly attired, fleet-of-foot and wide-of-mouth inquiring nose.


GS: What kind do you cotton to?

2nd MAN: *spits stream of tobacco on floor* This here is a manly saloon.

GS: Oh, that! *waves dismissive hand* No problem, sugar. My hero, Zach, floods, I mean absolutely floods, the boots of a manly man, uh huh. But the only way you can learn about him is to let Nosey introduce him. See? *smiles beguilely*

3th MAN: *shuffles feet* Well…

GS: Sure, let’s get started. Here’s my book, Nosey. Why don’t you read the blurb? *leans down to whisper* Better get a move on before that Valium I dropped in their buttermilk wears off.

NOSEY: Buttermilk? In a doggy salon— um, I mean, manly saloon?

GS: *gives surprised blink* Well, this is a G-rated blog. They can’t drink anything stronger, can they?

NOSEY: Oh, er, right. Right! Ahem. Let’s see… *glances warily at men before checking back of book* Odessa by Ginger Simpson. ‘When the wagon carrying Odessa Clay and her father overturns, he is killed. She is left alone in the middle of the desert to try and find her way to kin in Phoenix. Hot, dry and scared, Odessa is near death when Zach Johnson finds her. Squinting up into his tanned and handsome face, she imagines she’s died and gone to heaven. Would-be-outlaw, Zach comes across an unconscious woman alone in the middle of nowhere. Where did she come from? She appears young, but the curves beneath the dusty gingham say otherwise’… Yikes! *Nosey jumps*

GS: What’s the matter?

NOSEY: Those curves! Did a slinking rattlesnake make ‘em?

GS: *clicks tongue* Boy, you are nosy, Nosey. I realize you might be na├»ve about a lot of things, but I think you’re just blowing smoke when you deny knowing what makes a woman curvy. *wags brows* Right?

NOSEY: I dunno. Could be the cut of her shawl. After all, my tweedy-weedy blazers make it appear as if I have broad shoulders.

GS: Oh, is that your secret?

*Men snigger and snort in their buttermilk, blowing bubbles*

NOSEY: Ah… *straightens tie and clears throat* Moving right along. Where was I? *checks blurb* Er, yeah. Here we go: ‘…Zach didn’t plan to become someone’s hero, but he cannot leave her helpless and stranded. Will the promise of Odessa’s sweet lips lure Zach from the secret mission that has his gut twisted into a knot? His father’s ranch isn’t the only thing at stake - now it’s his heart, too.’…*Nosey looks up* A twisted gut? Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.

GS: You think?

NOSEY: Well, how’d that happen? Wait, I know! *snaps fingers* Out there in the desert, he grabbed the first thing to eat he could find. Yeah, bet he munched down on a whole saddlebag of Dollar Hollar hot pepper taffies. Why didn’t he carry a stash of Gum Drop Island chocolate?

GS: Chocolate? In the desert heat? Can’t you imagine the fine mess that’d make? It’d be a perfectly splendid waste of the world’s finest chocolate. C’mon, Nosey. My Zach is smarter than that.

NOSEY: Yeah?

GS: You contradict me?

NOSEY: Oh, no! No. Who? Me? No way, lady. *gives nervous chuckle*

GS: Hm. Anyway, I don’t think his twisted gut is the result of something he ate, but rather something he said he’d do that he now realizes he doesn’t want to do.

NOSEY: Uh… Run that by me again.

GS: It’s like this - If you’ve ever made a decision you regretted and stress over following through, then I think you’d understand.

NOSEY: Uhhh….

GS: Which… *sighs* you don’t understand. Okay, let me make this simple: ‘Gut in a knot’ is just an analogy for the sick feeling one gets when they’re stressing.

NOSEY: Why, sure it is. I get it. Heh heh. I’m brighter than a 40-watt bulb, you know.

MEN: But ya blown yer fuse! *hoots with laughter*

GS: Hey! *shouts at men* Shut up and drink your buttermilk before all the flies drown!

1st MAN: *looks at glass* Ah thought them were cocoa puffs.

NOSEY: *groans* Oh, please.

GS: *turns back to Nosey* Where were we?

NOSEY: I, um… *backs toward door* think I hear Odessa calling me.

GS: Calling you instead of Zach? You’ve got to be kidding.

NOSEY: ‘eyyy, why’s that so hard to believe? That handsome face she gazed into and fancied ‘she’d gone to heaven’ just happened to belong to me, you know.

GS: *shakes head* Honestly, I don’t think anyone would have to explain the difference in looks.


GS: I said she fancies she’s gone to heaven, not to the other ‘h’ word.


GS: No offense, Nosey, but you aren’t exactly the tall, dark, and handsome hero women expect to find in romance novels.

NOSEY: Maybe not in romance novels, but… *tilts face to show profile* they find this Nose in their dreams.

GS: Ugh. *places hand over stomach* I think my gut just twisted.

NOSEY: Need a Kleenex? *offers one*

GS: *gives suspicious look* It looks used.

NOSEY: Uh, well, they were purchased at Dollar Hollar as I moseyed my way over here.

GS: I’ll pass. 

NOSEY: Heh heh. Curious thing about Kleenex. They’re ‘kin to Phoenix’, ya know.

GS: *rolls eyes* Nosey, I wonder about you. But let’s get this straight about Phoenix, because that’s where Odessa has kin - like in family. But the one thing about Phoenix, is that it rose from the ashes - which makes sense ‘cause it gets pretty darn hot there.

NOSEY: *frowns* Wait a minute. Okay, so she was on her way to Phoenix, right? *checks book blurb* But you say here, ‘Would-be outlaw, Zach, comes across an unconscious woman alone in the middle of nowhere…’

GS: *shrugs* Your point?

NOSEY: Are they in Phoenix? Or in The Middle of Nowhere? Or at the Bottom of Nowhere? You ought to make that real plain, ma’am.

GS: *nods* So that any moron can understand?

NOSEY: Yeah, I - huh?

GS: No problem, Nosey. See, at least in the middle you have a choice of which way to go. You can go up, down, or to either side, and the trip is pretty much an equal distance. If you’re at the bottom, it’s a long trip to the middle and even further to the top.

NOSEY: Uhhh….

GS: Got it now, moron?

NOSEY: Where? *looks around*

GS: *giggles* Is there anything else I can tell you about my book?

NOSEY: Well, I just wondered why you wanted to make it a western.

GS: Why wouldn’t I?

NOSEY: Westerns are- let’s be honest here- nothing more exciting than recycled Bonanzas. Lots of dusty, dry landscapes, aluminum rocks, fake cactuses—

GS: Cacti?

NOSEY: The cat died? *whistles* Gotta admit. Never saw that on Bonanza.

GS: *sighs* Well, not in my book either, Nosey. But I wrote this as a western because that time period is my favorite. You see, I was raised on a steady diet of TV westerns and the Grand Ol’ Opry.

NOSEY: Grand ol’ opry. Got ‘cha. Uh huh.

GS: Do you even know what the Grand Ol’ Opry is?

NOSEY: What’d ya take me for? Of course I know. It’s a kind of piano thingie. Like the ones they use in these here saloons. *waves arm to encompass surroundings* Saloons. Westerns. Grand Ol’ Opries. Duh.

GS: Hm. Well. *clears throat* As I was saying - I even remember watching the Spade Cooley Show. Remember library cards? I’ll bet if you could visit my grammar school, you’d find I was the one who checked out all of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books on a regular basis.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

1st MAN: *slams fist on tabletop* Ah knew Ah’d seen ‘im before! Lookit over there, fellas!

*Men turn and stare at ‘Wanted’ poster tacked on wall*

2nd MAN: A million dollars? *gapes at Nosey* For him?

GS: Excuse me? What are you saying?

3th MAN: Git a eyeful, gal.

*GS walks to wall and reads aloud:*…Wanted: Million Dollar Reward for I.B. Nosey, Escapee from the White Coats Funny Farm Asylum.

NOSEY: Heh heh. *tugs at collar* I’m not an escapee, folks. I was only there to give an interview to Dr. Nutz E. Padmywallet, but—

MEN: After him! *they jump up and rush at Nosey*

GS: Hold on, guys. *picks up table and whollops ‘em over the head* The only person grabbing that poster boy is me.

NOSEY: Thank you, Ms. Simpson. For a minute there, I— Ooh. *edges away from determined glint in GS’ eyes* You’re not— you’re not— you are! *turns tail and charges out of saloon*

GS: Hey, Nosey! *snatches strait jacket off wall peg and chases behind* Come back here! Things are just getting exciting!

NOSEY: Not for me, lady. I’m gittin’ out of Dodge ‘cause… *blazes dusty trail down middle of street*… this town ain’t big enough for the both of us!


Available at Amazon



Ginger Simpson grew up reading anything by Laura Ingalls Wilder and became so fascinated with western historical novels, they've remained her favorite for more years than she cares to admit.

In 2002, Ginger decided to attempt writing her own novel, and in 2003 her first offering, Prairie Peace, was published. Since then, she's dabbled in other genres but always seems to migrate back to her favorite historical era. As all authors continue to learn through the process, so has Ginger, and her debut novel has been recently released with a new cover and title, Destiny's Bride.

At the beginning, Ginger accepted contracts with e-publishers with the realization her work would not be offered in actual stores, rather made available for sale by download or ordering through Internet sites. At the time, the reward of acceptance was enough, and the prayer that downloadable books would grow in popularity seems to have come to pass. Ginger admits she's no spring chicken, and her final goal is to see at least one of her works available in an actual "brick and mortar" store just so she can nod when someone asks if Walmart sells her books.

For more information, visit Ginger's site.

(Thank you for visiting Feeling Nosey? If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your very own! Use the Contact Form to get in touch with Nosey.)

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Gary Henson Snatches Space with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m coming to you from— *sits upright and gasps* My Nosey sense tells me I’m not in Kansas, Toto. *looks around at unfamiliar surroundings* Holy Mars bars! *races to nearby window* Is that the milky way out there?

MAN’S VOICE: Those aren’t peanut butter cups streaking by, pal.

NOSEY: *whirls around* Who are you? *gulps* And where am I?

GH: I’m Gary Henson. And you’ve obviously been snatched from earth. You’re now aboard the starship ‘Around & Around We Go’.

NOSEY: B-b-but—

GH: Hold on a sec. Let me check something. *walks to console and keys in on computer*

NOSEY: *shrieks* What is that? *points to creature atop console*

GH: This little guy? It’s Arlo. He’s a panther chameleon.

NOSEY: A p-p-panther?

GH: A panther chameleon. Or, more appropriately, a ‘Furcifer Pardalis’ for any Latin freaks. That means he’s a small lizard that can change his coloring and has weird ‘furci’ or forked feet.

NOSEY: I don’t see no forks.

GH: Then you don’t have eyes like Arlo’s. His can spin, independently, like gun turrets.

NOSEY: *swallows* Man, he’s a big rascal.

GH: Nah, he’s only about two feet long.

NOSEY: Uh, is he hungry? *slaps protective hand against blazer pocket as Arlo ambles over*

GH: Why? Do you have any Cajun gnats on you? He prefers them salted, grilled, and served with a side of onions.

NOSEY: *blanches* Gross.

GH: Gross is what he eats for dessert.

NOSEY: And that’s not me, Mister Forked Eyeballs! *jerks away as Arlo grabs mouthful of jacket cuff*

GH: What’s this coming up on the screen? *gazes at computer data* Cool. It says here that you’re an interviewer?

NOSEY: I’m more than that. I’m the official unofficial reporter, winner of the coveted Pukelitzer Award and—

GH: Uh huh. But it says here that you interview authors.

NOSEY: Well…

GH: How about that! Guess what? You’re in for a treat, Nosey, because I’m an author.  

NOSEY: Are you kidding me? *gnashes teeth* I’m, like, fifty gazillion light bulbs from Earth and—

GH: Light years.

NOSEY: Yeah, those too. Anyway, how of all places, do I meet up with an author here?

GH: *grins* Like I said, a real treat.

NOSEY: I’d rather be treated to solid ground, buddy. Why aren’t you flying this contraption toward home?

GH: *shrugs* I’m not a pilot. Besides, the automated navigation system is on lunch break.

NOSEY: If you’re not a pilot, then what are you doing here?

GH: I was snatched too. Like you. Like Jake and Arlo.

NOSEY: Who’s Jake? *looks around*

GH: Let me show you. *punches on computer keys* See? My book, ‘Arlo and Jake Enlist’.

NOSEY: Where did he—? Never mind. Don’t tell me.

GH: Aw, c’mon. Give me an interview. *checks watch* It’s at least ten more minutes before navigation clocks in. Besides… *twitches brows* You’re already nosy about how we all got to be snatched up here, right?

NOSEY: Er, um, well. Nosey is my name, you know.

GH: That’s what I thought. So let me fill you in by reading the blurb of my book: ‘Arlo and Jake are the unlikely heroes of this Sci-Fi adventure series. Not unwilling, mind you, but certainly not prepared to be snatched off their comfortable beach side bungalow and tossed into interstellar war. The Universe that Jake and Arlo are snapped up into has handsome men and beautiful women of all shapes, sizes and species. Why? Because when you join the fight you're dunked into a DNA-syncing goo that tags your genome to your prime age and enhances your perceptions! And, oh by the way, Arlo becomes sentient…’

NOSEY: Old age, eh? *eyes Arlo with sympathy - sorta*

GH: Not senile. Sentient. *chuckles* Anyway, let me continue: ‘The Universe also has some pretty awesome bad guys. A giant Octozoid warrior class, whale-like command class, and of course it has the sacrificial grunts, who not only man the coral ships of the GHA but have to keep from being dinner for the larger species! Being at the bottom of the food and command chain stinks. Jake Jasper is a retired software geek and ex-nuclear submarine wing nut. After losing his wife and childhood sweetheart to cancer he decided to move down to Port Aransas, Texas, where he and his wife used to vacation.’

NOSEY: They should’ve vacationed on Gum Drop Island instead, then none of this would’ve happened!

GH: *nods* Possibly. If Jake had known about Gum Drop Island he would have headed to Moldy Corners for a little adventure.

NOSEY: For real? What does Moldy Corners have that Gum Drop Island doesn’t?

GH: They have beer and brats there, right? No? Sorry. There has to be beer and brats for Jake to even consider going anywhere.

NOSEY: Next you’ll tell me he fights Arlo for those Cajun gnats. Hey! Scram, Louisiana Hot Sauce breath! *smacks Arlo away before he can chomp down on a blazer button*

GH: Jake’s too busy fighting Octozoid warriors and other nasties. In addition to being a retired US Navy Nuclear Submariner, he’s also a pioneer in Artificial Intelligence software. After leaving the Navy, he formed a software company that created some of the awesome’est AI constructs in the Universe.


GH: Right. Artificial Intelligence. You know, not real brains. *hesitates* Like some people.

NOSEY: Uh oh. *gulps*

GH: You’re pale, Nosey. What is it?

NOSEY: Why was I zapped up here? Is it because I’m a real brain?

GH: Um… how’s that again?

NOSEY: Yeah, dude. I’m one of a kind. There’s nobody like me on Earth.

GH: I get a feeling you’re right about that. Hm. Why would they want you in this Universe?

NOSEY: Yeah, this Universe. Is it… *gives apprehensive glance around* next door to the Zone?

GH: Auto?

NOSEY: Otto what?

GH: No. Wait. I think you meant Twilight. And we’re not exactly there because we’re still in ‘our’ Universe, but the stories are set in galaxies far, far away.

NOSEY: Good. *sighs with relief*

GH: Or bad. Because evil, slimy species are trying to ‘aquaform’ planets to colonize. Only problem is, these planets already have land-lubber species that like their dirt just the way it is. Or, said another way - they’re drowning the locals to make way for underwater condos.

NOSEY: But what has that to do with snatching me? All I was doing was trying to set up another Pukelitzer Award ceremony. I have the list of eager attendees right here… *withdraws an inch long strip of paper from pocket* Oh, no. This is not good.

GH: Why? Is it blank?

NOSEY: How did you— ? Ahem.

GH: Let me see. *grabs paper and then whistles* Only two names written here and they’re penciled through. Wow. Jake and Arlo were supposed to give the opening speech? Sorry, Nosey. *makes apologetic grimace* But they got snatched up before they could make an appearance. Jake tried to send his regrets. He was aboard the battleship ‘Triumph’ and the email server was down.

NOSEY: It took a lunch break too, I guess. *frowns with sarcasm*

GH: Actually, it was something about ion storms or exploding suns interfering with all the space yak.

NOSEY: Yak yak, yeah, yeah. I— hey! For the last time, cut it out, Mr. Godzilla Lizard! *knocks Arlo away as he tugs on loose string* What’s his problem, man?

GH: I’d say he finds your paint-splattered smock attractive.

NOSEY: Let him 'find' his own paint-splattered - um, his own tweedy-weedy blazer.

GH: I dunno. Jake’s idea of casual is Hawaiian shirt, beach cutoffs, flip-flops, and a Navy ball cap. He would feel silly in such a swell jacket.

NOSEY:Swell jacket’? *puffs out chest* Heh heh. Gotta say, you know class when you see it, fella. 

GH: Whoa! I know trouble when I see it too! *stares at computer’s flashing warning lights*

NOSEY: What’s going on? What does that word ‘DANGER’ mean?

GH: *arches brow* Did you really ask that?

NOSEY: Whatsa matter? Don’t you know the answer?

GH: Nosey… *inhales sharp breath* We’re being hailed by a F.R.Y. vessel. And that can only mean…

NOSEY: What??? *bites nails*

GH: It’s - it’s - *gulps* BARF TATER!

NOSEY: *screams* Barf Tater!!! Not him! Not— uh, who’s he?

GH: *backs away from computer* Barf Tater is the meanest spud that ever sprouted. Remember those Octozoid warriors I mentioned? They’re twelve-foot creatures that resemble an octopus who knows how to stand on four of its tentacles and use the other four to rip its food to pieces. But Barf Tater… *sends searching gaze around as if seeking where to hide* He makes an Octozoid nothing more deadly than a puff of cotton candy.

NOSEY: Aaiiiii!! *races around cabin*

*Barf Tater’s image pops onto computer screen*

BARF: Earthlings, prepare to join my army of half-baked Tater Tots. Resistance is futile. Simply because if you dare to do so you will be either boiled, mashed, or fried. Your choice.

NOSEY: Uh, uh, uhhh…. *gives desperate glance around* My choice is to go home. Yeah. Wait. This worked for Dorothy. *clicks heels* There’s no place like my Nosey home. There’s no place like—

BARF: Aw, shut up. *beam of light spears cabin and latches onto Nosey. He disappears, leaving behind the wailing echo ofI’m the official unoffi—*

GH: Wowzer. *watches the F.R.Y. vessel arc into Crisco Oil warp speed and bolt into the next galaxy* Gotta admit, Nosey. You are one reporter that’s outta this world, but— Come back! You snatched Arlo!


Available on Amazon

Gary likes B Movies (especially Elvira's), hard Sci Fi, ZZ-Top and Bach. He enjoys sitting on the patio, reading or writing and sipping a Texas red wine.
He's the author of 'Genome', a ghost story with a techno twist and a humorous SciFi series called 'Arlo and Jake'. Be cool!

For more information, visit Gary at his blog.


(Thank you for visiting Feeling Nosey? If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your very own! Use the Contact Form to get in touch with Nosey.)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Geeta Kakade Goes Clubbing with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m coming to you from the deep forest known as ‘Ha Ha Hee Hee’ where I’m stopped at… *looks up into foliage of large tree* There’s a sign that says: ‘Green and Gold Mystery Club. For assistance, press button’. *shrugs* I’m game. *presses button beside intercom*

WOMAN’S VOICE RESPONDS: Who’s ringing my bell?

NOSEY: Uhh…This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial report—

WOMAN: Nosey! *squeals* At last!

*Mechanical claw descends from treetop and reaches for Nosey*

NOSEY: Hey! Whatsa— Put me down! *stares at widening gap between his dangling feet and the ground* On second thought, cancel that order!

*Machine drops Nosey to porch of sky high treehouse. Door is yanked open and woman grabs his arm* Get in here! We’re expecting you!

NOSEY: Wow. *gazes around with wide eyes* This is the biggest tree house I’ve ever seen in all my entire cyber life.

WOMAN: Goody! I’m glad you like it. *draws Nosey further inside* Now. I’m Geeta Kakade, and you’re here to interview me. I’m so excited! And so are my friends. *gestures to others in room*

*Women stare at Nosey and he stares back…they stare…he stares…they stare…he stares…*

NOSEY: Man, if they were any more excited they'd be pushing up daises.

GK: You’re clever! *giggles* Here’s my book, Nosey. Do your Pukelitzer Award winning magic.

NOSEY: Heh heh. *puffs out chest* My reputation precedes me, eh?

GK: Especially when it’s splattered all over your advertisement. *holds up newspaper* What, exactly, is a Pukelitzer Award?

NOSEY: Well, er… *starts as one woman advances slowly* Ahem. *straightens tie* First things first, Ms. Kakade. Why don’t we begin that interview by my reading the blurb?

GK: Yes, do! *claps hands*

NOSEY: Your book is titled ‘The January Green and Gold Mystery Series’ and the blurb goes like this: ‘Bethany Graham is an introvert almost fourteen years old. Since her dad died, she prefers her own company to anyone else’s. Very conscious of her large frame (she feels she’s built like Fort Knox)…*Nosey chuckles*

GK: Why do you find that funny?

NOSEY: Just thinking she must be worth a gold mine. *gives weak chuckle and glances at woman who edges closer. Nosey shies away* Uhh…let me continue. ‘…the last thing Bethany wants in the world is to draw attention to herself. How will she explain to Alexis Evelyn Raquel Rodger the fifth that her mother has hired a sari-clad Indian Math tutor for her? Lexi will die laughing and Bethany is sure she will die of humiliation when Lexis spreads the word. Bethany soon discovers Mrs. Jaya Nadine—

GK: Naidu.

NOSEY: What you said, yeah. ‘…that she isn’t just a sari-clad Math tutor. She’s lived a fascinating life and has actually solved several crimes. With her help, Bethany starts a mystery club and suddenly she’s in demand. The proof of the pudding is in the eating and will Bethany and the members of the Green and Gold Mystery Club be able to discover who’s behind a local burglary or will the Club dissolve before it gets off the ground?’

NOSEY: *whistles* Don’t let the club dissolve while I’m standing in it!

GK: Oh, tosh. *waves airy hand* Solid as a rock is this club house… *hesitates as gust of wind moans past, rattling the wooden frame walls* Hm. Maybe we should proceed right along, Nosey.

NOSEY: Yeah, yeah. Let’s do. *swallows* Okay. First question. What does the title ‘January Green and Gold Mystery’ mean?

GK: I thought you’d be nosey about that, Nosey.

NOSEY: Why, sure. After all, how did January turn green and gold?

GK:  It’s a long convoluted story as some tales are—

NOSEY: Don’t believe we have time for long or convoluted here, ma’am. *gives double glance to the still advancing woman*

GK: I’ll make it short. Okay, Lexi, of course, thought names of lipsticks and nail polishes. ‘Crimson Madness Club’ or ‘Luscious Fuschia Club’ -- go figure!

NOSEY: Uh huh.

GK:The Green Valley Mystery Club’ was suggested and Mrs. Naidu commented Green was a strong color and it stood for Mother Earth—

NOSEY: Uh huh.

GK: Then Lexi said her mother had a green and gold scarf and those colors went really well together.

NOSEY: That Mrs. Nai— Nihoo— Nina—

GK: Naidu. Honestly, Nosey. What’s hard about that itty-bitty word? She thinks you don’t like her, although I told her it’s just that you don’t have a very clear picture of her yet.  

NOSEY: Uhh… *jerks thumb toward woman who steps closer* Is this her? The one daring me with her eyes to breathe?

GK: Oh, that’s Mama. *smiles at older woman* Mama, did you wish to speak to Nosey?

MAMA: Where did you find him, Geeta?

GK: I told you I saw his advert in the paper.

MAMA: Which section? *frowns*Free to a Good Home’?

NOSEY: *snarls* Hey, I resemble that.

GK: Ahem. *turns Nosey away from Mama* Where are we, Nosey?

NOSEY: In a mystery clubhouse…*sings in tune to 'Rock-a-bye Baby'* in the treetops, swaying to the mercy of the wind.

GK: *winces* A bit off key there, dear Nosey. But I meant in your notes. *taps pad in Nosey’s hand*

NOSEY: *checks paper* Oh, yeah. Let’s see. Here’s a follow up question: What sort of crimes did that Indian lady solve?

GK: In her own words, ‘There was the time the Maharajah of Mysore’s cousin lost his ruby ring and then there was the time Mrs. Kumar’s jewelry was stolen and we caught the thief’. She especially wants you to know, Nosey, that ‘Solving mysteries isn’t in the action. It’s in the ability to think things through clearly and put two and two together.’

NOSEY: No, thanks. I’ll pass on those tu-tu’s.

GK: *coughs* Yes. Scary thought, that. Um, what else can I tell you about Bethany?

NOSEY: What happened with her dad?

GK: The judge died of a stroke, poor man. They found him in his chambers and— *gasps* There, there, Nosey! Don’t cry, dear. I know you have a kind heart beneath that ‘have to know it all’ exterior! 

NOSEY: I do?

GK: *flutters lashes* Why, Nosey. You're speaking marriage vow words.

NOSEY: *draws away* Whoa, woman.

MAMA: Geeta, did you find him in ‘Lost & Found’? He should have stayed lost.

NOSEY: Hey, lady! For your information, I’m always lost.

GK: Nosey, hush! Remember, you’re a professional. You must keep your cool.

NOSEY: Heh heh, that’s me in a nutshell.

GK: Mama! *raises warning finger* Don’t say it. *clears throat* Shall we continue, Nosey?

NOSEY: Ah… *looks from GK to MAMA and back again* do I say ‘yeah’?

GK: Of course. What other questions do you have?

NOSEY: Since you asked, there’s one thing in particular that bugged me.

GK: Which is?

NOSEY: If Bethany feels so bad, that little girl needs to hop aboard for a sail to Gum Drop Island. You know I’m the official unofficial spokesman for Yuri Wiseguy-eh, right? So I’m able to offer her a complimentary ticket, but she said ‘no way’. And so, I’m like ‘okay, kiddo. No chocolate off my nose’.

GK: That’s a unique way of putting it. But, with Bethany, it’s like this: she’s very close to her mom and—

NOSEY: *groans*

GK: She won’t accept the ticket because she knows running away doesn’t solve problems.

NOSEY: I dunno. Running away always helps me.

GK: *nods* Can’t argue with that.

NOSEY: And something else I wanted to ask. *steps closer* What about that burglary? What did they rob? A Dollar Hollar candy store? *drops voice* Which wouldn’t be a bad idea, ya know.

GK: It wasn’t that. The crooks robbed themselves and then filed a claim for the insurance money so they could run off and live criminally ever after.

NOSEY: Yeah? *strokes chin in consideration* That’s kinda creative, actually. Say, Ms. Kakade, I offered to report about Bethany’s mystery club, but that Mrs. Pocohantas objected. Does she have something personal against the Nose? Although, heh heh, it adds a certain ‘point’ to my rugged manliness, eh? *tilts face to show profile*

GK: It’s just a teeny little matter, Nosey. Really, it’s hardly worth mentioning, but, um…um… It’s like this - Would you come to a very English high tea and remember to hold your pinkie in the air while you sip Earl Grey from a Royal Doulton cup, and not make those horrible slurping sounds you usually make?

NOSEY: What! Gimme a break! *mutters* Why is every female a critic?

GK: Then again, on second thought, I could be wrong, you know. Maybe Mrs. Naidu doesn’t want the teens exposed to the paparazzi. Not that you are that kind of reporter! Oh, no, no. But she cares about the teens, you see. She’s lonely since her husband died and the children fill a big gap in her life.

NOSEY: Even that Alexis Evelyn Raquel Rodger the fifth? *works lips in stretching exercise* Man, what a mouthful. Beats me why Bethany would be concerned about that girl’s opinion.

GK: Oh, but Lexi’s mother was Miss California and Lexi acts as if she’s going to be Miss Universe. She can’t understand why Beth prefers reading over chatting about boys, and doesn’t want to discuss movies, make-up, clothes ad nauseum—

NOSEY: Ad who?

MAMA: Geeta. *walks up and pulls GK away* That’s enough. And you must stop reading the paper. I think you found him under ‘Recycled Rubbish’.

NOSEY: ‘eyyy! That’s trash talk, Mama!

GK: Nosey, thanks for being a pal and.. *calls over shoulder as Mama drags her to far corner (which, dear reader, is an impossibility inside a circular tree house)*… highlighting my book, ‘The January Green and Gold Mystery’. You know what curiosity did to the cat so take care with future endeavors. I wouldn’t want anything mysterious to happen to you.

NOSEY: Huh? What mysterious happening? *darts anxious gaze left to right, up and down, around and around*

GK: Mrs. Naidu and the four teenagers want you available to investigate every crime they solve from January to December!

*Door is violently kicked open. Smokey the Bear stands in threshold. He calls out:* Ha Ha Hee Hee is all a-smoke! Exit this way!

WOMEN: Run! *Screaming, they stampede doorway*

NOSEY: Wait - don’t - ugh- oww… *gets bumbled and fumbled and bounced to the floor. Fleeing footy prints make tracks down the length of Nosey’s tweedy-weedy blazer*

NOSEY: Yikes! *leaps to feet and races outside* Hey, Smokey Pitt! *gazes in dismay at rapidly descending -and overwhelmingly crowded- claw* Move aside! I’m jumping on board!

SMOKEY PITT: Forget it, moron! Only women and movie star doubles allowed!

NOSEY: But the flames are kissing my piggies! *calls to GK* Ms. Kakade, you said the Club wouldn’t dissolve while I was standing in it!

GK: Author’s license, dear Nosey. But may I say, thank you for the interview. You are one hot reporter! 


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Geeta Kakade lives in  California.  She enjoys spending time with her grandkids, writing, research, travel, cooking, gardening and learning something new every day.

For more information, visit Geeta's blog.

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