Thursday, December 4, 2014

Lynn Lovegreen Chills and Dills with I.B. Nosey




NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. And, man, it is c-c-cold here! *teeth chatters* I’m surrounded by miles and miles of f-f-fluffy white stuff! Wait a minute. Florida doesn’t have c-c-cotton ball mounds! *pulls map out of blazer pocket* Holy Weather Vane! This is Alaska???

*Loud snort carries in wind. Nosey shrieks* Who did that?

MOOSE: Halloo, Frosty Snowman.



NOSEY: I’m n-n-not a snowman. Just because I'm carrying around a mike-sicle *shakes frozen microphone* doesn’t mean…er…that is…

MOOSE: *snorts again* Me take you to Lynn Lovegreen.

NOSEY: How do you k-k-know her?

MOOSE: She send me.

NOSEY: What for?

MOOSE: She said look for Big Nose in neon jacket. *nudges Nosey with antlers*

NOSEY: Hey, watch the armpits! *laughs out loud*

MOOSE: *lowers head and huffs on Nosey’s chin* You one strange weird dude.

NOSEY: Listen, my mangy moosehoofs. I'm a professional reporter. I always arrive at my interviews in a style— Yikes! *scrambles to hold on as Moose throws him atop head* Well. Heh heh. Guess you’re an Alaskan taxi, eh?

MOOSE: You heavy. What you eat?

NOSEY: Er… *slaps hand to blazer pocket* It’s not me. It’s this ice heavy microphone.

MOOSE: Uh huh. *trots to igloo and drops Nosey with a splat*

WOMAN: Is that Nosey I hear? *head pops from igloo entrance*

NOSEY: Greetings, Lynn Lovegreen. *pushes to all four and blinks through snow covered glasses* Hey! Where’d ya go?

LL: Get inside, Nosey. Quick! *grabs Nosey’s ankles and drags him through igloo*

NOSEY:  Whoa, gal! I’ve heard of cavewomen kidnapping their men but— *sits up and gazes at surroundings* Holy Looking Glass! This is an ice palace!

LL: *plants hands on hips* Did you really think I lived in a cave?

NOSEY: Er, well, when last we parted company, it was a cave.

LL: Was not.

NOSEY: Was.

LL: Not.

NOSEY: Listen, eye-glaring girlie! I know my whereabouts at all times! Except for when I’m lost.

LL: Ha.

NOSEY: Huh?

LL: It was a gold mine.

NOSEY:  What was?

LL: *shakes finger* Nosey, if you’ve forgotten our little past dramatic adventure, I’m gonna steal all the Gum Drop Island candy you’ve got stashed in your pocket—

NOSEY: ‘ey, now—

LL: And then I’m going to throw you back in the snow and no one will find you until you freeze into a Nosey glacier.

NOSEY: Wait, wait! Er, yeah. Heh heh. I remember now. A gold mine stalked by clam— I mean, claim jumpers.

LL: *purrs* Funny that you should remember all the details, hm?

NOSEY: Uhhh… *swallows hard* So… what are we talking about this time?

LL: A new interview, a new book, a new— Hold on. Your microphone needs a woman’s loving touch. *snatches it from Nosey’s hand*

NOSEY: Hey, what’re ya… ?

LL: Warming this up. It needs to be turned on, right? *clicks* Ah ha! Shall I begin?

NOSEY: I think I—

LL: Why don’t you read while I recite? *slaps book in Nosey’s palm*

NOSEY: But—

LL: Quiet down! *stomps on Nosey’s foot, ignores his howl, and then speaks into microphone* Hello, out there, my admiring public! I’m Lynn Lovegreen, and I’m excited to tell you about my latest book, ‘Golden Days’. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Of course, it does! And I’m excited to read to you about the exciting blurb—

NOSEY: Don’t steal my job! *hops on one foot and lunges for microphone*

LL:  And don’t steal my spotlight moment. *smacks Nosey’s hand away* As I was saying: ‘Alaska is a cold place to live until—

NOSEY: *mutters* Amen to that.

LL: *frowns* Do you mind? Ahem. Again, adoring fans: ‘Alaska is a cold place to live until love blossoms. Elizabeth Robinson travels by dog sled to help her family mind the store in Fairbanks, Alaska. She wants to pursue her drawing and painting, but women artists are rare in 1906, and flood, fire, and a death in the family force her to take charge at home at age seventeen. James Garrett comes north to help his uncle at a nearby gold claim. An awkward eighteen-year-old who is more at home with machines than people, he becomes a man as he falls in love with Elizabeth. When a discovery about her benefactor, the founder of the town, threatens their future, Elizabeth and James find that together they can overcome any obstacle.’

NOSEY: Any obstacle, huh? What about— *leaps into LL’s arms* Yikes! What’s that noise?

LL: Honestly! *drops Nosey with loud thud* You mean that? *gestures to indicate roaring sound* It’s just Grandma in the next room. She’s, um, napping.

NOSEY: *whistles* Works at a lumber mill, huh?

LL:  *sighs* Nosey, get on with your job. Let’s start the interview.

NOSEY: Can’t.

LL: And why not?

NOSEY: ‘Cause I might, like, ya know, need my microphone.

LL: Of course. *hands it over* All you had to do was to ask. *smiles sweetly* What can I tell your listening audience about my book?

NOSEY: Er, well…  *glances around* Something you said gave me the chills.

LL: Really? *purses lips* Maybe it’s just the iced Moose spit frozen to your collar?

NOSEY: *blinks* Huh?

LL: *giggles* What can possibly give you ‘chills’ about my story?

NOSEY: Uh… it’s those claim jumpers you keep writing about  —  Why do they wanna jump on claims anyway? Can’t they, ya know, do something worthwhile, like — jump on grasshoppers?

LL: Pooh, Nosey. Why would they do that? Not much money to be made from grasshoppers. Gold is so much more attractive to them. 

NOSEY: Yeah?

LL: Yeah. And before you ask, remember where I mentioned the benefactor, the owner of the town, and of how he threatens their future?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

LL: Well… *takes Nosey aside in conspirator whisper* It turns out he has a dark past, and hangs out with shady characters, like claim jumpers.

NOSEY: *draws back* Say it ain’t so!

LL: Sorry, ‘cause it is so. *nods* The scandal makes Elizabeth’s father doubt his offer to send her to an art institute. That wrecks Elizabeth’s and James’ plan to reunite in Chicago.

NOSEY: Did you say ‘art’? *snaps fingers* That means she can draw, right?

LL: You think?

NOSEY: Sure, and I bet I know just what it is she draws.

LL: Really? Such as?

NOSEY: Me!

LL: You? *stares with disbelief*

NOSEY: Goes without saying. *puffs out chest* She’s eager to draw life-like etchings of your official unofficial reporter, heh heh.

LL: Er, if she met you… *mouth twitches* I’m sure she’d want to sketch your, um… *coughs* remarkable face, Nosey. Uh huh. Yep. But, uh, don’t you think that whole idea might sour with James?

NOSEY: Who’s James?

LL: Excuse me? You don’t remember the name of her hero?

NOSEY: Ohhh. Yeah, that youngster who becomes a man. *smirks* Models himself after me, I take it.

LL: *rolls eyes* Well, let me say — uh, maybe. If you had more elegant manners—

NOSEY: But—

LL: And had a career as an engineer or inventor.

NOSEY: Why would I wanna do that? I’m the official unofficial spokesman for Gum Drop Island confectionary plantation. Not just anyone carries that honor, ya know.

LL: And that reminds me. *steps closer* Nosey, did you invent Gum Drop chocolates?

NOSEY: Uhhh… Is that Grandma? *jumps as roaring sound increases in volume*

LL: Hm. *frowns* She might be about to wake up. Maybe you should run along, Nosey.

NOSEY: Sure. Sure. But just one more quick question, Ms. Lovegreen.

LL: Uh huh. What? *gives wary glance across shoulder*

NOSEY: How do you go about doing your research? Is it fun, or tedious?

LL: I read and look at things online, and I also visit the settings of my books. It’s fun to me. I love digging into history to find great stories and fascinating people. Kind of like what you do with your official unofficial reporting, Nosey, except mine is from the past.

NOSEY: And there’s one more thing—

LL: I really think you should boogie, Nosey.

NOSEY: Now? Well, sure, if you wanna. What tune we doing? *strikes dance pose*

LL: Ohhh. *groans* I’m telling ya. There’s nothing else you need to know. *glances again over shoulder*

NOSEY: Not so fast! I wanted to ask about Elizabeth traveling by ‘dog sled’ to Fairbanks. Where did she come from? Maybe she’d visited Gum Drop Island?

LL: What if she had?

NOSEY: If she went there to draw a sketch of me, she oughta make an appointment first! I’m a sold-out attraction, ya know.

LL: Oh, Nosey. *gestures with impatient hand* She didn’t want to draw you.

NOSEY: *gasps* Clean your glasses, woman! Get a look at this manly face, will ya? *turns head to show profile* Not only am I the hottest dog on the internet, but—

LL: You’re forgetting something, Nosey. I’m afraid that Gum Drop Island was not well-known in 1906.

NOSEY: But—

LL: So she had to settle for Seattle.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

*Heavy stomps come from next room. Ceiling vibrates*

NOSEY: Whoa! Ms. Lovegreen, your grandma wears army boots? 

*Polar bear pokes head around edge of door. Bear yells* Noise! All I hear is yakety-yak noise!



NOSEY: My, w-what… *edges back toward exit* big ears you have, Grandma.

GRANDMA: *sniffs, and then snarls* The better to hear you with, my Gum Drop Island scented morsel.

NOSEY: *shrieks* My, w-what big teeth you have too! *leaps and flees out into the Alaskan Arctic and really cold wet white stuff*

LL: *calls out* Nosey, Grandma’s nipping at your heels! You better hop on Elizabeth’s dog sled and keep on mushing!  

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Available at Amazon

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If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your own! Contact Nosey via the Form on the left hand side of this site!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Sherri Wilson Johnson Parties Hearty with I.B. Nosey!




NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m coming to you from…um…*glances around* Huh, nothing here but a signpost.  *reads*Ye Olde South’.  Where in Mason Dixon is that?




MAN YELLS: Hallo! Are you our hired clown? You’re late to the party, dude.

NOSEY: *spins around* Whadda ya mean ‘clown’, mister?

MAN: I call ‘em as I see ‘em.

WOMAN APPEARS AT DOORWAY: Clown? *looks at Nosey* Oh, there you are! Come inside.

MAN: *points* Looky at ‘im. Sure is dressed the part. Never in my life have I laid eyes on such a hodge-podge mismatched weirdo. 

NOSEY: *grins* Awe right! My ‘Be Nosey’ blazer… *leans over to whisper in aside* designed by Yours Truly, of course — really stands out, eh? *puffs out chest* Only a hunk can wear it with style.

MAN: *snorts* Or junk?

NOSEY: Well, I— Huh?

SJ: *giggles* This is I.B. Nosey, the Pukelitzer Award winning cyberspace reporter. He’s here to interview me.

MAN: *rolls eyes* What some authors gotta resort to, I guess. *saunters away*

NOSEY: Er… *clears throat* Greetings, girlie. Are you Sherri Wilson Johnson?

SJ: You bet I am. *takes Nosey’s arm* I’m so happy you’ve come to my masquerade party, Nosey.

NOSEY: Uhhh…

SJ: See, I decided to hold the party at a southern plantation house. It sets the perfect theme for my book, ‘To Laugh Once More’, don’t you think?

NOSEY: Uhhh… *jumps back as costumed man jostles by* Holy Snaggle Teeth! Who’s he dressed as?




SJ: A card shark. Cards were an important game in Victorian Georgia.  

NOSEY: Uh huh. *gazes at crowd and whistles* Fancy to-do here.

SJ: Oh yes. Parties were such a hit in 1895. By the way, here’s my book. And… *smacks Nosey with fan* stop staring at Jack Daniels!



NOSEY: Hey! *rubs injured forehead* I’ve got enough smarts there!

SJ: Hush, Nosey, and let’s begin, shall we? I’ll read the blurb. It goes like this: ‘The War may be over, but the battles still rage. A dissatisfied wife. A misunderstood husband. Three tragedies will alter their path forever. Will their choices tear them apart, or will they allow them To Laugh Once More?’

NOSEY: I dunno. I—

SJ: I’m not finished.

NOSEY: But—

SJ: Wait a minute. *stops butler passing by and grabs item from canopy tray* This will fit your mouth nicely.

NOSEY: But— *gulps on morsel*

SJ: As I was saying… ‘Three years after her marriage to Hamilton, former debutante Lydia Barrington Scarbrough is dissatisfied with life. She has yet to have children, and she spends most of her days sitting in a circle of women chatting about homemaking. She thought life would be more than what it’s turned out to be. Hamilton travels on business and never takes her with him. What’s a lonely wife to do when she has no children to raise? She longs for adventure and romance, and really, she longs for the fulfillment of her purpose in life.’ *sighs happily*…Nosey, you have anything to say to that?

NOSEY: Do I! *spits out canopy* Lady, who made that fudge? It tastes like last week’s bad reviews!

SJ: *frowns* But I thought the sale on second-hand goodies at Dollar Hollar—

NOSEY: Say what? *stares in disbelief* Dollar Hollar?

SJ: Oops. I didn’t say that, did I? *nibbles guiltily at bottom lip* Um…why don’t you -uh- ask something about my book? I’m sure you’re full of wisdom about my two main characters, hm? *gives flattering bat of lashes*

NOSEY: Well… *straightens tie* if it’s lovelorn advice you’re after… *smirks* Heh heh, you’ve come to the right guy.

SJ: I knew I could count on you!

NOSEY: Yeah, ‘cause it’s simple, really. All you gotta do is buy the lady a box of Gum Drop Island chocolates. Hey, that hubs is misunderstanding her ‘cause he’s like you and gave her that fake imitation Dollar Hollar brand.

SJ: *nods* You’re so right, Nosey. Now why didn’t I think of that?! That would be the easiest solution ever!

NOSEY: Don’t be so hard on yourself, kid. *pats SJ’s shoulder* After all, I am the Nose who knows.

SJ: Ah. Yes. Well, where were we? *steers Nosey around edge of ballroom* Um, what else can I share about my book?

NOSEY: For starters, there’s something I’m real nosy about.

SJ: Oh, good. What would that be?

NOSEY: Yeah, what’s Hamilton’s problem? Why can’t he take his wife with him on business?

SJ: Oh, because he helps his father to run their orchard. He travels to Georgia to sell their produce.

NOSEY: So?

SJ: So, they also sell china and silver. Hamilton’s on the road a lot which means she’s lonely and misses him.

NOSEY: That’s my point. Why can’t the little wifey tag along? Is there something about Georgia that she doesn’t like? Such as — Holy Twelve Oaks! *drools as couple waltz past* Is that Miss Scarlett O’Hara?

SJ: Eyes this way, Nosey. *snaps fingers close to Nosey’s nose* Ahem. No, it’s that she doesn’t want to move away from Florida. That’s where her family is. She loves Hamilton but she doesn’t want to leave everyone behind. In Georgia, there’s a lot of snobbery and prejudice and discrimination. She hates it.

NOSEY: Oh, yeah. That.

SJ: That what?

NOSEY: What you just said.

SJ: What I— ? *thinks quickly* Um, you mean, discrimination?

NOSEY: Uh huh. I feel her pain. *lowers voice* Happens to me all the time.

SJ: *gasps* No! Share, Nosey!

NOSEY: *glances over shoulder* It’s this reporting biz, ya see. *nods* I’ve got enemies ‘cause of that Pukelitzer Award.

SJ: *slaps hand to cheek* Hush my mouth.

NOSEY: Yeah. Rumors fly sayin’ I only won ‘cause of my debonair charm. *grins* Bet ya didn’t think I knew that word, huh?

SJ: *flips open fan and swiftly cools cheeks* Dear me, Nosey. You’re full of… er, well….

NOSEY: That’s okay. You can say debonair charm. Everyone else does, heh heh.

SJ: *mutters* That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

NOSEY: Huh. Maybe you meant my way of how I do this interviewing stuff? It’s called… *scratches head* It’s called…hm, what’s that term?

SJ: Journalistic skill?

NOSEY: That’s it!

SJ: No. *purses lips* That’s not what I was searching for. *gives fake cough* Anyway, Nosey, I appreciate that you can sympathize with Lydia’s plight.

NOSEY: Plight. That’s me. Uh huh. Uhhh…

SJ: In other words - a hardship.

NOSEY: Yeah, and not much fun for her either.  

SJ: I’d say you’re right.

NOSEY: You gotta tell us. Do things get better?

SJ: Now, now. I don’t want to give away all the hardships she encounters because we want the readers to discover these things as they read the book. Right?

NOSEY: We do? Oh. Right, right! Heh heh. What about you, Ms. Johnson? You a Georgia belle or— *gets bumped by woman dressed as a peach. Nosey calls out:* Watch it! And get a shave! *brushes fuzz off jacket sleeve*



SJ: Dear Nosey, what can I say? I’ve lived in Georgia my entire life. I’ve never lived outside of two counties, but I’ve vacationed in Florida almost all of my life. Have to admit. I love both states.

NOSEY: Well, what’s this deal of writing old stories?

SJ: Old stories?

NOSEY: Yeah. Set back in days before internet, iPhones, U-phone, We-Phones, He-Phones…

SJ: Ah, yes. Those days. Truth be told, I absolutely love being swept away to the days of yesteryear. I love the dresses and the balls. *gestures to encompass room full of dancers* I love when things were simple.

NOSEY: Uh huh.

SJ: And although times were tough, it seems like families had to really pull together in those tough times.

NOSEY: Uh huh.

SJ: *eyes glaze with dreamy expression* I love that fathers got to stay home with the families to farm —most of them— and that children played outdoors and weren’t stuck inside of classrooms and then playing video games—

MAN SHOUTS: You cheated!

*Nosey jumps* Yikes! How did you— Uh, wait. What’s going on?



SJ: They’re playing a game of Stay Alive. *points to group of men sitting at table* And someone just lost all his marbles.

MAN GLARES AT NOSEY: I was winning until he walked up! You’re a jinx!

OTHER MAN: We don’t need no jinxes!

NOSEY: Whoa, fellas. Hold on a minute!

FIRST MAN: Just look at that costume he wore to the party. Anybody who’d wear a crazy blazer like that sicko-one and then add a huge nose to boot? He’s gotta be a jinx!

NOSEY: Aw, now. Gimme a break!

OTHER MAN: We’ll give ya a break! We’ll break your legs! *all rush up, leaping to race after Nosey*

NOSEY: Ms. Johnson! *screams* Whatever happened to southern hospitality? *knocks down tables, vaults over Old Glory, and streaks from room*

SJ: Excuse me, Nosey, you’ve got that all wrong. It’s southern hospital! But just wait. *calls out* One day you’ll look back at this fun-filled adventure and you’ll be able To Laugh Once More!

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Available at Amazon

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If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your own! Contact Nosey via the Form on the left hand side of this site!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Connie Vines Zombies Out with I.B. Nosey




NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I’m at the Tingling Brothers Barf 'em & Scarf 'em’s Fun O’ Drama Carnival, and… *cell phone rings. Nosey answers* Greetings, caller. This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter—

WOMAN: Will you get a move on?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

WOMAN: *sighs* I’m Connie Vines, your interview appointment. Or did you forget?

NOSEY: Whadda ya mean, forget? I’m a professional, you know, and… *swiftly checks pockets for notes* and I’m always — um, I’m — uh, always—

CV: Can’t you see me? I’m waving to you.

NOSEY: Yeah? *watches crowd* All I see are a bunch of escaped loony tunes characters munching on sloppy hotdogs. Hey! *yells at passerby who jostles Nosey* Watch the mustard!

CV: Fitting in nicely, are you?

NOSEY: Well, I — huh?

CV: *giggles* Over here to your right. I’m beside the Dollar Hollar chocolate vendor booth.

NOSEY: *yells* Are you crazy, woman? *speeds like blazing bullet — okay, more like a dud firecracker, to reach CV* Where’s… *pants* that cheap 10,000th brand-name imitator, Dollar Hollar?

CV: *gives innocent blink* Did I say Dollar Hollar? Are you sure?

NOSEY: *squints eyes* Listen, gal. If you’re trying to pull a fast one—

CV: *huffs* What are you accusing me of, Nosey? See? *shows three feet roll of paper* It says in my interview contract that I’m not to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, eat any Dollar—

NOSEY: You forgot two ever’s.

CV: I did? *frowns and checks paper, counts under breath* Oh. Right. I won’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER eat any Dollar Hollar candy/chocolate or so help me, I.B. Nosey will gift me with a lifetime supply of his ‘Be Nosey’ blazer wardrobe.

NOSEY: Er, read that disclaimer, huh?

CV: *nods* I’m an author. I always read the fine print.

NOSEY: *growls* Goody.

GYPSY WOMAN: Welcome, carnival goers. Would you like for me to reveal all your secrets?

NOSEY: *starts* Who are you?

GYPSY WOMAN: I’m Madame Do-Tell and you shall see what will be for I do tell you what I tell when I see what you tell—



CV: Ohh, forget it, dearie. *takes Nosey’s arm and steers him through crowd* So. Let’s begin, shall we? I’d like to proudly present my book, ‘Here Today, Zombie Tomorrow’.

NOSEY: Whoa! *steps back* Zombie? So that’s why you wanted to meet here in this — this… *gestures with arm* Zombie convention.

CV: Oh, pooh. *waves dismissive hand* Don’t get your tie in a knot, Nosey.

NOSEY: *blinks* Why not? I always wear it like a noose.

CV: Hm. Shall I? *shakes head* On second thought. Ahem. As I was saying, my book. *slaps it in Nosey’s palm* Won’t you read the short blurb?

NOSEY: Holy Marilyn Monroe! *whistles* That’s some kind of book cover.

CV: Men! *rolls eyes and grabs Nosey’s microphone* While you stare at that beautiful model, I’ll read the blurb. It goes like this: ‘Meredith Misso, Steampunk writer, is turned into a zombie while participating in The Zombie Run in Long Beach, CA. With her teddy bear hamster and soon-to-be ex for company, Meredith embarks on staying human in a suddenly not-so-human world. Fun and Sassy — readers will enjoy this G-rated romp! Next in the series: Bell, Book, and Gargoyle.’ Now. Question away, Nosey.

NOSEY: Sure. Heh heh. For starters… *leans over to whisper* Does this blonde need a dashing reporter to escort her on that run?

CV: Why? Where can we find a dashing reporter?

NOSEY: *draws back* ‘eyyy!

CV: Seriously. It’s a zombie run, you know.



NOSEY: Which means what?

CV: A man of the world such as yourself must be familiar with the yearly charity event. In fact, I could have sworn that you were clinging like a determined barnacle to one of the pillars beneath the pier.

NOSEY: Uhhh… *tugs at collar* Who? Me?

CV: But, oh, that can’t be right. Must’ve been that phony Dollar Hollar imitator, hmm?

NOSEY: Yeah. Yeah. Must’ve been. *gives nervous chuckle* So, uh, Ms. Vines. What’s this stuff about ‘steampunk’? I mean, steam? And punk? Is that some kind of brat who has a bad hair day?

GYPSY WOMAN: Sit at my table, Mr. Madman Blazer, for Madame Do-Tell insists that you do not resist...*pauses, and then twitters* I am also a most humble poet, yes?

CV: *glares* Are you following us? Set up your own interview time! *drags Nosey through mob* Honestly, what’s with some women wanting you all to themselves?

NOSEY: *teeth gleam in smug grin* I’d think that’s obvious, heh heh.

CV: Well, I did ask, didn’t I? But, regarding your steampunk question — Let me explain, milacku.

NOSEY: What’d you say?

CV: That means ‘my darling’. *gives Nosey an air-kiss*

NOSEY: Oh. Heh heh. *waggles brows* Sure it does. I knew that.

CV: Hm. Anyway, steampunk is a sub-genre of science fiction that typically features steam-powered machinery, inspired by industrialized Western civilization during the 19th century.

NOSEY: *nods* Uh huh.

CV: Steampunk works are often set in an alternative history of the 19th century’s British Victorian era or American “Wild West”.

NOSEY: *nods* Uh huh.

CV: *reflects* Or…in a fantasy world that similarly employs steam power. Imagine the two of us floating above the clouds in a lighter-than-air airship, shouting to be heard over the drone of the propellers. And the clothing, milacku. You, in your Mad Scientist Howie Lab Coat. I in my dark blue beaded flapper dress… there is a wonderful little Steampunk coffee shop in downtown Burbank. *gives provocative flutter of lashes*

NOSEY: Nothing doing. There’d be too many zombies there.

CV: Would that be bad?

NOSEY: Looka the freaks here! *points to wildly dressed crowd* This ain’t my kind of party, lady.



CV: But, Nosey… *glances from people to Nosey and back again* Your outrageous blazers fit right in.

NOSEY: *snarls* This hip reporter don’t mess with zombies. I’m I.B. Nosey, the official unofficial reporter. Hey, I’ve got a reputation to think of, ya know.

CV: *opens mouth, closes it, then says* So what can we do to save your official unofficial reputation?

NOSEY: *snaps fingers* Got it. Make ‘em eat what they think is some kind of special Gum Drop Island candy. Yeah, but something nasty has gotta be added to the mix. Quick, share. What ingredient will repel a Zombie?

CV: But you don’t want to do that.

NOSEY: I—

CV: Consider. Why would you like to repel a hoard of Zombies? Think of these as future fans.

NOSEY: Huh?

CV: *clasps hands together* Yes! They’d be eagerly awaiting your next interview… your next brain-flavored candy.

NOSEY: Uhh…

GYPSY WOMAN: Hurry, for Madame Do-Tell offers special for two seconds only—

CV: You again?? Nosey, through here. *pushes Nosey toward horse barn*

NOSEY: Yikes! Wait. *slips, and then gives foot vigorous shake* Aw, man.

CV: *crinkles nose* Did you have to step there?

NOSEY: Ms. Vines. *expels breath* So far this interview stinks. You get my drift?

CV: Big time. *coughs* But get with the program, Nosey. This is Fun O’ Drama, after all. Remember?

NOSEY: But—

CV: Anyway… *pulls Nosey along*…back to my book. What can I tell you about my wonderful heroine?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

CV: Stop staring at the funnel cake display and look at me! *bongs Nosey on the head with his microphone*

NOSEY: Hey! *rubs head* Ow. Why’d you do that?

CV: Getting you to pay attention. Remember my book’s cover? And the gal with the legs?

NOSEY: Heh heh. Sure. You described her as sassy, eh?

CV:  Sassy and Fun!

NOSEY: Er, but what’s sassy about her? Her loud mouth?

CV: My heroine is lively, bold, and full of spirit; cheeky…*giggles* just like me! And as you very well know, my intrepid reporter, cultured women are never loud-mouthed.

NOSEY: *arches brow* You don’t say.

CV: I do indeed.

NOSEY: So if your Meredith is such a cultured woman, why is she about to have an ex?

CV: Now, now, Nosey. Meredith’s almost “ex” was, is, her husband. Can you imagine the stress a zombie transformation can place on a marriage? Not to mention her supply of make-up.

NOSEY: *frowns in thought* Now that you mention it…

CV: *gasps* It’s that woman again. What’s she after?

NOSEY: *gulps* Um, she’s eyeing my pocket. *slaps protective hand over bulging blazer pocket*

CV: Well, come on. *steers Nosey in different direction* Wish someone would turn her into a zombie.

NOSEY: Hey! *brakes to screeching halt* What’s with all this zombie yak anyway? Couldn’t you write about… *shrugs* I dunno. Hummingbirds?

CV: Why? Hummingbirds are aggressive little creatures.

NOSEY: But—

CV: Whereas Zombies are just zombies, going about day-to-day business. Your quest does give me, pardon the pun, food for thought.

NOSEY: Ugh. *blanches*

CV: Yes. How about… *has lightbulb moment* There might even be Zombie Reporters! Reporters dressed in mind-numbing prints such as yours.

NOSEY: Hey, now wait just a—

CV: Milacku, move a little closer. What is that nasty gray stain on your jacket lapel? I do believe I have a Tide stain stick in my Gucci handbag. *searches through bag*

NOSEY: What stain? *scans the sky* Don’t see any pigeons. You see any pigeons? *shakes finger in CV’s face* Ms. Vines, you keep any bomb-dropping pigeons far, far away from my famous tweedy-weedy blazer.

CV: Be quiet, Nosey. Ah, ha! *holds up Tide stain stick* But back to your question. I heard that renowned Doctor Oscar Lebensteinenski of the Romanian Feline Institute in Targu Neamt Romania—

NOSEY: Gimme a break! *throws up arms* What are you chattering about, woman?

CV: The Carpathian mountain range, of course. Anyway, said Doctor has been conducting research on this very subject. *nods* His team has done ground-breaking work on repelling Zombies.

NOSEY: But I just asked earlier—

CV: Don’t interrupt, Nosey. Don’t you know that’s rude? As I was saying, under this Doctor’s work, cats and kittens have been trained under a top secret Romanian government project called F.A.S.T., or Feline Alert System Technology. FAST cats are able to repel Zombies.

NOSEY: Why didn’t you tell me that before?

CV: Well, I’m telling you now. *smiles prettily* The good Dr. Lebensteinenski has been able to link a common vaccine and genetically alter the kittens so that as long as they are vaccinated for Rabies, Zombies will never come near your home. They secrete a pheromone that repels the Zombies and is very pleasant and calming to humans when the kitten is held by its owner.

GYPSY WOMAN: Come with me, or you be sorry, you long-nosed, smelly shoed walking windpipe.

NOSEY: *screams* Don’t sneak up like that! And, uh… *edges away* Why you giving me the evil eye? I didn’t do nuthin’. Ask Ms. Vines.

GYPSY WOMAN: Yes, you did nuthin’. You refuse to be honored by my imaginary skills, plus… *lips smack hungerly* you hog all Gum Drop Island chocolate in your pockets. Yes?

NOSEY: No! I mean— *gives weak chuckle* Aw, c’mon. Can’t a guy enjoy his chocolate yummies for the tummy without you lady gals getting bent outta shape? 

CV: Nosey! *gasps* You carried around Gum Drop Island candy and never offered any to me? Well, I’ve got news for you, mister — I am definitely bent out of shape! *steps closer to Madame Do-Tell* Sister, I’m with you. Do your stuff.

NOSEY: But - but— 

GYPSY WOMAN: Feel the wrath of my insult! I make you Zombie Tweedy-Weedy Dingbat! *jabs thumbs in ears, wriggles fingers, and sticks out tongue*

NOSEY: Aaacckkk! *turns tail and speeds away, slinging gravel on fire-eating man’s blazing hot lunch and leaping lickety split through band of tail-holding elephants*



CV: *calls out* That’s right! Run, Nosey, quick! Or you’ll be Here Today, Zombie Tomorrow!

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