NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Holy Cyberspace Dribble!


(Buzz, buzz, grunt…and lands!)

CyberBug 1 blinks 12 pairs of eyes at CB 2.

CB 1: Hey, watsamatta u? (peels buggy hands - only 6 of ‘em this time - (ha ha, readers, bet ya really enjoy learning all these intimate details, eh?) away from his companion’s face.

CB 2: (wails) I can’t watch! We left last episode at a cliffhanger and I’m scared to know where all those mindless morons are rushing to!

CB 1 stares down at the stampeding mob of Tobe A. WiteNite, Gail, O.G. Whattapayne, Y. Lee Persimmon, Gagga DeBore, Petunia the Skunk, Inves T. Gator, Peachy Keen and Felicity Funk and, and…whoaaaa, doggies!!!

TAW: Holy Cyberspace Dribble!! (flails arms as he teeters at edge of a high cliff) Back, everyone! Don’t push!! This is a literal cliffhanger and I’m not liking it at all!

Gail: (Arm raises, half-way towards TAW’s back, ready to shove.  Hesitates and pulls arm back.)  I’m sworn to protect the innocent and the stupid.  I just can’t do it.  I swore an oath.

GDB: Woman!  Oath-smoath!  You’ll never get an opportunity like that again! And how the heck did we get HERE, anyway?  We were in the middle of town!

TAW: Does it really matter if the last episode left us in the middle of a city with skyscrapers? We are now facing a RIVER FULL OF SWIMMING CROCODILES!



Inves T. Gator: Not me, dude. Don’t care if my last name is Gator. I’m not kin to them babies down there eyeballing us like a plate of Gum Drop Island Cocoa Fluffies(flips cellphone, dials number) Send the Later-Gater Getaway Tater. I’m outta here! (turns tail and scurries away in a cloud of dust)

YLP: Hey, wait for me. (Grabs onto Gator and pulls herself free.) Phew, that was close.

OGW: A partnership isn’t worth this!  What am I still doing here?  What?  Why, oh why?!? Didn’t I take that offer from Ambulance Chasers-R-Us?!?!

TAW: What a pain your useless chatter is, woman! If you have no bright ideas to help us cross this moat with those teeth-snapping reptiles down there, will you kindly just SHUT UP!!

Maniacal laughter is heard from across the water. Sneak M. Hijinx stands atop a boulder, cape billowing in the breeze.




SMH: So, you gullible goonies! Come to the end of it all, have you?

TAW: Deliver Nosey to us! That rascal hasn’t paid his bill!

Gail: Speaking of which, your malpractice insurance got cancelled last week for non-payment of premium.  You might wanta look into that!

YLP: Why don’t you all just shut up? What a bunch of jabberwalkers. Lord, I swear, you’d help out a lot more if you’d be quiet.

Petunia:  Quiet? Quiet you say? How can I be quiet when my heart is fit to bust with emotion and passion and excitement and feeling and sentiment and… oh, quiet, that’s the last thing I wanna be.  That’s the last thing I can be… 

GDB:  Will all you of stop babbling and FOLLOW THAT CROCODILE!!

SMH: If you all desire that ‘official unofficial’ reporter, then come get him!

FF: Where’s Nosey? HUH? Where is he? What have you done with him?

PK:  Who? Me?  Done what with whom? Nosey? Who? Me? I would sacrifice my life for him rather than harm one hair on his head.  Manner of speaking.

TAW: (snaps fingers) Yes, why not? Young ladies, sacrifice yourselves. Jump into that water!

Gail: Tobe, that’s really bad legal advice, and I just told you they cancelled your  malpractice insurance!

TAW: What’s the problem? It works in all those late-night B-rated movies.

CB 1: (points) Looky that! The Old Bag has gathered up her skirts and has plunged into the water! She’s leaping off the back of one croc over to the other!

YLP: Who you calling an old bag?



OGW: (Whips out her cell phone) Ambulance Chasers-R-Us?  Do you still have that opening for a young, eager ambulance chaser?

TAW: (gulps) They’re actually making it! Well, never let it said that the White Knight doesn’t do his job. Gail, carry me across.

Gail: Does the phrase “When donkeys fly” hold any meaning for you? That just ain’t in my employment contract!

TAW: How hard can it be? And what do you think I pay you for?

FF: Nosey, where are you Nosey?

PK:  Honey bubble sweetie pie sugar-coated almonds with chocolate sprinkleys stuckie on toppie… where are you?

Petunia: Oh listen to her. I will leap and dance and jump and spring and hop…

SMH: (eyes glint devilishly) Come along, my merry mischief-makers! There are more hijinx awaiting you on this side of the river!

CB 1: Uh oh, oh no! Petunia is trying to leap on those broad backs, but her scent! The crocs are turning belly up! Can she make it? And Gail – Tobe’s pushed her into the river to use as a life preserver!  She’s sinking with poor old Tobe clutching her eyebrows for dear life!

CB 2: We have to help! (zooms down to the river)

Does it end like this???? What might be next for the mob of mindless morons? What do you think? Stay tuned, readers!

To be Continued


Same Nosey time, same Nosey blog!

(look for us on October 17, heh heh)

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Season 2: And We're Back!

And We're Back!


**BUZZ, BUZZ, SPLAT, GASP**

CyberBug 2: Wake up, buggie! (slaps CyberBug 1) What are you doing sleeping on the job?

CyberBug 1: (blinks) Huh? Well, it was a long hot summer…

CyberBug 2: Summer, bummer! Just report the news! Where’s Nosey now?

CyberBug 1: (yawns) Who’s Nosey?

CyberBug 2: (groans) Has your pea brain hardened to a mere lump of rock candy? Whaddya mean ‘who’s Nosey’? Don’t ya remember what we’re doing here? I.B. Nosey is the official unofficial reporter of cyberspace! He’s the man, dude! Except now he’s being sued—

CyberBug 1: Yeah. Sounds familiar. It was some crazy female who sued him, right?

CyberBug 2: Jeez, Firefly, you wasted the whole summer allowing your antenna to rust up? Not just some crazy female. It was Petunia the Skunk. Don’t you recall how she strolled into his backyard after he tossed out a box of chocolates - not the authentic, genuine Gum Drop Island’s brand, mind you - and she lost her scent? She became deskuned and now she smells like a 16 ounce bottle of cheap drugstore perfume.

CyberBug 1: (snaps fingers) That’s right. She hired a law firm too!

CyberBug 2: Yup. A Ms. O.G. Whattapayne of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay. They are out to make Nosey pay big time.

CyberBug 1: They won’t win, will they?

CyberBug 2: Not if attorney Tobe A. WiteNite of SuckItUp & PayMeNow is able to defend him. And his rival journalist, Gagga DeBore of The Old Bag is all set to see Nosey’s demise. But first they have to get Nosey to court.

CyberBug 1: We can’t let that happen!

CyberBug 2: Well, that’s why we’re here! (spreads bug arms - all 6 of them - to encompass them both) We have to stay on top of the situation. And the situation now is that the whole bleeping gang of them (counts on 24 fingers and toes)…Whattapayne, Y.Lee Persimmon, WiteNite, Petunia, Inves T. Gator, Felicity Funk, Peachy Keen and Gail Branan are all after this Pukelitzer Award winning reporter. And you GO TO SLEEP during all this drama?

CyberBug 1: (looks sheepish) Like I said, it was a long hot summer and me little bug eyes grew heavy—

CyberBug 2: Sssh! (slaps four feet over partner’s mouth) Wait! Who is that in the approaching sleek, mean, bullet-proof limousine? (perks up) Whaddaya know? That rhymes!

Limousine drives up. Caped person leaps out, snatches Nosey from the spot where he’s flipping through hundreds of pages of script, tosses a yelling, screaming Nosey into vehicle, slams door and watches as limo streaks off.

CyberBug 2: Who is that caped character? Time to get to work! (zooms down to street lamp and stretches out listening apparatus - that’s ‘antenna’ for all you techie folk)

SMH: (whirls to address gathered crowd) Halt, all of you!




GDB:  You’re telling ME to halt?  And who do you think you are?  NOBODY tells me to halt!  I’m the press! The voice of the people! Just who do you think you are?

SMH: You ask who I am, Old Bag? (twirls tip of moustache around one gloved index finger) The name’s Sneak M. Hijinx. I am the ‘Defender of I.B. Nosey’. If anyone wants him, they now have to go through me. But be warned—with my bag of hijinks, that is an impossible task.

TAW: (stares at Hijinx) Who is this fellow? Gail, do we have a file on him?

Gail:  No, WE don’t have a file on him.  I – as in me, myself, and I – have a file on him.  And if you think I’m sharing that intel with everybody standing around in this crowd, you need to go play at one of your vacation homes.  Jeeeezzzzzzzz, Tobe, do you ever stop and think anymore?!

YLP: He’s kinda cute. Reminds me of my first love in college. Sigh….

TAW: Really, Persimmy. He looks nothing like your old beau in college. Remember, it was I who was your beau then!

SMH: (throws back head to release maniacal laughter) You all think these mere ‘toys’ can trap Nosey? (reaches inside cape and withdraws stainless steel Fudgsey-Wudgsey Spitball Slammer. Sneak M. fires off a volley of shots, completely covering all the ‘Rambo’ choppers with gallons of ooey, gooey, shooey, pooey hot fudge sauce) I am Nosey’s PR man. I now have him in a safe place. Whatever you wish to ask him you now ask me.

GDB:  Oh, my, how perfectly apropros!  A purely revolting PR man!! As though that little weasel isn’t revolting enough.

SMH: No, Miss DeBore. PR does not mean ‘Purely Revolting’. Here. Someone needs to shut your trap. (reaches inside confines of cape and extracts bathroom plunger. With precise aim, he shoots it at GDB and it smacks her straight on her forehead. Persimmon falls to the ground, laughing hysterically).





YLP: What a shot!  (Stands up and looks around). That was so perfect! I loved it.


OGW:  Boss!  Boss!!  Stop rolling on the ground!!!  You’re showing your – your – your unmentionables!!!

GDB:  (Reaches up and removes plunger.  Without turning a hair, she throws it straight back at SMH, right over his mouth.)  Boy, is that all you’ve got?  And you Persimmy!  Those unmentionables are unmentionable, all right!  White cotton?! Girl, we don’t like each other but that’s a crisis I CANNOT ignore!  I’m taking you to the Mall and visiting a lady named Victoria.  You SO need an introduction!

Inves T. Gator: (whistles) Gotta check this dude out! Where did he come from? (starts at seeing Gail’s glare) Okay, okay. I won’t charge anyone. The sleuthing will be at my own expense.

SMH: (flicks off said plunger as easily as a lit cigarette - watsamatta with that plunger? Can’t it even stick????) Fans of Nosey! (points at Felicity Funk and Peachy Keen) Assert your loyalty! Don’t you each desire an autographed photo of your heartthrob? Hm?


FF: The heck I don’t want one. No way, Jose. I want a photo taken with him, near him, close to him, beside him…


PK: Oh cut it out you twit. You know it’s me whom he fancies, me who makes his ears blush and his wires crossed. I want a whole photo-shoot with him. I do, I do.

SMH: Then do what I say! Come over to my side and—  (has spasm of coughing and grabs edge of cape to cover nose) Petunia the skunk! Lower thy tail, you witless nincompoop!

Petunia: Pfft. Never was I a skink, with my tail between my legs. I am a skunk, a funky, spunky skunk.  Ne’er has it been said of me that thereby hangs a tail.

TAW: I think this man is mad! Gail, tackle him.

Gail:  Excuse me???  TACKLE him?!?  You checked what you pay me lately, Tobe?  The only person I’d tackle for that salary is YOU!!  (Gives patented Gail glare.)

SMH: (maniacal laughter echoes) What a madcap mix of mindless morons! You think I’ll disclose Nosey’s whereabouts? You think you can capture me? Well, all I say is -- enjoy the ride!

CyberBug 2: What’s that music? It sounds like it’s from the Indiana Jones movies! Hey, this guy even has a whip like him! And he’s— (gulp) he’s flicking it toward the eave of a skyscraper! He’s swinging away by leaps and bounds!

TAW: (raises arm and shouts at top of his voice) He has Nosey! We can’t let him get away! Charge, you mindless morons—

YLP: Who are you calling a moron, you moron? The nerve of some people. Always telling everyone what to do. Why don’t you tackle him? Why don’t you charge?

GDB:  Tobe. If you want ME to charge something, give me a credit card.  Anyway, you’re the CHARGE expert!  You look at the fees you charge lately?

TAW: Don’t forget, I’m the white knight here, ladies. No need to be nasty because I had a mere slip of the tongue.

Petunia: Many a slip ’tween cup and lisp, you ungrammatical nincompoop.

Inves T. Gator: I’m with you, Skunkie. You lead the way and don’t worry about us getting lost. (crinkles nose in distaste) Like a pack of bloodhounds, we’ll pick up your scent.

CyberBug 2: And away the whole mass of mindless morons move — er, I mean the whole gang is scampering to follow Sneak M. Hijinx. Except that—oh my! Oh dear! He’s headed for the edge of a cliff! Will they— ? Eeek! (covers all his eyes with his pair of wings) I can’t watch!!!


To Be Continued



Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Blog

(look for us on Sept. 26, heh heh)

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Oh, No! Is It Nosey -- AGAIN????

Summer hiatus is past! The Fall season is upon us! And it means -- does it mean??? -- that there is a new season of Feeling Nosey?

Well, one sure way to find the answer to that is to "tune" in this Wednesday, Sept. 12, right here at this blog!

Circle the date, synchronize your watch, grab a bar of chocolate and BE HERE!!!

"Heh heh. Did you miss me, World?"



Wednesday, April 18, 2012

ZOOT SUIT SUITS ZOOTS!


(Greetings from Cyberspace!  This is Cyberbug 2, reporting live from the Airspace over Gum Drop Island.  Currently, I’ve plastered myself against the side of Gail’s chopper ‘cause crazy as that woman is, I swear she’s saner than GaGa DeBore and Y. Lee Persimmon!  And I don’t get paid enough for this gig, Bug 1’s gonna have to come up with some big bucks if he wants ME to back him up again!  Now, remember when last we left our collection of oddball heroes, Lionmother had just entered this total debacle and started   shooting rotten eggs and barking out orders for everybody to get their carcasses back to U. R. Honor’s chambers!  And I’m picking up vibes that something BIG’s about to pop, ‘cause Gail seems like she’s just about had enough—WHEREUPON THIS CYBER NARRATIVE IS INTERRUPTED BY GAIL’S SHOUT OF---)

Gail:  OKAY!!  I- HAVE-  HAD - ENOUGH!!!!!!  Time to engage cloaking device, grab Nosey, and get the heck outta Dodge!  MM, DROP THAT SHIELD on One!  I’m comin’ in to get Nosey! 

MM: Now this is the way I like to write scripts! Lights, camera, action! Let’s go!

Gail:  (Reaches under chopper dashboard)  Three, two, ONE!  (Chopper disappears)

Y. Lee Persimmon: (spins around) Where’d she go? How’d she do that. Darn that woman.

GaGa DeBore:  Alright, where’d she get that?!  Where’d she get that?!  I have to have one!  

YLP: Oh be quiet already. You always want what everyone else has. Good grief, lady, can’t you be content with what you’ve got.  (mumbles to herself) I swear. Some people are just never happy.

Felicity Funk: Oh, just great. She’s gone to get Nosey and we’re stuck here with these two kooks. 

Peachy Keen:  Not if I can help it. What we do is not illegal - they told me; What we do is good for all - they said; What is left just doesn't matter - they told me

As long as right wins over all - they said; You don't know what life's about -they told me… latralahlidahdi..

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Cyberbug 1, this is Cyberbug 2!!  Come in, come in, Bug 1!!!!!  I’m in a vacuum!! Everything’s DISAPPEARED!!!!  We are SERIOUSLY re-negotiating my salary if I ever get out of here!!!!! Wait!!  We’re coming in through a skydome and we’re back here with MM and Nosey!!  And I have motion sickness and I think I’m gonna BARF!!!!)

Gail (throwing open door of chopper and alighting in the secret chopper pad dome of Gum Drop Island):  Okay.  Enough!!!!  (reaches up to hair line and grabs secret zipper, unzipping body suit, shedding it like a snakeskin).  This charade has gone on way too long! I’m tired of parading around in this zoot suit  and cleaning up everybody’s messes!  I am a SIZE SIX!!!! I weigh 125 pounds!!  I have hair like a lion’s mane (shakes out mane of golden brown hair past her shoulders) and it’s stuck up here under this short middle-age lady’s wig!!!  My IQ’s so high Mensa won’t take me and I’m listening to WiteNite here pretend he’s forgotten what he’s been recruited for!!!!  Enough!!!!!!



Tobe A. WiteNite: (reaches up to hairline…and he has a way to reach as his hairline has waaay receded) Where’s my zipper? Don’t I get a youthful physique too? M.M., is this discrimination against brilliant lawyers???

Gail:  Hey!  You hold it right there, Tobe!  You’re the front man, remember?  You’re the token pinhead of this investigation into this international phony chocolate ring trying to take over the candy market and wreck grocery stores everywhere!  What am I saying?!  Wreck 'em up with tasteless, inedible plastic tasting goop they pass off as legitimate GUM DROP ISLAND brand of deliciousness, I mean!  But the key words are – TOKEN! PINHEAD!!!

Nosey: Did you call?

MM: She said ‘pinhead’, which, on second thought… 

Gail:  Nosey, get in this chopper!  And stop staring at me like a hooked fish!  Jeezzzzz, just from my dang black 5 speed Mustang you shoulda known I wasn’t really a middle-aged frump!!!

Nosey: (lays palm to forehead) I think I’m getting a headache. Which part of the script do I read from? Are we on page 5,386, paragraph 113, section ZCT where you slip me into U.R. Honor’s courtroom--?

Gail:  NO, we’re not goin’ to see U. R. Honor!!!  At least, not right now! We’re goin’ to check in with Chocolate Central Bureau of Quality Control.  Now MOVE!!

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Bug 1, Bug 1!  We’re moving out!  Where, oh, where, is Chocolate Central Bureau of Quality Control?!  Do I wanta know?  NO, I do not!!)

Gail (Climbing back into chopper seat and shaking lion’s mane of hair):  Boy, it feels good to be outta that zoot suit.  Too bad I’ll have to go back in it.  But at least not right now.  

Nosey: (feverishly flipping pages of script) What am I supposed to say next? I’m the hero on this blog! Where are my lines???

TAW: Somewhere over the rainbow, boy. They’re gone with the wind and lost in space.

Nosey: (stares at TAW) Wait a minute. Can we get sued for saying that?
 
TAW: Gail, you answer the question, or have the QC supply the info. By the way, do the top men there have any idea you’re a…well…dish?  

Gail:  Of course Chocolate Central knows what I really look like.  MM, open the dome!  Headed out!  Engaging Warp Drive!  We’ll be there in a flash, boys!  

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Alright, readers, it’s one flash later and the  chopper’s touching down on an air pad in what looks to be the mid-west.  And I am so seriously air-sick it ain’t even funny.  And I don’t have a barf bag so I’d watch out, if I were you! Who’s that coming out of that hangar?  Is it?  Can it be?  Yes!  It is!  It’s Pat Dale!  Oh, jeezzz, and he’s got the Last Cowboy in Texas with him!)

Pat Dale:  Howdy, ladies. I hope your journey was pleasant. I’m sure it was not an easy thing to extricate yourself from your previous predicament.

Gail:  Thank you, sir.  No, this hasn’t been easy.  But I do think we’re beginning to flush out – what’s that noise?!?!

Pat:  You mean that caterwauling? That just ol’ Troy boy, stretching his vocal chords. He breaks out in song every time he sees a pretty girl. You want me to shut him up? I mean, after all, I do write his scripts.

The Last Cowboy in Texas:  Aw, come on, Pat. You know I’ve got this thing for women. And you know how they can’t resist me when I sing and dance for ‘em. (He turns to see that they’re getting antsy.)



(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Okay, this is getting out of hand.  Troy Boy’s singing’s let Gagga and Persimmy slip in undetected!  Look up there!  And there’s NO WAY Gagga and Persimmy shoulda been able to follow Gail’s chopper!  I mean, obviously, Gail’s chopper ain’t your standard chopper!  And now I know why, I mean, obviously, it’s a prototype of the highest eggbeater whirlybirds!  So how did Gagga and Persimmy get here right behind us unless – oh, dear!  Oh, no!  There must be a backstabber --and thus, not very nice person-- in the Science Development Department!  How else are those tracking us?! Not to mention catching us!)

Gagga (from overhead through a megaphone):  You there on the ground!  Hold it right there! Stop!

PK: How lahahdi can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad tralhdidoodahding…hey, you talkin’a’ me?

FF: Is that Nosey? Does she have Nosey? Get out of my way. I want to see.

YLP: Quick, we have to get to Nosey. Hurry up, you dimwit. What do I pay you for?

O. G. Whattapayne:  (Covering eyes)  A partnership is not worth all this!!!  (Peeks through fingers)  Ohhh!!  Who’s the dude on the ground there?!  He’s cute!!

FF: He’s there. I know it. Nosey is there someplace. Oh be still my heart. 

PK: You should be so lucky luckluckluckylayhlah…

Pat:  Hi, girls. Glad you like what you see here. (pointing to himself)

Gail:  Hate to disappoint you, big boy, but I think they’re talkin’ about the Cowboy over there. 

Last Cowboy:  Yeah, how you like them apples, writer boy? (slaps his hands on his thighs and turns to Gail) Howdy, ma’am. My gawsh, you’re the purtiest little gal I ever seed, outside o’ Texas.

Gail:  ‘Preciate the compliment, son, but I’m old enough to be your mother.  I just don’t look like it.

Gagga (from up in the chopper):  Well, that explains it!  I don’t know what they did with Gail but they got a new character in the mix down there, looks like. Dang sure ain’t Gail, she’s almost more beautiful than I am!  Besides, there’s no way Gail could fly a chopper like that!

YLP:  What’s happening with this thing? We’re going down. Good grief, don’t tell me we’re out of gas.

OGW:  Out of gas!!!  We can’t be out of gas!!  Get this thing down!!!

PK: All gas and gaiters. All cry and little wool. All in a day’s work. All’s well that begins bad…

FF: (looks out the window and yells) Nosey! Can you hear me? Nosey, are you there?

Gail (Pointing up to the choppers): Those two – uh, four, no, five gals – are seriously gettin’ on my last nerve, Big Boss.  Can we do something ‘bout ‘em, you think?

Pat:  I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I write a script that’ll have Cowboy distract those, uh, ladies, while you and I make tracks for a Gum Drop Island cup of fresh grown hot cocoa?

Last Cowboy:  Not so fast, writer boy. You still haven’t apologized for naming me the last cowboy instead of the best cowboy like you promised. Anyhoo, with your writin’ skill and my ridin’ skill, we can round up them scalawags like corralin’ doggies on the range. I ain’t a cowboy for nothin’!

Gail:  Lord.  I need support troops and I’m gettin’ flattered by a romance writer and his hero!  (Shrugs.)  Well, it’s hard to be humble when you’re gorgeous in every way --and modest to boot too.  (Grabs for chain around her neck, extricates emergency whistle and blows loudly)  WHOOOO-EEEEEEEE, WHOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEE.  There.  If you need reinforcements, you just have to call for ‘em yourself!

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!!  What now?!  Why are two dozen Rambos running out of those hangars? And what’s that red beam coming out of Gagga’s chopper?! Heeelllllpppppppp!!!!!!)

Nosey: (presses button on wristwatch) Found my part in the script. I know exactly what to do!

??????????????????????????????????????????????


To be continued…


Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!
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Thanks to Pat Dale for guesting with I.B. Nosey! If you'd like your moment of fame in the Maniacal Madness world of that 'official unofficial' reporter, sign up! Instructions are listed on the left hand side of this blog. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

To Be A White Knight...Or Not!!!




(Cyberbug reporting from top of Gaggy DeBore’s helicopter…Heeellllpppp! She can not pilot! Mayday! Mayday!)

GDB:  It was there!!!  It was right there!!!!  Where did it go?!  Islands don’t just vanish!!  Not even Islands in the Stream!!!!  Certainly not islands out in the middle of the Caramel Vanilla & Pecan Sea! Nobody knows this sea  exists, so who’d come steal an island?!?!

FF: Ohhhh my God! Someone stole an island? I mean, like really? You’re kidding, right?

PK: That is what ye are, islands in the stream… PFTEEOOO! EPEEOFOO FTEEEOP!!!! Fly me to the moon..Let me play among the stars…Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars and Saturn and Plutooooh…Higher and higher, Baby…It’s be a terrible thing to looooohseeee…


GDB:  (Fumbling with radar controls) Where, oh where, is Radar O’Reilly when I need him??  I need a HUMAN radar, not this defective mechanical timebomb!!

(Cyberbug: Yes, even though the wind is screaming in my teensy-weensy ears, I can certainly hear the old bag’s conversation. Did she say that Gum Drop Island location just vanished off the radar screen? And, oopsie, what’s that I see ahead? A rusted, one-bladed helicopter? Who’s piloting? Y. Lee Persimmon! Dear me, will there be a dogfight in the skies?)

FF: Timebomb? Did you say timebomb?  I think I want to get off this thing.

PK:  It Was Like A Time Bomb, Set Into Motion And If I Had To Pull You Out Of The Wreckage You Know I'm Never Gonna Let You Go Dahlahadah Gonna Lose It, Let's Defuse It…Gonna Capture Your Heart Right From the Start At the Very Beginning…

GDB:  Seriously?!?  She is seriously coming after us in that refugee from a GI Joe playset?!?  Let me at her!!

(Cyberbug: Calling Cyberbug 1, where are you? The old bag can’t find Nosey, or MM’s headquarters, and she is not happy! You have to take over, pal. I’m only a part-time substitute and clinging to the windshield of a teeter tottering helicopter was not in my job description!)

GDB:  You wanta play chicken with me, Persimmy?  You wanta play chicken with me?  I’ll show you how to play chicken. Like Big & Rich and Cowboy Troy!  (breaks into a chorus of the Big & Rich hit while aiming straight at Persimmy) “I play chicken with the train play chicken with the train train, uh huh huh uh huh huh….”

FF: (tightens her seat belt) Please, take us back, please. I thought we were looking for Nosey. (Covers her eyes.) NOOOOOOOO!

PK:  I’m leavin’ on the next train, is what I said I wanted to do, not on a jet plane, or on a helicopter.

GDB:  Don’t get technical with me, a chopper’s close enough to a train!!

(Cyberbug: She’s aiming straight for Persimmon! Okay, I’m outta here! *buzzes away and lands flat on YLP’s helicopter*) 

YLP: Look at that idiot. She always was crazy. I’ll show her a thing or two. She wants to play chicken, does she? Ha, she has no idea who she’s dealing with. Obviously, she doesn’t know who I am.

OGW:  Evasive action!!!  Evasive action!!!! Boss, how many hormones did you take today?!?!  This is no place for Air Rage!!!  And what was that splat on the side of the ’copter?

YLP: Relax. I’m the world’s greatest helicopter chicken player. Never lost a battle yet and not about to start now. (Aims straight at GDB)

OGW:  Bogie on the left!!  Bogie on the left!!  AND bogie on the right!!  Bogie on the right!!  Why didn’t I listen to my mother and take PIANO lessons!!!!!

YLP: Oh boy, more fun in the sky. Which one to take out first?

(Cyberbug: What was that part? Did she say…? Yes! I see it too! Another chopper is joining this aerial arena! And what’s that emblazoned on the side? ‘White Knight to the Rescue’. Oh, boy. This I got to see to believe. *zooms over to TAW’s chopper and presses antenna to glass*)

TAW: Of course you can steer this machine, Gail. What do you think I hired you for?

Gail: Let’s not get into that, Tobe.  ‘Cause I warn you, this little charade we’re playin’ is getting’ real old, real fast.  And insofar as the rest of the world knows, you hired me because me sitting at the desk in the office lets you be out of it.  Without anybody knowing the difference.  That’s why.  (Jams hand against control panel while adjusting knobs) Dang!!! Broke another one! That hurts!!  You owe me so many manicures, Tobe!!!

TAW: Will you shut up about your nails? Here. (extracts object from pocket) This is a brand new box of ten-penny nails. Enjoy.

Gail:  Tobe, darlin’, you better re-think that.  ‘Cause you hand me that box of nails, you ain’t gonna like where I put ‘em.  This charade of ours, remember?  The gettin’ old part?

GDB’s voice shouts from radio:  Oh, goody!!  Two for the price of one!!!!  How many torpedos have I got left, girls?  Tobe, you’d best be declaring your intentions!  Who’d you come to save?

YLP interrupts: Save? Tobe? Ha, that’s the joke of the century. He couldn’t save a flea.

TAW: No, I have not arrived to save either one of you! I’m on orders from U.R. Honor, and he’s demanding that all of us show up in his court, pronto!

Gail:  And you so don’t wanta get that man the teensiest bit upset at you!

GDB:  I’m not a lawyer, I don’t give a root beer moo goo whatever the heck it is about what a Judge wants!  I’m the press!!  I’m immune!!!!!

YLP: Darn it, someone always has to spoil my fun. Don’t think we’re done with this Gagga. Not by a long shot. (Aims helicopter at GDB again)

OGW:  Boss, I’m beggin’.  You’re not the press, you’re not immune.  If you won’t think of your own career, consider mine!  And why did I just bother to say that, when I’m talkin’ to a lawyer?  And why are you flyin’ this thing in the first place if you don’t know how to land?!?!?!?!?

TAW: Now listen here---

FF (covers her head): We’re doomed. Doomed I tell you. We’ll never see Nosey again. I feel faint….

PK:  We didn’t start the fire; Pigs didn't start the swine flu..  Miss Piggy, Arnold Ziffle neither has a little sniffle…Porky Pig and Piglet, Putnam, Gordy, Toot and Puddle…Not contagious safe to snuggle… I’m immune…

TAW: (shouts to be heard) Well, you’d better learn how to land fast, because he was frothing at the mouth when I left him, and it wasn’t because he was salivating after a Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipop! Uh oh. (points through windshield) Women, do you see that? U.R. Honor has dispatched his front guard, that steely stenographer of his!

Cyberbug: Another chopper? Talk about reaching dizzying heights! And what’s that stamped on its side? ‘Lion Mother, and Watch Out World Because I’m Roaring Mad’.)


TAW: Miss Barbara, you can report to U.R. Honor that I’m attempting to obey his orders---

Gail:  Exactly, Miss Barbara.  How ‘bout you obey U.R. Honor’s orders and ignore Tobe’s?  Since he’s trying to get us all jailed for contempt of Court?

BE: Look, I was sent here to make sure you get down there to the Court ASAP.

TAW: But--

BE: He Who Must Be Obeyed wants you all facing him when he gets back to Court in fifteen minutes. He said in his words: “If those (expletive) cohorts of Nosey don’t get their (expletive) butts in front of me I will slap an injunction on this whole island and maybe throw their precious Nosey into jail.

YLP: Garsh dern it. Now we have to go back.

GDB:  What part of “I’m the press, I have immunity” aren’t you people getting here?!?!

OGW:  What part of we’re not immune and we’re not going down alone aren’t you gettin’, lady??

TAW: Women, don’t antagonize her! U.R. Honor sent her prepared!

BE:  You bet I’m prepared. You have one minute to turn this thing around and head over there or I’ll slap on these cuffs I brought. ( grabs the plastic handcuffs she has in her enormous handbag).

FF: Immune, schmune. Can you land this thing or not? And where’s Nosey? I want Nosey.

PK:  You should be so lucky.

TAW: (speaking to FF and PK) Who are you two females and where did you come from? Can’t you see that M.M.’s protected Nosey somehow? Be concerned with what’s happening now!!! Gail, don’t fly this contraption upside down!!!

Gail (flipping chopper deep to left side):  Tobe, what part of “this little charade of ours is gettin’ real old”, don’t you get?  I. Don’t. Take. My. Orders. From. You.  And you know it.  You just like to forget it.

BE: Okay, you have thirty seconds now and I have my bbgun/taser ready if you don’t do it! I brought Carolyn if you guys didn’t do what I said.  (Fumbles inside her bag and out comes Carolyn Samuels, the main character of her YA novel, If I Could Be Like Jennifer Taylor. BE gives her the handcuffs.)

YLP: Charade? What charade? Gail, do you and Tobe have a thing going?

GDB:  I am the press!!!!  I don’t HAVE to do what U.R. Honor says!!!!!!!

BE: Sorry, guys I have no choice. (takes out her bbgun/taser and starts shooting above their heads.) I should have brought Jennifer. At least with her gymnastic ability she might have gotten us down there.

TAW: (gasps) She’s had enough! Watch out, everyone! She’s deploying her weapons array and firing out jellybean bullets! (stares at gooey mess dripping down windshield) Correction. That’s rotten eggs.

BE: I’m about to start shooting these at each of you and then cuffing you and take charge myself!! This is it!!! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...............................

TAW: Gail, don’t stall this machine! Hurry, do something!

(Cyberbug: Mayday, mayday, cyberbug 1, come in, come in!! I’m going down with the chopper!!!! Oooovvvveeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


To Be Continued…



Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!


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Thanks to Barbara Ehrentreu for guesting with I.B. Nosey! If you'd like your moment of fame in the Maniacal Madness world of that 'official unofficial' reporter, sign up! Instructions are listed on the left hand side of this blog. 


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

And Awaaaayyy We Go!

(Whispers from cyberspace:  When last we left our hero, that intrepid cyberspace reporter I. B. Nosey, he was in DEEP TROUBLE!!!  His attempt to escape the clutches of a crowd of adoring fans – well, two of ‘em were adoring fans, anyway, the rest of ‘em not so much – he’d climbed a light pole.  However, the light pole being no match for seven women intent on attack, he was about to slide down into the mob.  Fortunately for our Nosey (and me, since I’m in his pocket), Gander is on the job! And is that --  YES!!  IT IS!!  A rescue life line coming down from the hovering helicopter manned by Gander!)

Gander:  Nosey!!  Grab the rescue line and hold on!!

Nosey: I’m covered in WD-40! Throw down a pair of gloves in case my hands chafe!

Gander:  No time, and your hands won’t chafe!!  And if they do, would you rather stay here?!

Nosey (over the roars of the frustrated women below): No way, man! Okay, I’ll give it a shot…edge closer--just a bit…(jumps and tangles in swaying rope. Slowly inches way into cockpit and collapses into seat). You always save me in the nick of time. Way to go!

Gander:  Man, don’t thank me yet!  (Shakes head)  Where you’re goin’, bud, you might be beggin’ me to bring you back.   No, I wouldn’t wanta be in your shoes, son.

Nosey: Huh? (blinks) Aren’t we headed for the control booth? Where you taking me?

Gander:  Hey, I just follow orders.  And you know who I take my orders from.

Nosey: (gulps and whispers) Not…her???

Gander:  Oh, yeah.  She who must REALLY  be obeyed.  Gum Drop Island, Ahoy!!

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Oh dear, oh dear!  I need back up!  How’m I gonna report events when I’m in the sky flying toward untold dangers?!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Come in Cyberbug 2!!  Can you take over on the ground?!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Dummy!  Transport back!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 1:  No!  I might lose them!  You have to take over!!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Ok, ok, ok!  But I don’t get paid enough for this!)

Gagga DeBore:  Quick!  To the Old Bag’s heliport on the top of the building!

Y. Lee Persimmon: (stops and looks at DeBore) You have a helicopter?

GDB:  Of course I have a helicopter!  Doesn’t everyone?  Oh, you mean a lawyer doesn’t make that kind of money?  I’m so sorry, sweetie!  Not!!  I didn’t realize you were living in poverty!

O. G. Whattapayne:  Ha!  No, that’s me!  Not her!  Your helicopter got room for all of us?

GDB:  Like I’m taking you and Persimmy?  I don’t think so!  These fans, now, they’re handy.  Like instant tracking devices.  And much cheaper than that idiot Inves T. Gator!  Girls! Felicity!  Peachy!   To the Bagmobile! 
 
FF:((runs toward DeBore and grabs Peachy by the arm) Squee! Quick let’s go before she changes her mind. Like a ride in a real helicopter.

P.K:  Ho, oh, hell-ee-cop-ter-wheee. There's a time and there's a place; So James Dean; So blue jeans; He's gonna save the world; He's gonna...

Petunia: Take off to a place I've never seen; I'll find it from my helicopter… lalalal…I'll get there in my helicopter…lalala the smell of paradise…the scent of success…the whiff of glory…

GDB:  No offense, honey, I know you’re the innocent party in all this, but I can’t take that perfume smell in closed quarters!

(Gagga and the fans pile into the Bagmobile and burn rubber)

OMG: Okay, boss.  What now?

YLP: (stomps her foot) Now what? You’re asking me now what? What do I pay you for. Get a helicopter here, NOW! Incompetent help.

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Hello, friends, this is Cyberbug1 reporting live from the ground on Gum Drop Island.  Apparently, Gander’s helicopter is equipped with some hi-tech warp speed drive that makes transport almost instantaneous!  And we’re about to walk into – dare I say it?  The lair of She Who Must Really be Obeyed!!)

I’m peeping my little antennae over the edge of Nosey’s pocket and…what is this? What is this? Oh Saturday matinee shuddering horror, folks! Gander’s leading Nosey down one hall after another, doors silently shutting behind us. I’m lost, desperately lost, we’re just twisting and turning in a maze of long, I’m talking mile-long corridors, but-- uh oh. Pausing now before a solid wall marked with the initials MM. And--? For safety precautions, I’m ducking back inside the pocket.

You want to know why? I’ll tell you why!!! A flying robotic camera has appeared out of nowhere. I hear it humming mechanically and, and…oh, I’m too curious! I have to know what’s happening. Here I am again, peeking out.

Oooh, it’s flicking an encircling light first around Gander, and then down Nosey from head to toe. Oops. It’s hovering before Nosey’s glasses, its electronic eye probing straight into his.)

Nosey: (whispers) Gander, what’s it doing?

Gander: It’s not seen you before. Stand still. Don’t even breathe.

Nosey: I have to breathe. You have to breathe. My mama has to breathe. All creatures have to breathe.

Gander: (grits teeth) Will you shut up??

Camera utters feminine silky voice, “Authenticating bumbling, fumbling, bizarre, wild and crazy, one-of-a-kind, official unofficial cyberspace reporter I.B. Nosey. Proceed.”

Panel opens and Gander pushes Nosey inside. He spins back around.

Nosey: Aren’t you coming?

Gander: It said for you, not me, to proceed.

Nosey: But--

Panel shuts.

(Cyberbug: Holy high drama, have we entered a James Bond world?)

Nosey slowly pivots, staring at the semi-darkened room, a floor-to-ceiling screen occupying the far side. A chair swivels and a shapely petite form rises and approaches, staccato heels tapping sharply on floor.

MM: Close your mouth, Nosey. I’m fresh out of Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipops.

Nosey: But I…(gulps) You look just like that photo stuck on the top of my blog.

MM: Uh huh.

Nosey: You’re beautiful.

MM: Naturally. You don’t think I’m going to write myself up as being ugly, do you?

Nosey: (gives nervous chuckle) Say, Boss Lady. What gives? I’ve never been here before.

MM: Of course not. This is the first time I’ve written you in this situation, isn’t it? (sighs) How did you get so far off track? I simply had you on your way to Gum Drop Island to give a new possum brush for Heathcliff to clean his trenchcoat with. You just had to allow Petunia into your yard to eat those chocolates, didn’t you?

Nosey: I was headed to Gum Drop, honest, Boss Lady. But some kid came to my door with that box of candy. One look at that taped up wrapper and I knew it was counterfeit, so I tossed ‘em. It’s not my fault if Petunia waddled along and gobbled them down, is it? Hey, you mind if I ask what this gadgetry is?

MM: The computer screen? That’s my storyboard. You’ll see how I have each character listed, their personalities, and where I plan to take them in the plot. Although, all of you are acting strangely.

Nosey: (nods) No one’s sticking to their scripts, Boss Lady. That’s what I keep telling ‘em. You’ve heard me say that more than once, right? I’m the hero, but no one appreciates how hard you stress that, Boss Lady. No one listens to me. You think you can drop an anvil on these characters just to, you know, wake ‘em up?

MM: Tsk, tsk, Nosey. That doesn’t happen in Gum Drop Island World. But wait just a second…(peers closer at Nosey). Where did you get this jacket?

Nosey: It’s my regular interviewing tweedy-weedy jacket. The one you always write me up wearing.

MM: JQ Rose mentions your jacket quite a bit. And…(fingers jacket lapel) No wonder! Nosey, this is not your tweedy-weedy jacket! This one is weedy-tweedy!

Nosey: Huh?

MM: And the script? (tears it from Nosey’s breast pocket) This is not my script! Not the one I’ve written! Oh, this is the work of Smella Ratt!

(A ringing phone interrupts this tense confrontation, and MM hits the speaker button.  Whose voice will we hear?!)

Gail:  Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.  But you have made this investigation into the international world of counterfeit chocolate confectioners a nightmare from the Black Lagoon, you know that?  Now, before this investigation into Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy blows up like a nuclear bomb in all our faces, you listen to MM!  Because this thing is bigger than you ever imagined!  It’s all the way into New York and New Jersey and we have to recruit an agent to infiltrate Fat Boys’ New York office.  So it’s a dang good thing we e-writers from all over can count on each other!  Now, do you hear me?!

Nosey: (cleans ear with finger) How can I help with the way you’re screeching?

MM: Did you pick up on what she said about Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy?

Nosey: Uh, which part? She sorta lost me after she yelled, ‘Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.’

MM: The part about recruiting an agent to infiltrate Fat Lips Boys’ New York office.

Nosey: Oh yeah, that. (eyes widen) You don’t mean…?

MM: I’m typing the scene up right now.

Nosey: You can’t! I mean, me? Why me? (groans) I know nothing about any fat boys. Fat fans who chase me all over creation, certainly, but those are all girls, you understand.

MM: But this will be exciting, Nosey! Dangerous, maybe, but you’re the hero, right? What can happen, especially if I’m behind the keyboard plotting out your every move?

Gail over phone: And me. I’m here too!

Nosey: (gulps) All of a sudden, I don’t feel too good.

MM: Uh oh. (looks at blinking computer screen) Those blimps indicate unidentified intruders over Gum Drop air space.  Gail, what do you know about this?

Gail from phone:  Don’t you have the shields up?!  I told you Gagga DeBore has a helicopter!!


To Be Continued…




Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!

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