(Whisper from Cyberbug): Here we are again, dear readers! When last we left our hero…at least, that’s what he keeps insisting he is…that inept--er, intrepid ‘official unofficial’ reporter I.B. Nosey, he was hid away in a cheap hotel tied fast in a chair! I don’t know about you, but even I am wondering if M.M. has a clue as to how she’s going to write him an escape from that one!
I’ve secreted myself below said room and am sitting atop a street light, my antennae pointed steadfastly to that upper storey window. I hear a lot of commotion…what sounds like scuffling…a yell that sounds like, ‘you just broke my fingernail!’ and a Tarzan-like roar coming from Nosey’s throat! What? TARZAN??? And…huh? What’s that crashing noise? It’s Nosey! He’s breaking through the glass and falling -- falling-- falling-- okay, so it’s actually only a second-floor height, but there he is on the sidewalk sprawled hard on his noggin and it’s split into a thousand splinters! The chair, I mean. You don’t really think M.M. would write up her hero with a wooden head, do you?)
NOSEY: (groans) I’m so brave it hurts. Good thing I executed my Gum Drop Island Marshmallow Fall-Thru-Window-Goodie-Cushion before I hit this cement. (shakes head) Wonder why Heathcliff sold me a kiddie size, though? Huh? (stares at woman who approaches) What’s that on your blouse, lady? It says, ‘Laurean Brooks, Street Walker’. (brightens) Oh, yeah. Are you from, ‘There she was just a-walkin’ down the street singing ‘do wah diddy, diddy dum, diddy do’?
LB: (looks down at Nosey, lying in a fetal position) Where did you fly in from? Ple-ease, spare me! (Sticks fingers in her ears)Your vocal cords sound worse than my cat squalling. I hope you didn't pay for voice lessons, because if you did, you wasted your money.
NOSEY: Okay, so I can’t sing like a rock star, don’t throw rotten tomatoes! Hey, I need help. Can you get these ropes off me?
LB: Look, I don't have time. I'm searching for my cat. The last time I saw him he was inching along that window ledge up there below the window you came flying through. Move over! (Grabs the marshmallow cushion beneath Nosey and yanks hard. Nosey yelps in pain.) If you've flattened my cat, you are in big trouble! (Shakes her head.) No, No cat under there. Where can he be? Sass-sy! Here, kitty-kitty! (Looks back down at Nosey's pleading eyes.) I don't think I should untie you. I mean, you could be an escapee from a mental ward, for all I know. Give me one good reason I should set you free.
NOSEY: You have a chance to be a heroine, gal! I need to get to the script in my breast pocket and pass it around to everyone. Every character in this story is not sticking to the script!!! They’ve got to be eating some other kind of candy which does not grow on Gum Drop Island!
(Cyberbug): Oh, no! That’s the ShutUrFace&DoWhatISay company car arriving. And who should emerge but Persimmon and O.G. Whattapayne and…(cough, wheeze) smelly Petunia?
YLP: (approaches Nosey) It really is him. It’s about time you found him. What the heck is he doing on the ground tied to a broken chair?
OGW: Hey, it’s not my fault Nosey drives people so crazy they kidnap him! And you oughta be givin’ me a raise – AND a PARTNERSHIP – for having that electronic Gum Drop Island Gumball Supersize Extra Sticky Wangdiddy in his pocket or we woudn’t have found him now! You know how long it took me to chew that sucker soft enough to stick in his pocket?!
Petunia: Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey…lalalala. Sweet dreams are made of this… lalalala… Sweet-talking guy…falahdidah… Wang Dang Sweet Poontang…
LB: Get that skunk away from me! If she smells as bad as she sings, we are in for a treat. Is everybody crazy? I'm in the midst of a mental ward! I just want to know ONE thing. Has ANYBODY seen a long-haired black cat?
NOSEY: Will somebody please read the script??? No one is following their lines!!
(Cyberbug): And don’t look now, fans! Well, actually, I do want you to keep reading, but here screaming up in The Old Bag jalopy is Gagga DeBore! Uh oh, is this going to be a showdown?)
GDB: Alright, sister, hold it right there! Don’t you touch that man! He’s my shot at the Pukelitzer! He has insider information that is MINE!!! You understand?! Mine!!!
YLP: (stands in front of Nosey) Oh. No. You don’t ! He’s mine. You stay away from him.
LB: I can't believe you ladies are fighting over this disheveled heap of a man. You are either blind or desperate. (shakes her head) He is definitely no prize winner. And he sings like a bawling cow. No offense, mister.
OGW: Boss! Calm down! (Leans close to YLP’s ear and hisses) You don’t want the Bar Association to stumble on any of this, do you?!? ‘Cause you’d be looking at the Dis-Bar Association!!!
NOSEY: Excuse me, if I can interrupt—
OGW: You can’t. Interrupt. So can it.
Petunia: Yeah, right. It’s the new Peppermint Twist. One Mint Julep poured on Top of Spaghetti, like. Peaches and Cream for dessert.
YLP: Interrupt. Like who’d want to listen to you?
LB: I would. All this commotion is making me ravenous. But first things first. (cups her hands and shrieks) Sass-sy! Come out wherever you are!
(Cyberbug: And there’s even more excitement! Like the cavalry, here comes Felicity Funk and Peachy Keen!)
FF: (runs toward Nosey and pushes everyone out of the way and tries to help Nosey up) Are you okay? Oh my poor Nosey. It was true, you were kidnapped. You poor, poor man! Come on, I’ll take you home. My home. Out of my way, all of you! Is this how you treat a hero?
PK: Jambalaya Sukiyaki Vindaloo– what on earth have they done to you?
GDB: Where are these groupies coming from?!? We’re wasting money on Inves T. Gator!! All we have to do is mention the idiot’s name and these—these fans – come running!!
YLP: Fans? Nosey has fans?
LB: Idiot? I knew it! The man escaped from a mental hospital. Fans? What kind of fans? Roommates from his ward?
NOSEY: (shouts to be heard) Well, if no one intends to aid the HERO here, guess I have to save myself. (shrugs ropes off wrists and stands up) Excuse me. (presses between FF who is face-to-face with YLP) I’ll just step aside—
GDB: You’ll step into my parlor, said the spider to the fly! Wait! No, I didn’t actually say that! I meant, you’ll step right into this car with me! We’re going back to my office!
Petunia: Dear friend what can I do, To prove the warm affection I have always felt for you? I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice; I'm sure you're very welcome, will you please to take a slice?
FF: Back off, Lady. Nosey isn’t going anywhere with you. I just said he’s coming home with me. Where people know how to treat him. The nerve of some people.
PK: All’s well that ends badly…And now dear little children, who may this story read, To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed. Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye, And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly…But this is not the end. Oh, no.
LB: Oh, brother! Now we have a poet in our midst.
OGW: Will all y’all stop yapping and pay attention!!! He’s gettin’ away!!!
(Cyberbug): Nosey can’t make his way through that throng of women! He’s inching up the street light--the one I’m on--and slowly making his escape. Hey, maybe he is one smart hero, after all! Uh oh. (pole sways under Nosey’s weight) Good thing I extra-glued my sticky feet this morning. Whoa…(leans in as pole shifts direction)
YLP: Get him, quick!
OGW: Push, ladies! We’ve got to make that pole sway! Get him off of it!!
LB: Wait! I have a can of WD-40. (reaches into her purse and sprays the lubricant up and down the pole.) That should do it.
FF: He’s mine I tell you. Get out of the way!
PK: Mine, yours, ours.
Petunia: Cut to the chase. Oh, I see that you already have. Two months early for the greasy pole, what?
GDB: We’ve almost got him! But when he touches ground, it’s every woman for herself!! Now!! Mark and move!!!!
(Cyberbug): It’s no good! The pole is bending and poor Nosey is sliding back into those women’s clutches! Oh dear, I can’t look! (shields bug eyes with wings)
NOSEY: Gander, where’s that helicopter??? M.M., don’t leave the scene hanging like this! Rescue me! Help, M.M.!!!
(Cyberbug): Hm, M.M.? (taps monitor screen) Are you back from your coffee break?
Cheer rises from women’s throat………
To Be Continued
Next Nosey Time, Next Nosey Channel
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Thanks to Laurean Brooks for guesting with I.B. Nosey! If you'd like your moment of fame in the Maniacal Madness world of that 'official unofficial' reporter, sign up! Instructions are posted on the left hand side of this blog.
