NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Melanie Hatfield Talks Up a Storm with I.B. Nosey


NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I’m coming to you from— *gasps* I hear something. What can it be?

*Sound of pounding hooves. Creature who is half-man in front and the rear end is…um, the rear end of not a man… gallops up to Nosey*

CREATURE: *glares* And you, a long-nosed, microphone-clutching, bargain basement blazered specimen are not classified -as the writer has just labeled me- a  ‘creature’?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

CREATURE: My name is Bcoaretypqh.

NOSEY: *scratches head* How d’ya pronounce that, pal?

CREATURE: I just did.

*Loud claps of thunder jolts the ground. Nosey shrieks* Holy Chicken Little! I gotta take cover! Is there a shelter nearby? Quick! Quick! Anything’ll do… a shed, a groundhog hole, a convertible with a gorgeous blonde driver.

CREATURE: *raises brows* Convertible?

NOSEY: Oh. Heh heh. Then again, maybe not.

CREATURE: What you can do is to… *extends hand* climb aboard.

NOSEY: Uhh… If you think this Pukelitzer Award winning reporter is gonna ride bareback on a… *gestures* bare back, I gotta tell ya ‘no way’. Yeah, see. I got my trusty atomic-battery microphone to lead the way to— *lightning sizzles, frying Nosey’s nose hair. He screams* On second thought— *he leaps atop creature-man* Giddyup!

CREATURE: *races at breakneck speed through miles and miles and miles and miles and miles of mountains, valleys, lakes and rivers and— nah, he only trots a couple of feet and comes to screeching halt. Nosey lands -- on his head -- with a loud hollow bong*

CREATURE: Enter the cave at your peril. *nods at foreboding entrance*

NOSEY: Cave? *sprints to feet and brushes down sides of tweedy-weedy blazer* Ha. This official unofficial reporter doesn’t conduct interviews in dark, damp, musty, filthy, and spidery— *chunks of hail plummet from sky* Aack! *Nosey streaks inside cave* Greetings, new little spider friends! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial—

WOMAN: Stop right there! *raises arm and Nosey runs --smack!-- and lands flat on the floor* What’s wrong with you, Nosey? Can’t you stand upright in this interview?

NOSEY: What fun would that be? *leaps nimbly to feet… [he’s had lots of practice, you know]* And, remember, I am a professional.

CREATURE: A professional what?

WOMAN: *stares at Creature* Who are you?

CREATURE: Why does the writer continue to call me ‘Creature’? My name is Bcoaretypqh.

WOMAN: How do you pronounce that?

NOSEY: I already asked him. *scowls* Lady, don’t repeat my lines.

WOMAN: *blinks* Sorry, but I wasn’t present when you asked the first time.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

WOMAN: Anyway. *takes Nosey’s arm and drags him to interior chamber* So glad you’re punctual, Nosey.

NOSEY: What’re ya talking about? Of course I’m punchable— er, um, I mean… *tugs at collar*

WOMAN: Hm. *gestures at surroundings* What do you think of my little abode?

NOSEY: I dunno. *gazes around* It’s kinda spooky.

WOMAN: Wanna go back into the storm?

NOSEY: *brightens* Actually, you’ve made it pretty cozy. Yeah, with those wall torches stretching the deep, dark shadows and… *swallows* and squeaky bats hanging off the ceiling. *nervous chuckle* It gives a real meaning to the term ‘atmosphere’.

WOMAN: Yes, I am clever, aren’t I?

NOSEY: Uhhh… but if it’s all the same to you…

WOMAN: Nosey, listen here. *drags him down length of dimmed tunnel* What kind of reporter are you, anyway? You’ve not introduced me to your listening audience. I’m tired of being written as ‘woman’.

CREATURE: And what about me? I'm not treated with respect by this idiot either.

NOSEY: What idiot? *spins around to search behind him* 

WOMAN: *glances over shoulder at Creature* Who are you? And why are you in my interview?

CREATURE: *throws up palms* I give up.

NOSEY: Heh heh. I’m sure there’s a reason he’s present, Miss, um, Miss…?

MH: Melanie Hatfield. *grins* There! I finally get to announce who I am.

NOSEY: Hatfield? *jumps away* Holy hillbilly hoedown. You hiding in here ‘cause of the feud between you and the McCoys?

MH: *giggles* Not those Hatfields, Nosey.

NOSEY: *breathes sigh of relief* Goodie. Should be a pretty safe interview. *mutters* Maybe my very first one.

MH: *clicks tongue* You think?

NOSEY: Whaddaya mean ‘do I think’?

MH: Hard question, huh?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

MH: Here. Why don’t we do this. *presents book* Read the blurb and let’s see what your audience thinks.

NOSEY: *squints* Lights are bad in here. Why don’t you call an electrician?

MH: Use the light from your atomic-battery microphone. *rolls eyes* Where would you men be without us women using our brains?

NOSEY: I dunno. Lost my roadmap a long time ago.

MH: My point exactly. But, for right now, I want you to just read, Nosey. I’m getting impatient.

CREATURE: So am I. I wanna know what your book’s about.

NOSEY: What’s your name again?

CREATURE: *gnashes teeth* Read.

NOSEY: That’s a funny name.

MH: *hoots* Say what, I.B. Nosey?

NOSEY: I just said his name—

MH: Forget it. *taps book* Shall we?

NOSEY: Oh. Sure. Let me turn on this atomic-battery microphone.  *grins at MH* You’re not dealing with an amateur, you know.

MH: *purrs* Of course not.

NOSEY: Ahem. Where were we? Oh, yeah… Title of book is: Blades of Blood - The Chronicles of Turrack Series and the blurb goes ‘How far would you go to protect the ones you love?…*looks at MH* Hey, that’s catchy.

MH: Thank you. Continue, please.

NOSEY: As I was saying… *raises volume of voice* Princess Azedeh, heir to the throne of Turrack, slays the evil in her kingdom under the guise of Tina the Terrible, the most feared assassin in the land. When a creature of dark magic terrorizes her home, she must journey to a dangerous land to stop it at the source. As she encounters more magical beings on her quest, she must determine whom she can trust—and a wrong decision will cost the princess her life.’

NOSEY: Wait a minute! Whadda I just read? *stares at Creature* This says, ‘a creature of dark…’

CREATURE: That’s not me. *shakes head wildly* Honest. I just came in here to get out of the rain.

MH: Oh, diddly-doop. Of course it’s not you.

NOSEY: It’s not?

MH: I’m the author and if I say it’s ‘not’, then it’s ‘not’… er, don’t say that fast, dear reader.

NOSEY: Well, there’s some kind of weird or dangerous creatures in this here book, that’s for sure.

MH: Such as?

NOSEY: This Tina the Terrible, for instance. *frowns* Sounds like a brat having a tantrum.

MH: Hardly! Tina the Terrible is the guise of my heroine, Azedeh. Didn’t you pay attention to the blurb?

NOSEY: Actually, I was kinda distracted by those fat bats flying over my head. *ducks as one wings by* Dude, these things are ugly!

MH: *snaps fingers* Pay attention, Nosey. When Azedeh was eight, she was kidnapped by a group of thugs.

NOSEY: *nods* Uh huh. Okay. Then what happened?

MH: Eventually, she was rescued, but her innocence was shattered. Realizing there are evil people mucking up her kingdom, she decided to go down the path of violence - which, let’s be honest, makes things more interesting.

NOSEY: Who says?

MH: I do - and today’s TV shows.

NOSEY: Huh?

MH: *shrugs* Besides, a princess isn’t allowed to be dark and brooding for the sake of beating up bad guys, so she created an assassin’s persona of Tina the Terrible to secretly slay evil-doers who threaten her kingdom.

NOSEY: Oh, well. In that case, maybe she can set out bat traps. Ouch! *hunkers down as one furry critter zooms by, flashing shiny sharp fangs* Ms. Hatfield, this isn’t a smart place to conduct an interview!

MH: Straighten up, Nosey. Be more like Azedeh. In a way, she’s kind of like a medieval version of Batman - without the dead parents.

NOSEY: Forget Batman! *glances at ceiling* I just wanna be a Nosey man!

MH: Well, you know… *muses* They do seem somewhat attracted to your… er, unique? hair style.

NOSEY: Aw, man. *checks hair with fast hand* Gross and double gross. Look here, Ms. Hatfield. There’s only one thing to do.

MH: Yes?

NOSEY: We gotta get outta here. Gotta get rid of that evil kingdom for Tina and—

MH: How do you propose we do that?

NOSEY: Well, uh, I dunno, like, um, so - how did the evil in her kingdom get there in the first place? Couldn’t she just, ya know, sweep it out the door? *kicks at bat goo littered on floor* Like this smelly stuff oughta be.

MH: *purses lips* It would certainly make things easier if she could. A giant sandman magically appears in her kingdom and sucks people’s souls—

NOSEY: *jumps* Giant sandmen? What’re ya doing writing about old dirtbags?

MH: It’s my story, isn’t it?

NOSEY: Sure, but—

MH: But, unfortunately, our heroine lives in a medieval time so it’s not as though she can go to Target and pick up a Dyson.

NOSEY: But—

MH: But the only way to get rid of the… *points* bat goo, and the sandy threat is to venture into the desert where he came from and to destroy him at the source.

NOSEY: Uh huh. Right. The dangerous land you mentioned?

MH: Hey, the grass isn’t always greener. Stay on your side of the fence if you want to survive in Turrack.

NOSEY: I’ll tell ya how to survive. Yeah. Stay at Gum Drop Island, that’s how.

MH: Oh, you think so, hm? *bites lip* Oops. My bad. Guess I shouldn’t ought to ask what you think.

NOSEY: Ha. *snorts* Nothing to think about, gal. Use a box of those delish chocolates as a bargaining chip, and there you go. No wrong decision with that.

MH: For your information, I wouldn’t recommend bribing this kid with candy.

NOSEY: And why not?

MH: Because to her, she’ll assume it’s poisoned and kill you for threatening her life.

NOSEY: No way!

MH: Way, Nosey. Big way. *sniffs* Death by chocolate is not as fun as it sounds. 

NOSEY: I’m beginning to think there’s no fun at all in your ‘chronicles’ book, which… *flails arms at swooping bats* sounds like a ding-dong medieval calendar. Whoa, whoa, batsies, shoo! Shoo!

MH: A calendar of events, you mean? *laughs* Yes! With a Farmer’s Market every Wednesday!

NOSEY: Hey! *screeches* These bats aren’t funny, Ms. Hayfield! Ooh, ouch, help! *swats with microphone* You! Yo, Creature! Stop sucking your thumb - do something to help this long-nosed reporter. Ow, ouch, eek!

CREATURE: Who? Me? *shoves thumbed fist behind back* I’m - waiting - for my cue.

NOSEY: *yells* I just gave it to ya!

MH: Be quiet, Nosey. A woman’s gotta think. *takes on considering expression* Actually, did you know that the Chronicles is a spin-off of my comedy-fantasy series Kingdom of the Snark?

NOSEY: *screams and runs to other end*

CREATURE: I didn't know that, Ms. Hatfield. Tell me more.

MH: Well, Turrack started out as a random joke in the first book, but as I expanded upon the kingdom while writing the series, I realized there’s another world I wanted to explore.

NOSEY: Ooh, ooh, little batty beasties. *speeds to other end* In case you didn’t hear, my name is Nosey, not Dracula!

CREATURE: *watches Nosey bounce off walls like a ricocheting bullet* Uh huh, Ms. Hatfield, and— ?

MH: And it’s a realm that isolated itself from the others, so I don’t have to follow the same rules, and can make it darker than Snark.

NOSEY: Ms. Hatfield!!!

MH: What, Nosey? *taps foot* What’s your problem?

NOSEY: You gotta ask??? *races back to other end*

CREATURE: That’s my cue. *unzips ‘creature’ skin and lets it fall to bat floor. No, dear reader, you do NOT have to shield your eyes. This is a G-rated interview, after all*

MH: *gasps* Why, you deceiver! You’re nothing but a giant sandman in that cheap skin rug!

NEWLY REVEALED DIRTBAG: Yes! *evil laugh* And since the bats-in-belfry-haired reporter is too busy to help, I am going to suck out your soul, Ms. Hatfield!

MH: Nosey! *rushes over* My hero, my darling Nosey man. Save me, quick!

NOSEY: Save you? Why don't you save me*dodges bat-gooey bat-lips of hungry batty beastie babes*

MH: I know! We need a vacuum! *bites nails* Um, doesn’t your atomic-battery microphone come equipped in such emergencies?

NOSEY: *brakes* Whaddaya know. Come to think of it… *flips switch and aims it toward ‘dirtbag’

NEWLY REVEALED DIRTBAG: Ugh, no, noooo… *in a tornado of dust, he spins around toward cave exit and disappears in downpour-drenching thunderstorm where his name becomes… what else? …Mudd*

NOSEY: Whoa! Whoa, wait! *gets knocked off feet* What’s happening?

MH: Flip the switch. You have it in reverse! *watches as ‘swoosh’ of wind slams against Nosey and rockets him past cave roof* Nosey, turn the mike off! You’re being propelled into infinity and beyond!

NOSEY: Don’t worry, Ms. Hatfield... *streaking like a comet, he disappears into the stars, his voice fading in the distance* …I’m a professionalllllll……

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Available at Amazon

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Visit Melanie's Website

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Special Notice: Ms. Hatfield is offering a freebie, "The Quest for the Sword", for your reading enjoyment. Go to this Amazon link!

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If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your own! Contact Nosey via the Form on the left hand side of this site!

15 comments:

Gail Pallotta said...

Thanks for another fun interview, Miss Mae and Melanie. Congratulations on your suspenseful, imaginative book. A heroine Bat Man sounds like a fascinating character. Good luck to Nosey in this land of magical creatures.

Christopher Hudson said...

Congratulations on your book, Ms. Hatfield. Now, what was harder ... writing the book or enduring an interview with I.B.?

Melanie Hatfield said...

Thanks for the kind words, Gail! :-)

Melanie Hatfield said...

Christopher: If anyone had a hard time enduring the interview, I'd say it was Nosey. I hope he didn't land in Oz; they drop houses on people!

Larry Hammersley said...

Well, will we ever see Nosey again? Another delightful interview and Melanie I hope you do well in your fascinating story lines. It is always an interesting happening when the hero or heroine has to make a dangerous journey to solve the problems. Thanks I.B. where ever you are for this interview.

Laurean Brooks said...

Melanie, I think you stood up under the I.B. Nosey interview well. Great story. I hope your book sells like hotcakes.

It's Nosey I'm concerned about. Is he running from Tina The Terrible or those beastly bats? I hope he's a fast runner. Lol.

Lynn Lovegreen said...

The microphone comes to the rescue--kind of! Sounds like a great book, Melanie!

Diane Craver said...

Congrats, Melanie, on your new book! Sounds like an awesome story. I look forward to visiting your website!

I'm glad you survived the interview with I.B. haha - what a character!

Melanie Hatfield said...

What a lovely audience! Thank you all for your awesome comments. As for Nosey, I'm sure he'll turn up somewhere... as God as his witness, he shall interview again!

D Rhudy said...

Sounds like a truly awesome story Melanie!
I'll have to side with Nosey this time.
I can't pronounce the creatures name either, hi hi...

Another incredible rib shattering interview by Nosey.
He does have a way of making a grand exit too!

Good luck with your sales.

VTY
Dutch

Julie Elizabeth Powell (pen) said...

Sounds like a great and unusual story, Melanie. Great interview - it's such fun; are you over it yet?

Beth said...

What a fun interview. Good luck with your book, Melanie. It sounds like a winner.

Melanie Hatfield said...

Dutch: It's fantasy. No one is suppose to pronounce the character names. ;-)

Melanie Hatfield said...

Julie: I recovered much faster than Nosey. The bats have yet to find him. Maybe he'll turn up in Oz and get some awesome new shoes.

Melanie Hatfield said...

Thanks, Beth! Remember, y'all can also check out "The Quest for the Sword" for free if you're hungry for some more comedy. Or maybe just have pizza. Yeah, pizza and a free book; that's my kind of weekend! :-D