NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Lynn Lovegreen Has a Golden Interview with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m coming to you from…*frowns* Um…from… *gallops in ever widening circles like a loco moose who’s lost his way because…* What’s da matter with this atomic-iSmart-uNot-microphone? It’s supposed to lead me in all directions, and glow like a red-hot firecracker so that my Nosey nose will… Aack! *slams face-first into woman who suddenly appears*

WOMAN WHO SUDDENLY APPEARS: Hello, Nosey. You’re only… *checks watch* a month, twenty-five days, sixty-three hours, and a squad zillion seconds late for our interview.

NOSEY: I am? *wriggles brows* Heh heh, counting the time to see me, eh?

WOMAN: Ugh. *mutters* Guess I fell into that one.

NOSEY: Whoa! *backs away* What’s that doo-hickey you got there, girlie?

WOMAN: You mean my dog sleigh? I needed a way of transport to get here, Nosey.

NOSEY: That’s a dog? *points at snarling creature* His teeth are so, so…fang-like.

WOMAN: He’s a wolverine.

NOSEY: But I thought you said you had a dog sleigh!

WOMAN: *shrugs* Dog. Wolf. Coyote. Wolverine. Whatever. Anyhoo, Nosey, our interview, remember?

NOSEY: Uhhh… *keeps safe distance from large fangs of ‘wolf/wolverine/coyote/whatever/dog* Yeah. Sure. And…um…you are…?

LL: Lynn Lovegreen. *sighs* You don’t recognize me? I bet you can’t remember my book either, can you?

NOSEY: Er… *scratches head*  Got something to do with a dessert…

LL: Dessert? *snorts* That one’s of your half-baked ideas again.

NOSEY:  Baked. Yeah! *snaps fingers* Baked Alaska, right? Heh heh. I never forget a book title.

LL: Alaska, yes. *gestures at rugged, outdoor environment* Lookit the snow. What can possibly be baked here?

NOSEY: B-but… *fumbles in pockets* I’ll show ya. Sure I will ‘cause I’m a professional reporter, ya know.

LL:   Since when?

NOSEY: Since I— huh?

LL: *clicks tongue* My book title, Nosey. What is it?

NOSEY: Gimme a minute, will ya. *pulls lint from pockets, pulls more lint, most lint, extra lint, supersize lint, tweedy-weedy lint, polka dot lint, dirty lint, clean lint, recent lint, last week’s lint…*

LL: Stop! Enough with the lint, already! *rubs eyes* You’re making a dust devil.

NOSEY: But look what I found. *produces book* Ah ha! And the title goes like, ‘Alaska or Bust’, right?

LL: No.

NOSEY:Bust or Alaska’?

LL: No.

NOSEY:Alaska Bust’?

LL: No.

NOSEY:Bust Alaska’?

LL: Oh, good grief. *slaps correct copy of book in Nosey’s hand* You’re not in Hollywood, you know, so take off those funky dark sunglasses and read the title.

NOSEY: *looks once, looks twice* This can’t be right, lady. It says ‘Gold Nuggets’. That’s a funny name for baked Alaska.

LL: *sighs* Nosey, sometimes I wonder how you make your way home.

NOSEY: I just follow my nose, heh heh.

LL: Yeah, well. *clears throat* Forward and onward. Want to let your admiring public know what ‘Gold Nuggets’ is about?

NOSEY: I was just gonna do that. It’s my job, ya know.

LL: *smiles demurely* Go right ahead.

NOSEY: *eyes narrow* Hey, what gives with that smile? I smell something fishy.

LL: I think that’s your aftershave.

NOSEY: Yeah, I – huh?

LL: *slaps hand to forehead* The blurb of my book, Nosey. Read the blurb!

NOSEY: Sheesh, pushy female. What’s the matter? Didn’t you get to finish your Baked Alaska?

LL: Ohh! *snatches book back and reads*:In the shadow of Denali, she has a home, and he finds adventure. Charlotte Cooper wants to stay near her parents’ home in Alaska. But her dreams of being a writer call her away to college or work, and she has to choose her own path in life. Henry Reeves is a wealthy New Yorker seeking a summer adventure when he travels to Kantishna near the proposed Mt. Kinley National Park. He discovers two passions, one for Charlotte, and the other for keeping Alaska wildlife from being wiped out like the buffalo.’

NOSEY: *whistles* Wow, Denali must be a big guy if he can cast a shadow big enough for Charlotte to have a home!

LL: *coughs* Denali is a mountain, and yes, it’s big. As a matter-of-fact, it’s one of the few things bigger than your nose. Hard to believe, huh?

NOSEY: *snarls* Whadda ya mean by that?

LL: Well, I dunno. *glances at Nosey’s shoes* Maybe your feet are bigger than your nose too?


LL: *grins* See the way my dog is sniffing ’em? What’s ya got hidden in them shoes, Nosey?

NOSEY: Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya. *leaps back from eager-eyed wolf/wolverine/coyote/dog/whatever* Get away, pooch!

LL: He’s just friendly, Nosey. Ahem. What else can I tell you about my book?

NOSEY: Uhhh… *keeps wary eye on…um, er,* I was gonna say something about Charlotte’s dreams.

LL: O.k. Like what?

NOSEY: Like, can a ‘dream’ call her away? I mean, dreams can make phone calls?

LL: Why, sure. Didn’t your dream to be a world-famous reporter call you to travel to exotic places like Gum Drop Island, and the Hi-Octane Caffeine Coffee Shop?

NOSEY: *blinks* You’ve been to the HOC Shop?

LL: Hasn’t everyone? *licks lips* Mm. I love those Choffee™ drinks, especially the ‘Nosey’s Favorite’ one. Would you happen to have a cup with you?

NOSEY: Who? Me? *slaps protective hand towards bulging ankle socks* Why’d ya ask that?

LL: Why not?

NOSEY: Listen, I’m the only one who’s nosy here, but if you gotta know, it’s ‘cause the Choffee™’s all mine!

*Wolf/wolverine/dog/coyote/whatever growls and edges closer*

NOSEY: Yikes! *Nosey leaps behind Ms. Lovegreen and peers over her shoulder* Um, er, say Ms. Lovegreen…

LL: Yes? *purrs question*

NOSEY: I’ve gotta… *tugs at tie*… make this interview short, ‘cause I’m, like, needed at the balloon factory, you know?

LL: *nods* I see. They need you to replace the hot air canisters, huh?

NOSEY: *mouth drops open* Say what?

LL: Don’t worry, Nosey. *waves hand at wolf/wolverine/dog/coyote/whatever* Savage will be happy to escort you.

NOSEY: His name is Savage? *pales*

LL: Cute, huh? Okay, I’ll…*checks watch again*… give ya a couple of more minutes. What else do you wanna know about ‘Gold Nuggets’?

NOSEY: Er… *gives nervous chuckle* I was nosy about something you said.

LL: So, spill it.

NOSEY: Yeah. It’s that Henry Reeves guy. You said he has ‘two passions’, but that can’t be right.

LL: No? How come?

NOSEY: ‘Cause some of his passions are Gum Drop Island candy, Gum Drop Island Choffee™ drink and loving my interviews. That’s… *glances at fingers*…um, that adds to…er….

LL: *purses lips* Three. Yes. Hm. However, remember, Nosey, that they don’t have Gum Drop Island goodies up in Alaska. Can you schedule a shipment to us?

NOSEY: Me? Hey, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m a Pukelitzer award winning reporter. That means I don’t do mundane things like ordinary mundane paperwork that ordinary mundane folks do.

LL: ‘Ordinary mundane paperwork folks’? *plants hands on hips* Are you referring to writers?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

LL: And another thing. *shakes finger in Nosey’s nose* About those Nosey interviews, you’re not famous enough—yet?—for Henry to have heard of you. Not everybody knows about the Pukelitzer.

NOSEY:  *stares* Whatsa matter with you Alaskey…um, Alastic…er, Alaskianians? Don’t ya have internet up here?

LL: Don’t get personal.

NOSEY: I’ll get personal all right. I’ll ask Henry myself.

LL: You will, will you?

NOSEY: You bet your igloo lovin’ iceberg feet, I will. Yeah, and while I’m at it, I’ll just ask how he got to be so wealthy. My public’ll wanna know that. Uh huh.

LL: Oh, don’t bother Henry when I can answer that. He inherited his wealth, of course. His family hangs out with Teddy Roosevelt’s.


LL: Folks who enjoy the wildlife up here, just like Henry does.

NOSEY: *looks around* I don’t see no wildlife, except for… *gulps* That Savage wolf/wolverine/coyote/whatever/dog.

LL: Mm. He’s not the only one here, you know.

NOSEY: *starts* You looking at me? You mean I’m wildlife?

LL: Er, there’s wild life like you, and there’s wildlife. This kind of wildlife that Henry enjoys usually comes with fur or wings. *nods* Yes. Come to think of it, poor Henry does gets spooked by a grizzly bear and charged by a mama moose, but he still enjoys Alaska.

NOSEY: Well, if you ask me… Aack! *leaps away as that wolf/wolverine/coyote/whatever/dog/wildlife thing’ lunges* What’s the matter with ‘im?

LL: He’s probably wanting a snack. We waited so long for you that he missed breakfast. *clicks tongue in sympathy* So, since it’s your fault that his stomach is empty, you have anything to feed him?

NOSEY: Me? *backs away and shakes head vigorously* No. No. Nothin’.

LL: Really? *narrows eys* ‘Cause he’s smelling something on you, Nosey, and it's not that stinky aftershave.

NOSEY: B-b-but…

LL: I know what’ll soothe this savage beast. *smiles at wolf/wolverine/whatever/coyote/wildlife/dog* Hey, fella. Don’t ya think this official unofficial reporter’s nose kinda looks like a big, delicious bone?

NOSEY: Ms Lovegreen, what’re ya— *screams and spins away as a growling and snarling Savage pounces* Ow! Ooh, ouch! Get away from my ankles, you half-baked, aftershave-breath werewolf!

*Savage tears at Nosey’s socks, and whaddaya know. A ton of Gum Drop Island goodies spill to the ground. With the ravenous ‘wolf/wolverine/coyote/whatever/wildlife/dog’ nipping at his heels, a shrieking Nosey speeds across the Alaskan wilderness, over the trees, up the trees, around the trees, through streams and screams, past valleys and dales and… Well, you get the picture*

LL: Say! There’s one of ‘Nosey’s Favorite’ Choffee™ drinks. I’ll just take an itty peek inside and see exactly why it’s his favorite. *picks a cup from the pile and rips off top* I don’t believe it! *calls to wailing, disappearing Nosey* Hey, you Pukeliter award winning thief! This is filled with Alaskan gold nuggets!


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