NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Ray O' Sunshine Here, Mon'

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Look who's making the news today!

Uh huh, it's Ray O' Sunshine, mon', straight from the spores of Moldy Corners.

Uhhh, you know who he is, right?

We spoke about him right here in our introductory book, "Ahoy, Gum Drop!" Or, if you'd rather give a listen, enjoy this sample at Audible. Or try iTunes. Yeah.

So, without further ado, mon' (see, Ray O' Sunshine can even impress a celebrity journalist like me, heh heh), here is Ray and His Spotlight's new hit single, "Gum Drop Island, O Baby!" (be sure to click the link, friends)

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Cover Reveal!

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I'm sharing a cover reveal of Ahoy, Gum Drop!, that delightfully deliciousness-ness tale where I'm 'introduced' to the public. Like a famed celebrity like me needs a formal introduction, right? Heh heh.

Anyway, Miss Mae decided (and about time too, if you ask me) that the old book needed a face lift, with some of our most adventuresome characters (illustrated by artist Patrick McCuen) gracing said face. Whoa. Check out Sir O. Yuri Wiseguy-eh, Heathcliff, and The Narrator. Pretty cool, huh? 

The new face lift (no, not mine. This handsome mug doesn't need any improvement, ya know) is now on all eBooks purchased from Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, Apple, and other digital retailers.

But, nope. Not on the print version. I'm still in black and white there. Sigh.

It might be a new cover, but inside the pages it's still the most unbelievable, wild, bizarre, and wackiness of stories you've ever read.

Oh, and did you know we're in Audible too? Heh heh.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A Gift for All My Friends

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I'm here to announce an announcement, and boy, is it good. It's something to do with adventure, with danger, with me, and it's FREE!, wait. What was that about 'danger'?

Oops. This Pukelitzer award winning journalist is intrepid -maybe- but I've never met a danger that I've liked.

So, um, without any more Nosey words 'cause I'm, like, got an appointment with -let me check- yeah, with the President of the Peanut Gallery. I'm gonna split. Like now!

From Miss Mae: What Nosey meant to say is that I'm offering a FREE eBook to my friends and fans. Yes, FREE! This is a mini-read given as a gift for your enjoyment. Wanna know what it is? Well, you're Feeling Nosey, right? So go over to Smashwords and get your copy of "Fated Destiny...Oh, Yeah?" today!

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Nosey Brings You the News -- about Coffee!

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I'm here to bring you the nosy news you always wanted to know, but wasn't nosy enough to ask. Never fear. I.B. Nosey and his nosy microphone to the rescue, heh heh.

Chef at Gum Drop Island, Wrap Periwinkle, has created a new island drink, a combination of coffee and --what else-- chocolate! You'll love choffee, especially as it's non-fattening and non-real, as in only virtual Heh heh.

But for you coffee lovers, did you know there's some crazy facts about coffee? Yes, your intrepid internet reporter has braved the infested newsy waters to bring you things you never ever thought about.

Don't thank me. I'm just clever that way. Heh heh.

Be sure to check out this link.

And now you know the Nosey about your coffee.

Come join me at the Hi-Octane Caffeine Coffee Shop for more fun stupid stuff, and things you care absolutely nothing about. But, hey, aren't you Feeling Nosey anyway?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Nosey's Nosy About -- Alice in Wonderland

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! As always, heh heh, I'm right on the trail of a newsworthy, possibly Pukelitzer Award winning, subject. I've noted that I haven't alerted the world to this fascinating read called, "Alice in Wonderland." It's nowhere as fun and zany as my own charming self zig-zagging along the paths of Gum Drop Island, but I can't be Everywhere, ya know.

The latest memo says this tale is a classic about a little girl and some crazy characters she encounters in a Strange Land. Gee, this sounds more and more like some of the adventures I've been on, heh heh.

 BLURB: In 1862 Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, a shy Oxford mathematician with a stammer, created a story about a little girl tumbling down a rabbit hole. Thus began the immortal adventures of Alice, perhaps the most popular heroine in English literature. Countless scholars have tried to define the charm of theAlice books–with those wonderfully eccentric characters the Queen of Hearts, Tweedledum, and Tweedledee, the Cheshire Cat, Mock Turtle, the Mad Hatter et al.–by proclaiming that they really comprise a satire on language, a political allegory, a parody of Victorian children’s literature, even a reflection of contemporary ecclesiastical history. Perhaps, as Dodgson might have said, Alice is no more than a dream, a fairy tale about the trials and tribulations of growing up–or down, or all turned round–as seen through the expert eyes of a child.


What's my thoughts regarding this G-rated story? I'll let my rating system give you an idea, heh heh.

Monday, October 12, 2015

You Gotta Meet These Characters!

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter, bringing you the news that no one else will bring because no one else knows the news like this nosy reporter, heh heh.

You've heard me speak of Gum Drop Island, and it's come to my attention... wait, let me check my notes... oh yeah, heh heh, that was actually my past due bill for my latest shipment of Gum Drop Island chocolate... Er, *mutter, mutter* Here it is! My announcement card...

Yeah, I'm to introduce you to some of the characters you'll meet in the "Ahoy, Mischaps" series. Oh, you say you didn't know Gum Drop Island is now a series? What've you been doing? Living on Pluto? 'Cause you certainly haven't attended my latest Pukelitzer Prize Award dinner. If you had, you'd have known -- oh, you haven't attended any of my award dinners.


Never fear. I'll reserve you a whole banquet table for my future dinners. Heh heh.

So, just a reminder of who'll you meet in these "Ahoy, Mischaps" series which begins with Book 1, of course, "Ahoy, Gum Drop!"

Feast your eyes on my friends below. Can you recognize 'em?

1) There's me, heh heh, on the top, right where I belong, but..uh...why is Dr. Ag O. Nee leering at me?

I'll leave it to you to look closely and see if you can identify:

2) Sir O. Yuri Wiseguy-eh
3) The Narrator
4) Moose
5) Speck
6) Spang
7) Spit
8) Mandibles

Yeah, and, like, the second in the series, "Ahoy, Out There!" is now available in print and eBook. Coming soon as audio with narrator Owen McCuen returning as...well, all of us! Heh heh

Artwork by Pat McCuen
(watermarked by blackened pen)

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

A Pause in Nosey Interviews

Due to family illness, the Nosey interviews will go on hiatus. Hopefully, this won't be a long period before we can return to more official unofficial Nosey-ness.

Until then, continue to be "Feeling Nosey", heh heh

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Melanie Hatfield Talks Up a Storm with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter. Today I’m coming to you from— *gasps* I hear something. What can it be?

*Sound of pounding hooves. Creature who is half-man in front and the rear end is…um, the rear end of not a man… gallops up to Nosey*

CREATURE: *glares* And you, a long-nosed, microphone-clutching, bargain basement blazered specimen are not classified -as the writer has just labeled me- a  ‘creature’?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

CREATURE: My name is Bcoaretypqh.

NOSEY: *scratches head* How d’ya pronounce that, pal?

CREATURE: I just did.

*Loud claps of thunder jolts the ground. Nosey shrieks* Holy Chicken Little! I gotta take cover! Is there a shelter nearby? Quick! Quick! Anything’ll do… a shed, a groundhog hole, a convertible with a gorgeous blonde driver.

CREATURE: *raises brows* Convertible?

NOSEY: Oh. Heh heh. Then again, maybe not.

CREATURE: What you can do is to… *extends hand* climb aboard.

NOSEY: Uhh… If you think this Pukelitzer Award winning reporter is gonna ride bareback on a… *gestures* bare back, I gotta tell ya ‘no way’. Yeah, see. I got my trusty atomic-battery microphone to lead the way to— *lightning sizzles, frying Nosey’s nose hair. He screams* On second thought— *he leaps atop creature-man* Giddyup!

CREATURE: *races at breakneck speed through miles and miles and miles and miles and miles of mountains, valleys, lakes and rivers and— nah, he only trots a couple of feet and comes to screeching halt. Nosey lands -- on his head -- with a loud hollow bong*

CREATURE: Enter the cave at your peril. *nods at foreboding entrance*

NOSEY: Cave? *sprints to feet and brushes down sides of tweedy-weedy blazer* Ha. This official unofficial reporter doesn’t conduct interviews in dark, damp, musty, filthy, and spidery— *chunks of hail plummet from sky* Aack! *Nosey streaks inside cave* Greetings, new little spider friends! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial—

WOMAN: Stop right there! *raises arm and Nosey runs --smack!-- and lands flat on the floor* What’s wrong with you, Nosey? Can’t you stand upright in this interview?

NOSEY: What fun would that be? *leaps nimbly to feet… [he’s had lots of practice, you know]* And, remember, I am a professional.

CREATURE: A professional what?

WOMAN: *stares at Creature* Who are you?

CREATURE: Why does the writer continue to call me ‘Creature’? My name is Bcoaretypqh.

WOMAN: How do you pronounce that?

NOSEY: I already asked him. *scowls* Lady, don’t repeat my lines.

WOMAN: *blinks* Sorry, but I wasn’t present when you asked the first time.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

WOMAN: Anyway. *takes Nosey’s arm and drags him to interior chamber* So glad you’re punctual, Nosey.

NOSEY: What’re ya talking about? Of course I’m punchable— er, um, I mean… *tugs at collar*

WOMAN: Hm. *gestures at surroundings* What do you think of my little abode?

NOSEY: I dunno. *gazes around* It’s kinda spooky.

WOMAN: Wanna go back into the storm?

NOSEY: *brightens* Actually, you’ve made it pretty cozy. Yeah, with those wall torches stretching the deep, dark shadows and… *swallows* and squeaky bats hanging off the ceiling. *nervous chuckle* It gives a real meaning to the term ‘atmosphere’.

WOMAN: Yes, I am clever, aren’t I?

NOSEY: Uhhh… but if it’s all the same to you…

WOMAN: Nosey, listen here. *drags him down length of dimmed tunnel* What kind of reporter are you, anyway? You’ve not introduced me to your listening audience. I’m tired of being written as ‘woman’.

CREATURE: And what about me? I'm not treated with respect by this idiot either.

NOSEY: What idiot? *spins around to search behind him* 

WOMAN: *glances over shoulder at Creature* Who are you? And why are you in my interview?

CREATURE: *throws up palms* I give up.

NOSEY: Heh heh. I’m sure there’s a reason he’s present, Miss, um, Miss…?

MH: Melanie Hatfield. *grins* There! I finally get to announce who I am.

NOSEY: Hatfield? *jumps away* Holy hillbilly hoedown. You hiding in here ‘cause of the feud between you and the McCoys?

MH: *giggles* Not those Hatfields, Nosey.

NOSEY: *breathes sigh of relief* Goodie. Should be a pretty safe interview. *mutters* Maybe my very first one.

MH: *clicks tongue* You think?

NOSEY: Whaddaya mean ‘do I think’?

MH: Hard question, huh?

NOSEY: Uhhh….

MH: Here. Why don’t we do this. *presents book* Read the blurb and let’s see what your audience thinks.

NOSEY: *squints* Lights are bad in here. Why don’t you call an electrician?

MH: Use the light from your atomic-battery microphone. *rolls eyes* Where would you men be without us women using our brains?

NOSEY: I dunno. Lost my roadmap a long time ago.

MH: My point exactly. But, for right now, I want you to just read, Nosey. I’m getting impatient.

CREATURE: So am I. I wanna know what your book’s about.

NOSEY: What’s your name again?

CREATURE: *gnashes teeth* Read.

NOSEY: That’s a funny name.

MH: *hoots* Say what, I.B. Nosey?

NOSEY: I just said his name—

MH: Forget it. *taps book* Shall we?

NOSEY: Oh. Sure. Let me turn on this atomic-battery microphone.  *grins at MH* You’re not dealing with an amateur, you know.

MH: *purrs* Of course not.

NOSEY: Ahem. Where were we? Oh, yeah… Title of book is: Blades of Blood - The Chronicles of Turrack Series and the blurb goes ‘How far would you go to protect the ones you love?…*looks at MH* Hey, that’s catchy.

MH: Thank you. Continue, please.

NOSEY: As I was saying… *raises volume of voice* Princess Azedeh, heir to the throne of Turrack, slays the evil in her kingdom under the guise of Tina the Terrible, the most feared assassin in the land. When a creature of dark magic terrorizes her home, she must journey to a dangerous land to stop it at the source. As she encounters more magical beings on her quest, she must determine whom she can trust—and a wrong decision will cost the princess her life.’

NOSEY: Wait a minute! Whadda I just read? *stares at Creature* This says, ‘a creature of dark…’

CREATURE: That’s not me. *shakes head wildly* Honest. I just came in here to get out of the rain.

MH: Oh, diddly-doop. Of course it’s not you.

NOSEY: It’s not?

MH: I’m the author and if I say it’s ‘not’, then it’s ‘not’… er, don’t say that fast, dear reader.

NOSEY: Well, there’s some kind of weird or dangerous creatures in this here book, that’s for sure.

MH: Such as?

NOSEY: This Tina the Terrible, for instance. *frowns* Sounds like a brat having a tantrum.

MH: Hardly! Tina the Terrible is the guise of my heroine, Azedeh. Didn’t you pay attention to the blurb?

NOSEY: Actually, I was kinda distracted by those fat bats flying over my head. *ducks as one wings by* Dude, these things are ugly!

MH: *snaps fingers* Pay attention, Nosey. When Azedeh was eight, she was kidnapped by a group of thugs.

NOSEY: *nods* Uh huh. Okay. Then what happened?

MH: Eventually, she was rescued, but her innocence was shattered. Realizing there are evil people mucking up her kingdom, she decided to go down the path of violence - which, let’s be honest, makes things more interesting.

NOSEY: Who says?

MH: I do - and today’s TV shows.


MH: *shrugs* Besides, a princess isn’t allowed to be dark and brooding for the sake of beating up bad guys, so she created an assassin’s persona of Tina the Terrible to secretly slay evil-doers who threaten her kingdom.

NOSEY: Oh, well. In that case, maybe she can set out bat traps. Ouch! *hunkers down as one furry critter zooms by, flashing shiny sharp fangs* Ms. Hatfield, this isn’t a smart place to conduct an interview!

MH: Straighten up, Nosey. Be more like Azedeh. In a way, she’s kind of like a medieval version of Batman - without the dead parents.

NOSEY: Forget Batman! *glances at ceiling* I just wanna be a Nosey man!

MH: Well, you know… *muses* They do seem somewhat attracted to your… er, unique? hair style.

NOSEY: Aw, man. *checks hair with fast hand* Gross and double gross. Look here, Ms. Hatfield. There’s only one thing to do.

MH: Yes?

NOSEY: We gotta get outta here. Gotta get rid of that evil kingdom for Tina and—

MH: How do you propose we do that?

NOSEY: Well, uh, I dunno, like, um, so - how did the evil in her kingdom get there in the first place? Couldn’t she just, ya know, sweep it out the door? *kicks at bat goo littered on floor* Like this smelly stuff oughta be.

MH: *purses lips* It would certainly make things easier if she could. A giant sandman magically appears in her kingdom and sucks people’s souls—

NOSEY: *jumps* Giant sandmen? What’re ya doing writing about old dirtbags?

MH: It’s my story, isn’t it?

NOSEY: Sure, but—

MH: But, unfortunately, our heroine lives in a medieval time so it’s not as though she can go to Target and pick up a Dyson.


MH: But the only way to get rid of the… *points* bat goo, and the sandy threat is to venture into the desert where he came from and to destroy him at the source.

NOSEY: Uh huh. Right. The dangerous land you mentioned?

MH: Hey, the grass isn’t always greener. Stay on your side of the fence if you want to survive in Turrack.

NOSEY: I’ll tell ya how to survive. Yeah. Stay at Gum Drop Island, that’s how.

MH: Oh, you think so, hm? *bites lip* Oops. My bad. Guess I shouldn’t ought to ask what you think.

NOSEY: Ha. *snorts* Nothing to think about, gal. Use a box of those delish chocolates as a bargaining chip, and there you go. No wrong decision with that.

MH: For your information, I wouldn’t recommend bribing this kid with candy.

NOSEY: And why not?

MH: Because to her, she’ll assume it’s poisoned and kill you for threatening her life.

NOSEY: No way!

MH: Way, Nosey. Big way. *sniffs* Death by chocolate is not as fun as it sounds. 

NOSEY: I’m beginning to think there’s no fun at all in your ‘chronicles’ book, which… *flails arms at swooping bats* sounds like a ding-dong medieval calendar. Whoa, whoa, batsies, shoo! Shoo!

MH: A calendar of events, you mean? *laughs* Yes! With a Farmer’s Market every Wednesday!

NOSEY: Hey! *screeches* These bats aren’t funny, Ms. Hayfield! Ooh, ouch, help! *swats with microphone* You! Yo, Creature! Stop sucking your thumb - do something to help this long-nosed reporter. Ow, ouch, eek!

CREATURE: Who? Me? *shoves thumbed fist behind back* I’m - waiting - for my cue.

NOSEY: *yells* I just gave it to ya!

MH: Be quiet, Nosey. A woman’s gotta think. *takes on considering expression* Actually, did you know that the Chronicles is a spin-off of my comedy-fantasy series Kingdom of the Snark?

NOSEY: *screams and runs to other end*

CREATURE: I didn't know that, Ms. Hatfield. Tell me more.

MH: Well, Turrack started out as a random joke in the first book, but as I expanded upon the kingdom while writing the series, I realized there’s another world I wanted to explore.

NOSEY: Ooh, ooh, little batty beasties. *speeds to other end* In case you didn’t hear, my name is Nosey, not Dracula!

CREATURE: *watches Nosey bounce off walls like a ricocheting bullet* Uh huh, Ms. Hatfield, and— ?

MH: And it’s a realm that isolated itself from the others, so I don’t have to follow the same rules, and can make it darker than Snark.

NOSEY: Ms. Hatfield!!!

MH: What, Nosey? *taps foot* What’s your problem?

NOSEY: You gotta ask??? *races back to other end*

CREATURE: That’s my cue. *unzips ‘creature’ skin and lets it fall to bat floor. No, dear reader, you do NOT have to shield your eyes. This is a G-rated interview, after all*

MH: *gasps* Why, you deceiver! You’re nothing but a giant sandman in that cheap skin rug!

NEWLY REVEALED DIRTBAG: Yes! *evil laugh* And since the bats-in-belfry-haired reporter is too busy to help, I am going to suck out your soul, Ms. Hatfield!

MH: Nosey! *rushes over* My hero, my darling Nosey man. Save me, quick!

NOSEY: Save you? Why don't you save me*dodges bat-gooey bat-lips of hungry batty beastie babes*

MH: I know! We need a vacuum! *bites nails* Um, doesn’t your atomic-battery microphone come equipped in such emergencies?

NOSEY: *brakes* Whaddaya know. Come to think of it… *flips switch and aims it toward ‘dirtbag’

NEWLY REVEALED DIRTBAG: Ugh, no, noooo… *in a tornado of dust, he spins around toward cave exit and disappears in downpour-drenching thunderstorm where his name becomes… what else? …Mudd*

NOSEY: Whoa! Whoa, wait! *gets knocked off feet* What’s happening?

MH: Flip the switch. You have it in reverse! *watches as ‘swoosh’ of wind slams against Nosey and rockets him past cave roof* Nosey, turn the mike off! You’re being propelled into infinity and beyond!

NOSEY: Don’t worry, Ms. Hatfield... *streaking like a comet, he disappears into the stars, his voice fading in the distance* …I’m a professionalllllll……


Available at Amazon


Visit Melanie's Website


Special Notice: Ms. Hatfield is offering a freebie, "The Quest for the Sword", for your reading enjoyment. Go to this Amazon link!

If you enjoyed this interview, schedule your own! Contact Nosey via the Form on the left hand side of this site!

Monday, May 4, 2015

Children's Book Week Giveaway Hop

Did you know May 4 - 10 is Children's Book Week? To celebrate this fantastic event for the younger reader in our families, I'm part of the giveaway hop to help encourage a love of reading.

My book is "Ahoy, Gum Drop!" in audio version. A free download of either a US or UK code will be given to the winner.

Remember, this is a hop, so be sure to increase your chances to win by visiting Wishful Endings or scroll down to see the list of other great blogs.

To enter for my book, do leave a comment with your email so that I can contact you.


1) Follow on Twitter

Request, NOT Required:

2) Join my group on GoodReads

Thank you, and enjoy the hop!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Julie Elizabeth Powell Sweats Out an Interview with I.B. Nosey

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! Today I’m at the threshold of Chew the Fat Gym-Dandy Spa and— *gasps* What’s going on in here? *stares at all vigorous activity*

GIRL: *sitting at desk filing her nails* Hey, fella. Don’t just stand there. Time to get toned and tanned.

NOSEY: *glances around* Who’re you talking to?

GIRL: *raises brows* If anyone needs to sign up for Rocky Rolls’ Sweat’em and Deck’em Marathon, it’s you.

NOSEY: Marathon? Me?…*points to himself* Uhhh… as in, um, you don’t mean…er, exercise?

GIRL: Yeah, what’s the matter? *pops bubblegum* You never heard the word before?

NOSEY: The ‘word’, as you put it, does not apply to me. *puffs out chest* Feast on this fine specimen of male eye candy.

GIRL: Puhlese! *gestures at Nosey’s middle* Maybe you better feast your eyes on your own pouches.

NOSEY: For your information, kid, that’s merely what makes me so magnetic.

GIRL: *rolls eyes* Ugh!

*Woman jogs over and grabs Nosey’s elbow* Did I hear you say you’re the official unofficial internet reporter?

NOSEY: Drew you over like a marshmallow to a bonfire, eh?  *grins at girl* What’d I tell ya? This Nose attracts all the babes.

WOMAN: Babe? *glances from girl back to Nosey* Hm. Maybe I ought to introduce myself. I’m Julie Elizabeth Powell. C’mon. *pulls Nosey down aisle* We’ll have our interview in my regular spot.

NOSEY: Your spot? Ooh la la. Sounds kinda cool, heh heh, and— holy Jill Michaels! *gapes at two gym-attired girlies as they stroll by. Nosey’s jaw drops and he releases shrill whistle* Helloooo, dolls. *smoothes back hair with fast hand* Ahem. I could get to, ya know, sorta liking this place, heh heh.

JEP: Glad to hear it. So, then, can I… *pushes Nosey onto treadmill* sign you up for a membership?

NOSEY: Membership? *cranes neck to watch disappearing girlies* For what?

JEP: For my referral bonus. 

NOSEY: I’m included with a bonus? Heh heh, this place has class, after all.

JEP: On second thought… *winces* With you, I’d probably only make about three cents.

NOSEY: Say, I’d go fast at that price.

JEP: *coughs* Whatever.

NOSEY: Hey! *jerks back as JEP straps a belt around Nosey*

JEP: Be still! *pushes ‘on’ button*

NOSEY: Whoa, horsey, stop! *legs gallop at lightning speed* Lady, I’m a Pukelitzer Award winning journalist, not a Kentucky Derby jockey!

JEP: Gimme a break. *snorts* It’s only a ‘baby crawl’ speed. Here. *clicks gear* Now you’re at ‘snail pace’. Better?

NOSEY: I, uh… *pants* I’ll take a message and… *gulps* get back to ya.

JEP: I’ll be right here. *jumps on 2nd treadmill beside Nosey and races at ‘melting legs’ speed* Let’s discuss my book, ‘Misadventures of Fat Woman’.

NOSEY: Where… *puffs* Where is she?

JEP: Who?

NOSEY: You know… *swipes back of hand across brow* Fatwoman.

JEP: That’s just the title of my book.

NOSEY: Uh huh. So. *gives labored breath* Ya got a blurb to go with that title?

JEP: *propeller legs zip right along, leaving Nosey behind in virtual smokecloud* You betcha. Andi has always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that unless she is thin, she has no value. 

NOSEY: *silence…except for wheezing and moaning*

JEP: *silence…except for running, sprinting, and pressing treadmill accelerator va va voom!*

NOSEY: *silence…except for wheezing and moaning*

JEP: *silence…except for — well, more of the above*

NOSEY: Hey, lady. *gives pained look at JEP* I’m dying here.

JEP: *whistles* Yeah! I just read those last four lines.

NOSEY: Well, then you gotta see… *loosens tie* I, like, really need that blurb.

JEP: I told you already.

NOSEY: What? When?

JEP: Didn’t you hear? My blurb is: ‘Andi has always been anxious about her weight and like many women, thinks that unless she is thin, she has no value’. 

NOSEY: *frowns* Call that a blurb?

JEP: Of course.

NOSEY: *shakes head* Too skinny.

JEP: *shrugs* Blurbs are an odd creation; authors can either give away the whole plot, or be obscure to the point of ‘what is this’, or like me, can highlight the point of the book.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

JEP: In this case, Andi and her weight and how she feels about it. Not all of my blurbs are as short, but, as with all of my writing, it’s finished when my mind says it is.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

JEP: You know, Nosey. Like overworking a painting, it’s counter-productive.

NOSEY: Yeah, but—

JEP: Besides… *grins* I don’t stick to rules.

NOSEY: Don’t I know it!

JEP: *arches brow* How d’ya know?

NOSEY: By shoving me on this killing machine! *frantically presses different buttons* Where’s the ‘off’ gizmo?

JEP: Aw, another minute or two will do you good.

NOSEY: Good? Good? *screeches* I’m already good, lady. As in fabulous, fantastic, fit as any Hercules.

JEP: Really? Who says?

NOSEY: You gotta ask? My fan poster, that’s who.

JEP: *blinks in surprise* What fan poster?

NOSEY: The one that reads ‘I’m the Man, and Nothing but the Man’.

JEP: Wow. Where can I see that?

NOSEY: As if you don’t know. *snorts* That’s the slogan for my Bleachy Blonde fan club. 

JEP: *giggles* Ah, I see. Well, a little exercise won’t hurt, Nosey. *gestures at his middle* There are a few rolls showing.

NOSEY: *slaps protective hand to cover bulge* Don’t get personal.

JEP:  Ha, ha!  Are you feeling insecure, Nosey?  Doesn’t this prove that everyone has an Achilles’ heel?

NOSEY: Whaddaya mean? Who’s R. Killies?

JEP: What I mean is, I do believe that fat people get the rough end of the stick because they are thought to be at fault - completely.

NOSEY: Well, maybe, but—

JEP: I never judge a book by its cover, as they say, but I hope that folks like the cover of Misadventures Of Fatwoman enough to give it a try – yep, and laugh away the gloom.

NOSEY: *winded* Uh huh, but—

JEP: I do think that it’s a relatable book, where many women - and possibly men - will recognize the very real situations and sensations, and I hope it helps their battle!

*Macho muscular man with strong corded biceps and glistening muscles straining at T-shirt and mountains of muscles stacked on top of skyscraping muscles and - uh oh, said that already - well, anyway this really terrific dude strides up*

MAN: Julie, who’s your guest? *gazes Nosey up and down*

JEP: My interviewer, I.B. Nosey. Nosey, meet Rocky Rolls, trainer.

RR: *sneers* He’s gonna take a lot of work.

NOSEY: Fat lot you know, pal. *wheezes* I’m not taking any work, I’m at work. 

RR: Well, you’ll be glad to hear that it’s your lucky day, man. You can sign up gratis for my class.

NOSEY: I’m not here for school.

JEP: Er, Nosey, he means—

NOSEY: Anyway, I wouldn’t sign up for nothing even if you offered it for free.

JEP: Ahem. *chuckles* Don’t you like a good value, Nosey?

NOSEY: Huh uh. Nope. Not interested. Uhhh… whad’ya mean?

JEP: Isn’t it obvious? I think most of the Western world is aware of image, especially that of women. The media’s constantly spouting how women should look and it’s certainly filtered to men too.…

NOSEY: What’re ya talking about including men? *gets indignant* In case you haven’t noticed, my image is hunky good.

RR: *sniggers*

JEP: Hm. Be that as it may, all I’m saying is that I only know about how I feel as a woman. Someone once said that you can never be too rich or too thin - and that is constantly bombarded throughout the lives of women.

NOSEY: Yeah. So, what’s your point?

JEP: So, appreciate value, because consider. Andi believes she has no value because - in this case - she is fat…as this book is about weight and not money.

NOSEY: Uh huh. *looks around and whispers* It’s not about Gum Drop Island chocolates, right?

RR: *scowls* I heard that. Wait a minute, you two. This is a health club! Are you smuggling in little nasties? *eyes narrow* And I know how you’re doing it. Stashing ‘em in the tip of that weirdly glowing microphone, right? *grabs at Nosey’s microphone*

NOSEY: This is the one, the original, the only atomic battery microphone, and— it belongs to me!

RR: Something’s… *frowns and shakes mike* fishy with this thing.

NOSEY: I dropped a slice of anchovy pizza on it. *snatches mike back* Do you mind?

JEP: Er, it’s nothing, RR. Really. *leans closer to Nosey* So you know, huh?

NOSEY: Yeah, I… *gulps* B-b-but Andi didn’t - did she?

JEP: *nods* I’m afraid it’s true. She’s eaten 25 boxes of Gum Drop Island chocolates every day!

NOSEY: *grips microphone tighter* But they don’t cause weight gain! Honest! They can’t!

JEP: Of course not!  Don’t you think I know that each delicious bite of Gum Drop Island candy is virtually calorie-free — seeing as how it’s only virtual, I mean.

NOSEY: Uhhh… say that again.

JEP: There’s no need, Nosey, because she even states the kinds of things she eats, but enjoys what are considered no-nos, such as cake - and on her, one bite can add pounds!  However, no matter how hard she tries, the weight sticks to her like a nappy on a sumo-wrestler.

NOSEY: A - a nappy? Oh, you mean… *clutches stomach* Man, I gotta stop this merry-go-round ride.

JEP: Oops, sorry. Probably a bad analogy, but really, the point I’m making is that even if she could be her ‘ideal’ weight, she’d forever think of herself as ugly.  It becomes engrained. 

NOSEY: I know the world is in love with Gum Drop Island candy, but for someone to chow down on 25 boxes—

JEP: Andi’s not in love with the candy, Nosey. *laughs* She already has a romance in her life.

NOSEY: I know that.

JEP: You do?

NOSEY: Sure. She’s asked to be president of my fan club. *smirks* That gal’s head over heels for me.

JEP: Let me see if I can put this delicately… I’m sure she would be, Nosey, but I think her husband would have something to say about that.

NOSEY: *blinks in alarm* Whoa, that could turn into an ‘ouchy’ situation.

JEP: Possibly, but I can’t say too much because it would spoil the plot. Nevertheless, she’s been through a terrible time. Ray is her second husband, the first disaster being attached to her insecurities and weight; therefore, she has trouble believing anyone could love her.

NOSEY: I gotta tell ya, Ms. Powell… *exhales* this is one wild, different kind of story and— uh, not to mention seasick treadmills.

JEP: Well, here. *chuckles* Let me slow it down even more. *switches gear* My six hours is about up, anyway.

NOSEY: Six hours! You ride this thing that long?

JEP: How else do you think I stay in shape?

NOSEY: Why do you bother? *gestures wildly* You’re already so dynamic looking.

JEP: Oh, thank you, Nosey. *flutters lashes* But what do you think inspired me to become like this?

NOSEY: *scratches head* I dunno. You tell me.

JEP: Andi’s story.


JEP: Yes! I’ve battled with weight problems all my life. Even as a child -although, when I look at those pictures I wasn’t fat at all.  It’s strange how the opinions of others can defeat us and make us think we are of no value.

NOSEY: Well, yeah, I guess, but—

JEP: That sea-saw through life inspired me to write about the feelings involved, although it had to be done using humor. It’s the only way to beat the negative, and is a wonderful shield.

NOSEY: It is?

JEP: Uh huh. Because if you don’t laugh at such things then you’d break down – or smash folks in the face with that cream cake.

*Gals wearing boxing gloves hurry up to RR*

GAL ONE: Rocky, we got a problem. Hammer-Hand Hannah destroyed the last punching bag. What’re we gonna do?

HHH: I’m in adrenalin overdrive. *gloved fists punch air* Gotta slug something, gotta knock out something! Pow! Pow!

GAL ONE: Easy, Hannah. Rocky’ll come up with an idea. Won’t ya, Rock?

RR: Absolutely. *gives sly grin* And it’s right here. *grabs Nosey and hoists him up* Brand new punching bag, Hannah. Go to it! *RR’s iron grip squeezes Nosey in a not-so-cuddly hug*

GAL ONE: Lookit, Rocky. His pouches! *points at Nosey’s middle* They’re bursting open!

HHH: And what d’ya know? They’re  crammed with Gum Drop Island candy. *licks lips* 

RR: *snarls* I knew something was rotten with this guy! *drops Nosey and he falls -splat!- against mounds of glistening Gum Drop Island chocolate*

GALS: Whoo hoo! Let’s dive in! *moves to gobble up Nosey’s horde*

RR: Keep away! Didn’t you hear JEP? Andi ate 25 boxes a day and now she’s called Misadventures of Fatwoman.

GAL ONE: *counters* Didn’t you listen? JEP also said these yummy babies are ‘virtually calorie-free’.

NOSEY: And not only that… *leaps to feet* They’re mine! *brushes down sides of blazer* Sheesh, can’t a guy keep his dessert private anymore?

HHH: No, a guy can’t. *shakes fist under Nosey’s jaw* You’re sharing them, fella!  

NOSEY: Ahhh… *nervous chuckle* I don’t think so! *snatches up candy in one single swipe… (dear reader, if you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you know he has lots of practice doing this)… and makes a ‘clean’ getaway by fleeing stage left*

HHH: And what are we gonna do, people? *shouts to everyone in room*

CROWD: *roars* That candy’s ours! *en-masse, they torpedo behind Nosey in one wild-eyed, crazed, give-me-my-Gum-Drop-Island-mouth-drooling hot footed pursuit*

JEP: But, Nosey! *calls out* I wanted to thank you and everyone who reads my books. You can’t leave now!

NOSEY: Sorry, Ms. Powell. *voice fades in distance* But I don’t let nobody steal nothing from this reporter! 

RR: Ha! Then how come I*raises object above head in victory stance* have your atomic-anchovy microphone!


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