NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Coffee, Doughnuts, Hold the Persimmon

*For those readers viewing in IE, you will see notations scribbled by O. G. Whattapayne. We apologize for any inconvenience, but no one can transcribe her shorthand!*


Whisper from Cyberspace: When last we left this on-going legal drama at Flowers on the Fence Country, Nosey was in deep consultation with that Legal Eagle Eye Gail Branan. We resume our coverage of this high-voltage and – dare we say? – smelly – or not, as the case may be – litigation. We have secreted ourselves under a table in the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP, as Petunia the Skunk goes into Conference with her legal advisors. Listen closely as this broadcast might be precipitously interrupted in the event that – well, in the event that -- we get busted!

Y. Lee Persimmon (hereinafter “YLP”)strides forcefully into the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP with O. G. Whattapayne (hereinafter “OGW”) and Petunia the Skunk (hereinafter “Petunia”) following behind:

YLP (glancing at the Conference Table): Wait! Something’s wrong!

Cyber whisper: Oh, no! Busted already?

YLP: Coffee! Where’s the coffee tray? Where’re my doughnuts? What kinda of secretaries
are we hiring these days? Whattapayne! Handle it! Now!

OGW: Hey, I’m a lawyer, I’m not a –

YLP: Shut your face and do what I say! GET ME MY COFFEE!!

(OGW opens door and shouts down the hall): Hey! Can I get a coffee tray in here? ASAP! Whatdaya think we’re paying you for?

YLP: Doughnuts!

OGW: And don’t forget the doughnuts! (Under breath: Jeeeezzzzzz…….)

YLP: Okay! Now (slams hand down on table) let’s get to business here! Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this sleazy reporter – what’s his name?
OGW: I. B. Nosey.

YLP: Yes, you are. Now what’s the reporter’s name?

OGW: Nosey. That’s his name!

Petunia: Used to be, Carlos Santana said, that when a baby comes you can smell two things: the smell of flesh, which smells like chicken soup, and the smell of lilies, the flower of another garden, the spiritual garden. Used to be, says I, that when a skunk comes you can smell skunk, not skink or freaking pink! skink or freaking

YLP: You’re kiddin’ me, right? Okay. This Nosey –That’s really his name? (waves hand) Never mind. Now, Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this Nosey person – he presented you with a box of chocolates purportedly from Gumdrop Island and therefore purportedly of the highest possible quality, but which was, in fact, a generic knock-off from some cheap imitator, and it destroyed your DNA? You don’t aromatize? You don’t smell like a skunk anymore?

Petunia: Diana Ackerman, she says nothing is more memorable than a smell. I says that my DNA has been destroyed, ruined beyond repair, blotto, vanished, vamoosed. I look like a skunk, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.
k, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.

YLP: (Nods sympathetically) Yeah, I can see how that’d put a real crimp in your love life, there. Well, I think we have a good case, except what’s this I hear about Nosey already having an attorney?

Petunia: Miss Kilmansegg she says Poor Peggy hawks nosegays from street to street but she hates the smell of roses! Well, so do I. George Herbert says the best smell is bread, the best savour, salt, the best love that of children. But I say the best smell is skunk, and that has been taken away from me.

OGW: Well, he’s got a friend who works for lawyers. And she said she’d already talked to ‘em and they were taking his case. Here’s their card! (Pulls card out of Petunia’s file and passes to YLP)

YLP: (Stands up and screams) Not Tobe A. WiteNite! This can’t be. Of all the lawyers on this planet, she works for Tobe A. WiteNite! (walks around room, mumbling) – not good, not good at all. Why doesn’t the ground just open up and swallow me.

OGW: Well, I believe I have heard the name tossed around as being pretty good, but –

YLP: Pretty good! Pretty good this imbecile says! How long you been a lawyer anyway? WiteNite’s got the best trial record in the state! (continues to walk around the room mumbling) I’ve never won a case against him. (shakes her head) not good, not good at all.
Petunia: Bruce Buchanan said Texas comes out smelling like a rose so far, and I say so do I, and I freaking hate it. Do something. And just for the record I know you hate Nosey's lawyer, because...well, just because.

OGW: (Looking sheepish) Well, there’s always a first time, you know, and you always tell us not to pass up any case…

YLP: Pass it up! Are you crazy? No way, we’re passing this up. Oh, no! I want to beat WiteNite! In open Court! After all these years! (finally sits down) Oh yes, revenge is sweeter than a box of Gumdrop Island chocolates! (rubs hands together)

OGW: You’re lookin’ scary there, Boss. Like there’s a real vendetta goin’ on or something.
YLP: Never you mind how scary I’m looking. You’ve never seen scary! Now, what did you tell me about smoking gun in your holster there? Something we can use to lock this case up tight before we even file suit?

OGW: Oh, that was priceless! Before his friend got back to stop him, I had this Affidavit already ready for him, he admits to everything except the Lindburgh kidnapping! Come to think of it, I should have put that in there too! s

YLP: Well, let’s see it, girl! What’re you waiting for?

Petunia: Seth Eisenberg almost says that if it looks like whatsit, and feels like whatsit, you don't have to actually smell it to know it’s whatsit. But here I am, looking and – as you’ll know if you stroke my fur – feeling like a skunk, but not smelling like a skunk at all. Do something.

OGW: (Reaches in file to retrieve document) See? Here’s his signature, clear as daylight! (Hands to YLP)
YLP: (Scans it quickly, stands up and yella) Do you know what this means?

OGW: (Preening) Oh, yeah! It means – (standing and performing a bit of the Moonwalk) I’m good, I’m good, I’m good!!
YLP: (Throws the document down) It means you’re a moron! This is a receipt for a pizza delivery!!!
To Be Continued at Next Posting.
Same Blog Time, Same Blog Channel!


Pat Dale said...

What kind of idiot lawyers are these folk? If Petunia was de-flowered, there's a much more serious charge to be brought here. Where's a good lawyer when you need one? Sheesh!

Miss Mae said...

*Again, apologies to those who use Internet Explorer. Html code shows, and I'm baffled as to why it does. I have four browsers, and IE is the only one with this 'fluke'.Still, at least you can say you read between the lines! :) *

Roseanne Dowell said...

Can't wait to see what Persimmion and WiteNite have in store for us. And poor Petunia, to be deskunked.

gail roughton branan said...

Well, actually, Pat, sweetie she wasn't DEFLOWERED, she was uhm, flowered. So not good for a skunk!

y. lee persimmion said...

Uh....excuse me...what do you mean what kind of lawyers are these? We took this case pro bona because Petunia didn't have the money. So I'd say we're pretty good. Nsey is going to pay. That's all there is to it. Whoever thought to get chocolates from anywhere beside Gumdrop Island anyway?

J Q Rose said...

Hey, what kind of chocolates were they? I have a few skunks in my yard and I want to know!! I'd love them un-skunked. Oh, woops, that doesn't mean that I am not sympathetic to poor dear Petunia's plight. I am very anxious to meet Lawyer WiteNite. I wonder why he is such a good lawyer..Probably due to his able assistant!

Tobe A. WiteNite, At Your Service! said...

Posh tosh, Persimmy. Here now, this poor Nosey has retained my services. Why don't you back off like a good girl, eh, drop this mad lawsuit? Representing a skunk! Posh tosh, Persimmy, is this what it's come to?

y. lee persimmion said...

Posh tosh, pish posh.Drop this suit? Are you out of your mind?Representing a skunk is better than representing your type of clients. Yes, this is what it's come to, and I fully intend to win this one. Already, Petunia has everyone's sympathy.

Tanja said...

Begone, sexistest, creatureistest, conceitedest numbskull. As Jacula Prudentum says, Well may hee smell fire, whose gowne burnes. Begone, I tell ya.

gail roughton branan said...

Pro bono? Who you kiddin', Ms. Persimmon? You took it on a contingent fee, you're getting a third of any recovery if it settles before trial (NOT LIKELY!) and forty percent if a judgment's rendered at the conclusion of trial (ALSO NOT LIKELY!) So come off the pro bono halo, that don't wash! And I'm sure there are rational people out there who realize the doors now open to Petunia since she doesn'tsmell like a skunk anymore!

y. lee persimmion said...

One more thing, Mr. WiteNite, DON'T CALL ME PERSIMMY!!! Only my friends call me that and you, sir, are NOT my friend.
Uh, Ms Gail, you don't know of what you speak. I'm not taking a penny of any money - well okay, expensies - everything else is being donated to S.K.U.N.K.

Tobe A. WiteNite, At Your Service! said...

Quite right, Gail Roughton Branan, quite right. Thus says those details to our ears from the same cyber whispers.

Now...ahem, Persimmy...didn't we once upon a time-- *wink* pledge to never be on opposite sides in a law of court?

Posh tosh, let's settle this here and now, shall we, since there is a rumor that we're likely to appear before...well, U.R. Honor. 'Tis not to bode well for you, you'll see.

gail roughton branan said...

Now, Ms. Persimmon, if you think I believe for one minute that you're donating your legal fees to S.K.U.N.K., you should come on over and try and sell me that beachfront property you have in Montana. Oh, and uh, Tobe keeps a photo album/scrapbook from his law school days. You know, fraternity and sorority parties and such like. Just thought you might want to know in case you'd like COPIES of any of them!

Danielle Thorne said...

Cute blog. Love the cast of IB Nosey. :)

Miss Mae said...

Thanks to Pat, J.Q., Gail Pallotta, and Danielle for coming over to visit I.B. Nosey today. :)

E.A. West said...

Great blog! I love the pizza delivery receipt. :)

y. lee persimmion said...

Well, Ms Gail, it doesn't matter if you believe it or not, it's true. I don't need the copies, I have my own, thank you very much. And you, WiteNite, can wink all you want. Your antics don't work on me anymore. Harumph! (Persimmons turns her back and taps her foot) the nerve of that man. Oh, by the way. I llok forward to appearing before U.R. Honor! Harrumph!

gail roughton branan said...

Ms. Persimmon, I haven't worked in a law office for 35 years for nothing so don't even go there with me about the fees. Oh, and uh, just a heads-up. You might not have copies of all of these photos. (You look so cute with that lampshade on your head!)

Pat McDermott said...

What a hoot. Looking forward to meeting U.R. Honor.

P.L. Parker said...

Oh I loved Petunia! Great post!

Karen Cote said...

You all are so cute and funny. Great blog and looks like you are having lots of fun. just crack me up. Gail, simply priceless.

lionmother said...

Dropped by to read this, but I'm too sleepy. Will come back tomorrow.

lionmother said...

Oh, this is definitely funny. What a case and what a group of lawyers and that defendant!!! So cute and so like you, Gail. Is this your new gig or are you just helping out a friend?

Tanja said...

Having been appointed as Transcription Secretary to Petunia by the ourt Registrar, I am hereby herewith declaring: She has told me to say that Benjamin Franklin said that fish and guests smell after three days and that she wishes that she was a fish skunk or fish guest but not a pink rose guest. Moreover, she told me to say that the Japanese Proverb says that the bean paste that smells like bean paste is not the best quality, and that ergo, as a logical corollary, the skunk that does not smell of skunk is not the best skunk at all. She wants me to say that she has a lot more things to say and to admit that I am refusing to write any more about that which is bothering her so much that she has asked me to write about it. Oh, and she says that she wants to thank that nice lady for the compliment.

Anne Patrick said...

Love it! What a cast of characters!