NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

And Awaaaayyy We Go!

(Whispers from cyberspace:  When last we left our hero, that intrepid cyberspace reporter I. B. Nosey, he was in DEEP TROUBLE!!!  His attempt to escape the clutches of a crowd of adoring fans – well, two of ‘em were adoring fans, anyway, the rest of ‘em not so much – he’d climbed a light pole.  However, the light pole being no match for seven women intent on attack, he was about to slide down into the mob.  Fortunately for our Nosey (and me, since I’m in his pocket), Gander is on the job! And is that --  YES!!  IT IS!!  A rescue life line coming down from the hovering helicopter manned by Gander!)

Gander:  Nosey!!  Grab the rescue line and hold on!!

Nosey: I’m covered in WD-40! Throw down a pair of gloves in case my hands chafe!

Gander:  No time, and your hands won’t chafe!!  And if they do, would you rather stay here?!

Nosey (over the roars of the frustrated women below): No way, man! Okay, I’ll give it a shot…edge closer--just a bit…(jumps and tangles in swaying rope. Slowly inches way into cockpit and collapses into seat). You always save me in the nick of time. Way to go!

Gander:  Man, don’t thank me yet!  (Shakes head)  Where you’re goin’, bud, you might be beggin’ me to bring you back.   No, I wouldn’t wanta be in your shoes, son.

Nosey: Huh? (blinks) Aren’t we headed for the control booth? Where you taking me?

Gander:  Hey, I just follow orders.  And you know who I take my orders from.

Nosey: (gulps and whispers) Not…her???

Gander:  Oh, yeah.  She who must REALLY  be obeyed.  Gum Drop Island, Ahoy!!

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Oh dear, oh dear!  I need back up!  How’m I gonna report events when I’m in the sky flying toward untold dangers?!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Come in Cyberbug 2!!  Can you take over on the ground?!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Dummy!  Transport back!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 1:  No!  I might lose them!  You have to take over!!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Ok, ok, ok!  But I don’t get paid enough for this!)

Gagga DeBore:  Quick!  To the Old Bag’s heliport on the top of the building!

Y. Lee Persimmon: (stops and looks at DeBore) You have a helicopter?

GDB:  Of course I have a helicopter!  Doesn’t everyone?  Oh, you mean a lawyer doesn’t make that kind of money?  I’m so sorry, sweetie!  Not!!  I didn’t realize you were living in poverty!

O. G. Whattapayne:  Ha!  No, that’s me!  Not her!  Your helicopter got room for all of us?

GDB:  Like I’m taking you and Persimmy?  I don’t think so!  These fans, now, they’re handy.  Like instant tracking devices.  And much cheaper than that idiot Inves T. Gator!  Girls! Felicity!  Peachy!   To the Bagmobile! 
FF:((runs toward DeBore and grabs Peachy by the arm) Squee! Quick let’s go before she changes her mind. Like a ride in a real helicopter.

P.K:  Ho, oh, hell-ee-cop-ter-wheee. There's a time and there's a place; So James Dean; So blue jeans; He's gonna save the world; He's gonna...

Petunia: Take off to a place I've never seen; I'll find it from my helicopter… lalalal…I'll get there in my helicopter…lalala the smell of paradise…the scent of success…the whiff of glory…

GDB:  No offense, honey, I know you’re the innocent party in all this, but I can’t take that perfume smell in closed quarters!

(Gagga and the fans pile into the Bagmobile and burn rubber)

OMG: Okay, boss.  What now?

YLP: (stomps her foot) Now what? You’re asking me now what? What do I pay you for. Get a helicopter here, NOW! Incompetent help.

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Hello, friends, this is Cyberbug1 reporting live from the ground on Gum Drop Island.  Apparently, Gander’s helicopter is equipped with some hi-tech warp speed drive that makes transport almost instantaneous!  And we’re about to walk into – dare I say it?  The lair of She Who Must Really be Obeyed!!)

I’m peeping my little antennae over the edge of Nosey’s pocket and…what is this? What is this? Oh Saturday matinee shuddering horror, folks! Gander’s leading Nosey down one hall after another, doors silently shutting behind us. I’m lost, desperately lost, we’re just twisting and turning in a maze of long, I’m talking mile-long corridors, but-- uh oh. Pausing now before a solid wall marked with the initials MM. And--? For safety precautions, I’m ducking back inside the pocket.

You want to know why? I’ll tell you why!!! A flying robotic camera has appeared out of nowhere. I hear it humming mechanically and, and…oh, I’m too curious! I have to know what’s happening. Here I am again, peeking out.

Oooh, it’s flicking an encircling light first around Gander, and then down Nosey from head to toe. Oops. It’s hovering before Nosey’s glasses, its electronic eye probing straight into his.)

Nosey: (whispers) Gander, what’s it doing?

Gander: It’s not seen you before. Stand still. Don’t even breathe.

Nosey: I have to breathe. You have to breathe. My mama has to breathe. All creatures have to breathe.

Gander: (grits teeth) Will you shut up??

Camera utters feminine silky voice, “Authenticating bumbling, fumbling, bizarre, wild and crazy, one-of-a-kind, official unofficial cyberspace reporter I.B. Nosey. Proceed.”

Panel opens and Gander pushes Nosey inside. He spins back around.

Nosey: Aren’t you coming?

Gander: It said for you, not me, to proceed.

Nosey: But--

Panel shuts.

(Cyberbug: Holy high drama, have we entered a James Bond world?)

Nosey slowly pivots, staring at the semi-darkened room, a floor-to-ceiling screen occupying the far side. A chair swivels and a shapely petite form rises and approaches, staccato heels tapping sharply on floor.

MM: Close your mouth, Nosey. I’m fresh out of Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipops.

Nosey: But I…(gulps) You look just like that photo stuck on the top of my blog.

MM: Uh huh.

Nosey: You’re beautiful.

MM: Naturally. You don’t think I’m going to write myself up as being ugly, do you?

Nosey: (gives nervous chuckle) Say, Boss Lady. What gives? I’ve never been here before.

MM: Of course not. This is the first time I’ve written you in this situation, isn’t it? (sighs) How did you get so far off track? I simply had you on your way to Gum Drop Island to give a new possum brush for Heathcliff to clean his trenchcoat with. You just had to allow Petunia into your yard to eat those chocolates, didn’t you?

Nosey: I was headed to Gum Drop, honest, Boss Lady. But some kid came to my door with that box of candy. One look at that taped up wrapper and I knew it was counterfeit, so I tossed ‘em. It’s not my fault if Petunia waddled along and gobbled them down, is it? Hey, you mind if I ask what this gadgetry is?

MM: The computer screen? That’s my storyboard. You’ll see how I have each character listed, their personalities, and where I plan to take them in the plot. Although, all of you are acting strangely.

Nosey: (nods) No one’s sticking to their scripts, Boss Lady. That’s what I keep telling ‘em. You’ve heard me say that more than once, right? I’m the hero, but no one appreciates how hard you stress that, Boss Lady. No one listens to me. You think you can drop an anvil on these characters just to, you know, wake ‘em up?

MM: Tsk, tsk, Nosey. That doesn’t happen in Gum Drop Island World. But wait just a second…(peers closer at Nosey). Where did you get this jacket?

Nosey: It’s my regular interviewing tweedy-weedy jacket. The one you always write me up wearing.

MM: JQ Rose mentions your jacket quite a bit. And…(fingers jacket lapel) No wonder! Nosey, this is not your tweedy-weedy jacket! This one is weedy-tweedy!

Nosey: Huh?

MM: And the script? (tears it from Nosey’s breast pocket) This is not my script! Not the one I’ve written! Oh, this is the work of Smella Ratt!

(A ringing phone interrupts this tense confrontation, and MM hits the speaker button.  Whose voice will we hear?!)

Gail:  Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.  But you have made this investigation into the international world of counterfeit chocolate confectioners a nightmare from the Black Lagoon, you know that?  Now, before this investigation into Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy blows up like a nuclear bomb in all our faces, you listen to MM!  Because this thing is bigger than you ever imagined!  It’s all the way into New York and New Jersey and we have to recruit an agent to infiltrate Fat Boys’ New York office.  So it’s a dang good thing we e-writers from all over can count on each other!  Now, do you hear me?!

Nosey: (cleans ear with finger) How can I help with the way you’re screeching?

MM: Did you pick up on what she said about Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy?

Nosey: Uh, which part? She sorta lost me after she yelled, ‘Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.’

MM: The part about recruiting an agent to infiltrate Fat Lips Boys’ New York office.

Nosey: Oh yeah, that. (eyes widen) You don’t mean…?

MM: I’m typing the scene up right now.

Nosey: You can’t! I mean, me? Why me? (groans) I know nothing about any fat boys. Fat fans who chase me all over creation, certainly, but those are all girls, you understand.

MM: But this will be exciting, Nosey! Dangerous, maybe, but you’re the hero, right? What can happen, especially if I’m behind the keyboard plotting out your every move?

Gail over phone: And me. I’m here too!

Nosey: (gulps) All of a sudden, I don’t feel too good.

MM: Uh oh. (looks at blinking computer screen) Those blimps indicate unidentified intruders over Gum Drop air space.  Gail, what do you know about this?

Gail from phone:  Don’t you have the shields up?!  I told you Gagga DeBore has a helicopter!!

To Be Continued…

Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!



gail roughton branan said...

Holy James Bond! (And I want the Pierce Brosnan James Bond, no subsitutes accepted!) I don't get PAID enough for all this! Just because Tobe WiteNite's got a thing for She Who Must REALLY be obeyed! And now would you look! Would you just LOOK where all this is going?!

Roseanne Dowell said...

This is really getting scary now. Poor Nosey. What will he get into next. I hear tell Persimmy's not very happy at being left of of Gaga's helicopter.

Pat Dale said...

Oh, boy. this is almost more than my old ticker can stand. I guess I'll recover in time for next week's episode. If not, at least I'll go happy. what I always say, "if ya gotta go, ya gotta go happy!"

I.B. Nosey said...

Gail, your idea hits the spot. Can you kinda, ya know, plead, beg, sob about Pierce taking my place? A spy is NO role for a cyberspace reporter! I mean, yeah, I'm the biggest, baddest, toughest, handsomest hero that ever lived, or that was ever created in the dizzy-loving minds of all these lady romance novelists....but, sheesh, I can't have Pierce, or Roger Moore, or Sean Connelly ganging up on me out of envy. Which, naturally, they would conspire to do.

So....HELP, HELP, HELP, I need somebody to save me from M.M.'s dastardly plots!!!!!!!!!!

I.B. Nosey said...

Roseanne, is Persimmon coming after me too?

Whoo whee, the women love me!!!

lionmother said...

Nosey is really hanging there now. I wonder what that blip could be? Hope MM can recruit someone to help Nosey! Who can that be, I wonder?? I guess we'll just have to tune in next week to find out.:)

I.B. Nosey said...

Mr. Pat Dale, I hear your guffaws of laughter, and I only have one thing to say....

You've been sniffing Petunia's perfume!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christopher Hudson said...

Plot? Nosey don't need no stinkin' plot.

Roseanne Dowell said...

From what I've heard, it's hard to tell what Persimmy will do. Just watch your back, or in your case, your sides and your front.

gail roughton branan said...

Well, I think we need a guest hero from up north! 'Cause I don't have TIME to go up there and herd Nosey!! And Tobe'd probably make me pay my own expenses! (Unless Pierce Brosnan stops in, him I'll go for.) And Chris so RIGHT!Plot?! Nosey don't NEED no stinkin' plot! Now what I do need is somebody to watch Persimmy! She's been quiet too long! Pat Dale, you busy the next coupla weeks? Need some extra eyes here!

P.L. Parker said...

LOL - what can I say

J Q Rose said...

I don't really care if it's a tweedy weedy or a weedy tweedy jacket. Somebody screwed up the scripts and MM has to work overtime getting it straightened out. But really, the jacket's gotta go..New Yorkers have a lot of class, so for his trip to the big city, perhaps a leather jacket for the urban crowd? Oh, it's spring. Perhaps a light jacket made by Columbia or LL Bean? Somehow I believe IB needs a jacket. I do not want to picture him in a Gum Drop Island t-shirt. (but good for promotion maybe, er, no maybe not on IB.)