NOSEY BIO: Loud, brass, and tastelessly attired, I.B. Nosey is famed for his exuberant “Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter!” He seeks answers to the kind of probing questions no accredited journalist would deem intelligent, let alone newsworthy enough, to ask. Fleet of foot, wide of mouth, and fluent of tongue-in-cheek, I.B. Nosey’s unique interviewing style is comparable to none.

Winner of the Pukelitzer Award. Spokesman for Gum Drop Island’s confectionary plantation. Featured in InD’Tale magazine and The Woven Tale Press.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

To Be A White Knight...Or Not!!!

(Cyberbug reporting from top of Gaggy DeBore’s helicopter…Heeellllpppp! She can not pilot! Mayday! Mayday!)

GDB:  It was there!!!  It was right there!!!!  Where did it go?!  Islands don’t just vanish!!  Not even Islands in the Stream!!!!  Certainly not islands out in the middle of the Caramel Vanilla & Pecan Sea! Nobody knows this sea  exists, so who’d come steal an island?!?!

FF: Ohhhh my God! Someone stole an island? I mean, like really? You’re kidding, right?

PK: That is what ye are, islands in the stream… PFTEEOOO! EPEEOFOO FTEEEOP!!!! Fly me to the moon..Let me play among the stars…Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars and Saturn and Plutooooh…Higher and higher, Baby…It’s be a terrible thing to looooohseeee…

GDB:  (Fumbling with radar controls) Where, oh where, is Radar O’Reilly when I need him??  I need a HUMAN radar, not this defective mechanical timebomb!!

(Cyberbug: Yes, even though the wind is screaming in my teensy-weensy ears, I can certainly hear the old bag’s conversation. Did she say that Gum Drop Island location just vanished off the radar screen? And, oopsie, what’s that I see ahead? A rusted, one-bladed helicopter? Who’s piloting? Y. Lee Persimmon! Dear me, will there be a dogfight in the skies?)

FF: Timebomb? Did you say timebomb?  I think I want to get off this thing.

PK:  It Was Like A Time Bomb, Set Into Motion And If I Had To Pull You Out Of The Wreckage You Know I'm Never Gonna Let You Go Dahlahadah Gonna Lose It, Let's Defuse It…Gonna Capture Your Heart Right From the Start At the Very Beginning…

GDB:  Seriously?!?  She is seriously coming after us in that refugee from a GI Joe playset?!?  Let me at her!!

(Cyberbug: Calling Cyberbug 1, where are you? The old bag can’t find Nosey, or MM’s headquarters, and she is not happy! You have to take over, pal. I’m only a part-time substitute and clinging to the windshield of a teeter tottering helicopter was not in my job description!)

GDB:  You wanta play chicken with me, Persimmy?  You wanta play chicken with me?  I’ll show you how to play chicken. Like Big & Rich and Cowboy Troy!  (breaks into a chorus of the Big & Rich hit while aiming straight at Persimmy) “I play chicken with the train play chicken with the train train, uh huh huh uh huh huh….”

FF: (tightens her seat belt) Please, take us back, please. I thought we were looking for Nosey. (Covers her eyes.) NOOOOOOOO!

PK:  I’m leavin’ on the next train, is what I said I wanted to do, not on a jet plane, or on a helicopter.

GDB:  Don’t get technical with me, a chopper’s close enough to a train!!

(Cyberbug: She’s aiming straight for Persimmon! Okay, I’m outta here! *buzzes away and lands flat on YLP’s helicopter*) 

YLP: Look at that idiot. She always was crazy. I’ll show her a thing or two. She wants to play chicken, does she? Ha, she has no idea who she’s dealing with. Obviously, she doesn’t know who I am.

OGW:  Evasive action!!!  Evasive action!!!! Boss, how many hormones did you take today?!?!  This is no place for Air Rage!!!  And what was that splat on the side of the ’copter?

YLP: Relax. I’m the world’s greatest helicopter chicken player. Never lost a battle yet and not about to start now. (Aims straight at GDB)

OGW:  Bogie on the left!!  Bogie on the left!!  AND bogie on the right!!  Bogie on the right!!  Why didn’t I listen to my mother and take PIANO lessons!!!!!

YLP: Oh boy, more fun in the sky. Which one to take out first?

(Cyberbug: What was that part? Did she say…? Yes! I see it too! Another chopper is joining this aerial arena! And what’s that emblazoned on the side? ‘White Knight to the Rescue’. Oh, boy. This I got to see to believe. *zooms over to TAW’s chopper and presses antenna to glass*)

TAW: Of course you can steer this machine, Gail. What do you think I hired you for?

Gail: Let’s not get into that, Tobe.  ‘Cause I warn you, this little charade we’re playin’ is getting’ real old, real fast.  And insofar as the rest of the world knows, you hired me because me sitting at the desk in the office lets you be out of it.  Without anybody knowing the difference.  That’s why.  (Jams hand against control panel while adjusting knobs) Dang!!! Broke another one! That hurts!!  You owe me so many manicures, Tobe!!!

TAW: Will you shut up about your nails? Here. (extracts object from pocket) This is a brand new box of ten-penny nails. Enjoy.

Gail:  Tobe, darlin’, you better re-think that.  ‘Cause you hand me that box of nails, you ain’t gonna like where I put ‘em.  This charade of ours, remember?  The gettin’ old part?

GDB’s voice shouts from radio:  Oh, goody!!  Two for the price of one!!!!  How many torpedos have I got left, girls?  Tobe, you’d best be declaring your intentions!  Who’d you come to save?

YLP interrupts: Save? Tobe? Ha, that’s the joke of the century. He couldn’t save a flea.

TAW: No, I have not arrived to save either one of you! I’m on orders from U.R. Honor, and he’s demanding that all of us show up in his court, pronto!

Gail:  And you so don’t wanta get that man the teensiest bit upset at you!

GDB:  I’m not a lawyer, I don’t give a root beer moo goo whatever the heck it is about what a Judge wants!  I’m the press!!  I’m immune!!!!!

YLP: Darn it, someone always has to spoil my fun. Don’t think we’re done with this Gagga. Not by a long shot. (Aims helicopter at GDB again)

OGW:  Boss, I’m beggin’.  You’re not the press, you’re not immune.  If you won’t think of your own career, consider mine!  And why did I just bother to say that, when I’m talkin’ to a lawyer?  And why are you flyin’ this thing in the first place if you don’t know how to land?!?!?!?!?

TAW: Now listen here---

FF (covers her head): We’re doomed. Doomed I tell you. We’ll never see Nosey again. I feel faint….

PK:  We didn’t start the fire; Pigs didn't start the swine flu..  Miss Piggy, Arnold Ziffle neither has a little sniffle…Porky Pig and Piglet, Putnam, Gordy, Toot and Puddle…Not contagious safe to snuggle… I’m immune…

TAW: (shouts to be heard) Well, you’d better learn how to land fast, because he was frothing at the mouth when I left him, and it wasn’t because he was salivating after a Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipop! Uh oh. (points through windshield) Women, do you see that? U.R. Honor has dispatched his front guard, that steely stenographer of his!

Cyberbug: Another chopper? Talk about reaching dizzying heights! And what’s that stamped on its side? ‘Lion Mother, and Watch Out World Because I’m Roaring Mad’.)

TAW: Miss Barbara, you can report to U.R. Honor that I’m attempting to obey his orders---

Gail:  Exactly, Miss Barbara.  How ‘bout you obey U.R. Honor’s orders and ignore Tobe’s?  Since he’s trying to get us all jailed for contempt of Court?

BE: Look, I was sent here to make sure you get down there to the Court ASAP.

TAW: But--

BE: He Who Must Be Obeyed wants you all facing him when he gets back to Court in fifteen minutes. He said in his words: “If those (expletive) cohorts of Nosey don’t get their (expletive) butts in front of me I will slap an injunction on this whole island and maybe throw their precious Nosey into jail.

YLP: Garsh dern it. Now we have to go back.

GDB:  What part of “I’m the press, I have immunity” aren’t you people getting here?!?!

OGW:  What part of we’re not immune and we’re not going down alone aren’t you gettin’, lady??

TAW: Women, don’t antagonize her! U.R. Honor sent her prepared!

BE:  You bet I’m prepared. You have one minute to turn this thing around and head over there or I’ll slap on these cuffs I brought. ( grabs the plastic handcuffs she has in her enormous handbag).

FF: Immune, schmune. Can you land this thing or not? And where’s Nosey? I want Nosey.

PK:  You should be so lucky.

TAW: (speaking to FF and PK) Who are you two females and where did you come from? Can’t you see that M.M.’s protected Nosey somehow? Be concerned with what’s happening now!!! Gail, don’t fly this contraption upside down!!!

Gail (flipping chopper deep to left side):  Tobe, what part of “this little charade of ours is gettin’ real old”, don’t you get?  I. Don’t. Take. My. Orders. From. You.  And you know it.  You just like to forget it.

BE: Okay, you have thirty seconds now and I have my bbgun/taser ready if you don’t do it! I brought Carolyn if you guys didn’t do what I said.  (Fumbles inside her bag and out comes Carolyn Samuels, the main character of her YA novel, If I Could Be Like Jennifer Taylor. BE gives her the handcuffs.)

YLP: Charade? What charade? Gail, do you and Tobe have a thing going?

GDB:  I am the press!!!!  I don’t HAVE to do what U.R. Honor says!!!!!!!

BE: Sorry, guys I have no choice. (takes out her bbgun/taser and starts shooting above their heads.) I should have brought Jennifer. At least with her gymnastic ability she might have gotten us down there.

TAW: (gasps) She’s had enough! Watch out, everyone! She’s deploying her weapons array and firing out jellybean bullets! (stares at gooey mess dripping down windshield) Correction. That’s rotten eggs.

BE: I’m about to start shooting these at each of you and then cuffing you and take charge myself!! This is it!!! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...............................

TAW: Gail, don’t stall this machine! Hurry, do something!

(Cyberbug: Mayday, mayday, cyberbug 1, come in, come in!! I’m going down with the chopper!!!! Oooovvvveeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

To Be Continued…

Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!


Thanks to Barbara Ehrentreu for guesting with I.B. Nosey! If you'd like your moment of fame in the Maniacal Madness world of that 'official unofficial' reporter, sign up! Instructions are listed on the left hand side of this blog. 


gail roughton branan said...

Why Barbara! You go, girl! Show us your assertive side! Why do I have the feeling Tobe's in trouble....

Pat Dale said...

Dizzying heights, I guess! Thought we'd have a chopper whopper popper for a minute there. Good old BE to the rescue in the nick of time. Of course, having her on your tail isn't quite being rescued, is it?

Roseanne Dowell said...

Way to go, Barbara! You even had me scared.

Gail Pallotta said...

Love the BBGun/Tazer and rotten eggs. Great defense!

Christopher Hudson said...

And I thought Uncle Billy was a lunatic!

lionmother said...

Thank you for inviting me! Actually they dragged me out of my house and said to be ready for a long trip! Seriously, I never travel anywhere without my BBGun/Taser and at least one character from my book, If I Could Be Like Jennifer Taylor. They always come in handy!

Thank you. Gail! This was so much fun!

Pat, now everyone knows they shouldn't mess with me.:)

Roseanne, behind that sweet face lies a p--ed off Jewish mother. You don't mess with that part of me.:)

Gail P., I knew I needed something out of the ordinary for this crew!!

Christopher, you know it's always the quiet ones for whom you have to look out!!!

Seriously, I had a blast here. Will pop back in later!

I.B. Nosey said...

Look what kind of madness happens when I'm not around to keep everyone sane! (At least MM is keeping my whereabouts secret...sssh...)

J Q Rose said...

Hey, BE isn't called lionmother for nothin'! You go, Grrrrrrrrll. Now can someone hand me a Dramamine? Watching those dizzying helicopters gave me motion sickness. Or maybe I need a Tums from eating that Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipop. Woe is me.

Laurean Brooks said...

Just thinking about where those nails might end up left me uncomfortable. Ouch!

Hang in there, Barbara. Aim for your target and fire! Bring'em down, gal!

Hilarious saga! Keep 'em comin'.

lionmother said...

JQ you aren't supposed to eat those unless you are on the island! Feel better!

gail roughton branan said...

Oh my! And I had to miss this crew today! Chris, I'm assumin' the lunatic reference was to all of us? 'Cause if not, I'm gonna be insulted. I work hard for that lunatic image!

katekindle said...

I take offense! GaGa DaBore IS NOT an old bag. Shows you where I stand and what I probably look like! So there! As for Miss Mae, you are channeling Robin Williams today.....and I'm a big fan. Good morning, Vietnam! Strictly stream of consciousness stuff and quite mad, thank you. Enjoyed.

Miss Mae said...

Ah, Kate, so glad you enjoyed the trials and tribulations of our roaming cyberspace reporter! :)

Joylene said...

Do you suppose Nosey could steal an island for me? I'd bake him cookies.

Hi Barb. Hi Lunatic Gail!