Pat Hatt Shares A Catty Interview with I.B. Nosey!

NOSEY: Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter and today I’m coming to you from…er, um…*stares at dark and creepy looking building before him* Whoa. This isn’t my Nosey kind of interviewing place, so I think I’ll just—

Pat Hatt lives here????

DOOR, SQUEAKING AND SQUEALING, OPENS: I’m Pat Hatt’s cat. What’s ya think of that?

Pat Hatt's cat - friendly looking feline.....

NOSEY: Ack! *jumps* Say what?

CAT: I.B. Nosey, huh? Yeah, ya looks the dud. *strolls away*

NOSEY: Now wait just one minute—

PAT HATT: *calls* Is that you, Nosey? What’s you doing standing there gulping like a big-mouthed bass? Get on in here.

NOSEY: Well…*peeks around edge of door* Where’d that rhyming cat go?

PAT HATT: He went to where a rhyming cat always goes. *beckons towards scratching post* C’mon. Let’s get this interview moving, man.

NOSEY: *tiptoes inside and then comes to screeching stop* Holy reading room! What is all this?

PAT HATT: *grins and gestures around room, indicating wall niches filled with dark and creepy looking figures* My library, of course.

NOSEY: Libraries don’t have statues in ‘em!

PAT HATT: Mine does. These represent the characters written inside the pages of my 118 published books.

NOSEY: *slaps hand to side of cheek* Dude, I can’t interview you about 118 books!

PAT HATT: Don’t worry. Pat Hatt’s cat will decide.

NOSEY: It’ll— huh?

PAT HATT: *points* Watch. He knows which one he wants to choose.

Cat clicks on computer screen. One large wall -as wide as a football field, no less- displays visuals of Pat Hatt’s 118 books. Er, well…Maybe not quite as wide as a football field. On second thought, maybe not as wide as a basketball court. On third thought ‒ maybe as wide as a TV screen?

CAT: ‘A Not So Perfect World’. If only Nosey could.

NOSEY: If only I could what?

CAT: *grins wickedly, shows mouthful of sharp teeth*

NOSEY: Yeah… *tugs at shirt collar* Heh heh.

PAT HATT: All right. The cat has chosen. *picks up remote and clicks toward visual book* See the blurb there, Nosey? Wanna read it to your adoring audience?

NOSEY: Er… *keeps suspicious eye on cat* I’m kinda busy right now.

PAT HATT: Okay, then I’ll do the honor. ‘A Not So Perfect World’: After Chutar, and finally figuring out where and when they were, Jack and Emily hoped their troubles were over. But little did they know Chutar was just the beginning. With Mason by their side, the three continue to struggle to find their way back home.

With everything from dragons and Critlen to booby traps and armies standing in their way, the three remain determined to make it. Until they come up against what they thought to be impossible, gods of myth.

Now with hope dwindling thanks to a few choice gods, a prophecy involving aliens, and an over involved Prophet, the newly dubbed Death Defying Three will have to do just that, if they ever hope to make it home.

NOSEY: *frowns and shakes head* That is one confusing blurb, fella.

Cat nibbles on one claw and twitches tail.

PAT HATT: *murmurs* Shouldn’t tell the cat that the blurb is confusing, Nosey. Remember, he chose this book.

NOSEY: Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Er, so okay. *takes deep breath* First question ‒ What, um, who/what is Chutar?

PAT HATT: *chuckles* Glad you asked. Chutar is the next best tasting gum. It has infinite chew and tastes like tar.

NOSEY: But—

PAT HATT: Buy a ten pack and you get a free feather.

NOSEY: But—

PAT HATT: Did I mention it has infinite chew? Swallowing isn’t advised. It hasn’t been tested that far down. Or it could be—

NOSEY: All right, all right! *rolls eyes* Dunno if I really want to ask about Mason.

PAT HATT: Aw, c’mon. Sure you do. He’s a Gopter.

NOSEY: *mouth drops open* A what? A gopher?

PAT HATT: *laughs* Gopter, Nosey, Gopter. One that they picked up along the way. Gopter would be, oh ‒ Doctor in our Time Fraction. He likes to go by Doc, though. They pretty much destroyed his time fraction, even leaving the bomb there that eventually blew it up, so they took pity on him and let him come.

NOSEY: Is that right?

PAT HATT: Hey, I’m the author and… *waves toward cat* he’s the editor. Gonna argue with him?

CAT: *spits out old nail and, ah ‒ whadda ya know, a newly sparkly one shines in its place*

NOSEY: Heh heh. *takes wary step back* No way, fella. So… *edges toward doorway* how come those kiddies gotta get home? Where is their home anyway?

PAT HATT: Kiddies? Do twenty-something year olds count as kiddies? *ponders for a moment* Well. In any case, they have to get home because places with dragons, dinosaurs, critlen, the germy middle ages, and such just won’t allow them to relax and enjoy themselves.

NOSEY: Oh, sure. Everybody knows that. But where is home, dude? Home? You know, h - o - m, home?

PAT HATT: H, o, …? Oh, wait. Yes. I see. Home for them is Earth’s time fraction.

NOSEY: Time fraction? *taps impatient foot* Like, a half cup of milk and half cup of‒?

PAT HATT: Not exactly. *hesitates* Want me to explain what a time fraction is?

NOSEY: No. No. I know what a time fraction is. ‘Course I do. Who do ya think you’re talking to? I’m a professional, you know. I know how to do my job. *backs into wall, starts, and screams. Falls to floor.*

PAT HATT: *clicks tongue* Ooh, careful. Did you see any ‘dark and creepy looking’ life forms down there?

NOSEY: Hey. *leaps to feet and brushes down blazer* I ask the questions. Get it?

PAT HATT: *smirks* Hm mm.

NOSEY: Good. So…ahem. Those, uh, Critlen you mentioned. They related to this weird cat?

PAT HATT: *glances around* What weird cat?

NOSEY: *sneers* Fun-nee.

PAT HATT: Anyhoo, about the Critlen – They’re the failed creation of Drazin, aka Hades, and the name was given to them by Jack and it kinda stuck.

NOSEY: You don’t say.

PAT HATT: As a matter of fact, I do say. See, Jack thought them the demented love child of a Critter and a Gremlin—

NOSEY: Uh huh.

PAT HATT: Uh huh is right, ‘cause he went to the dark side and crammed the names together like those crazy TV show shippers. Ah well. I guess we all have our off moments.

NOSEY: *stares*

PAT HATT: *gives innocent blink* Anything else you’d like to know?

NOSEY: I dunno. *places hand on hip and looks around* Just a kinda crazy place you have here, fella. What are those in that corner? *waves at statues* Some of the impossible ‘gods of myth’ you mentioned?

PAT HATT: *purses lips* Let’s just say they’re Zeus, Drazin, Hera, and a bunch of others who are quite fine staying on Olympus’ Time Fraction.

NOSEY: *mutters* Now wonder why I didn’t know that?

PAT HATT: But, honestly, Nosey, not those three. Drazin and Hera just want to take over Earth’s time fraction, Zeus wants to go—

NOSEY: Time fraction. Time fraction! *slaps forehead* Sheesh, is nothing else going on except for these guys splitting up time, like… *shrugs* every fifteen minutes or so?

PAT HATT: *gives mock cough* That’s not exactly how a time fraction works.

NOSEY: *checks watch* That’s how my time works, pal. So…how about that prophecy you said involves aliens? *snarls at cat* Bet he’s an alien.

Cat snarls back, and narrows eyes.

PAT HATT: It depends on one’s definition of an alien, you know. *winks at cat* After all, what’s alien to one may not be alien to another. Does a human think a human is an alien? Could the dragons be aliens? Could the prophecy be baloney? Could Prophet Rahe not be able to see past her rather large figure? *raises arms and shouts to unseen audience* Answer me, Nosey cybernuts! Could Zeus be Sants Claus? Or maybe there are no aliens at all. Or maybe everyone is an alien. Did you think of that?

NOSEY: *peers around* Who you talking to, dude?

PAT HATT: *finishes with…* Aren’t aliens confusing? No wonder they blow off steam and tip cows over.

NOSEY: Boy… *gives nervous laugh* I got me a live wire today.

PAT HATT: *walks over to stand next to statue* Nosey, one thing you’ve not asked.

NOSEY: Stop right there. I’ve asked everything I wanna know, man. *sidles to stage right ‒which, if you don’t know, reading cybernuts‒ leads to door marked ‘Out’ *

PAT HATT: Oh, one more, Nosey! You’re the official unofficial Pukelitzer award winning journalist, aren’t you?

I.B. Nosey is the one and only winner of this highly coveted award

NOSEY: Uhhh…

PAT HATT: And you’re a professional and know how to do your job, right?

NOSEY: Uhhh…

PAT HATT: So what you need to ask is about the Death Defying Three.

NOSEY: Uhhh…

PAT HATT: *snaps fingers* How’s about I tell you anyway?

NOSEY: Nothing doing. Nobody tells me—

PAT HATT: As I was saying ‒ The people of Prophet Rahe’s time fraction were so enamored by Jack, Emily, and Mason’s tales when told them by Prophet Rahe—

NOSEY: But—

PAT HATT: …who still may or may not be a prophet, that they gave them that moniker. They even made a song up about them. One that made the trio cringe.

NOSEY: But—

PAT HATT: They have to survive Drazin getting in the way, Hera trying to have her way with Jack, collars that control all, dragons, sea monsters, a giant flying saucer thingy, Zeus’s cryptic messages (as he doesn’t like to give spoilers)—

NOSEY: But—

PAT HATT: …and fix the time fraction machine so they can hop to the next one and get home. Oh, and there may be another explosion or three that they have to avoid.

NOSEY: *gasps* There’s an explosion right now! *points* That spacey space alien you’re standing beside ‒ it’s moving!

That spacey space alien Gopter is moving all right - at the speed of Gopter flight (see, even a Gopter can rhyme when he has the time)

PAT HATT: *glances up* Curious. Something must be really bothering him to come to life like this.

WEIRD SPACEY ALIEN/GOPTER: *growls* Don’t like the looks of a tweedy-weedy blazer. Disrupts the time fraction.

PAT HATT’S CAT SPITS AND SNARLS: De - stroy. Oh, boy.

NOSEY: Hey, nobody touches these one-of-a-kind threads. Back, back… *waves atomic microphone* Zap, zap, and begone!

GOPTER STEPS FORWARD: You heard the cat.

NOSEY: You spacey aliens got no fashion sense. My blazer is perfect. Perfect, I tell ya!

GOPTER: *warns* You’re in our time fraction now, nosy reporter.

NOSEY: *looks at Pat* What’s that mean?

PAT HATT: It means…*grins*…tweedy-weedy blazers don’t belong in ‘A Not So Perfect World’. 

RHYMING CAT: Nosey should've moseyed but heavy pocketful of posies make him not so cozy. Meowwww. *gives spacey alien, and a not so perfect, purrrrrrrr* 

NOSEY: B-b-but...Aw, forget it! *breaks through 'exit' door, feet doing their stuff as he streaks down sidewalk. Cat and Gopter follow in hot pursuit*

PAT HATT: *calls* Nosey, run faster! I sharpened the cat's claws this morning and...

NOSEY:  Scat, cat! *voice fades in distance* I'm not a scratching post! Aiiiii!

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Available at Amazon

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Pat Hatt is a writer who more often than he likes poses as an accountant,
car salesmen, mailman, or one of 21 other jobs he’s had to pay the bills.
With over 100 published written works, he continues to strive to create in
any genre that strikes him. He enjoys learning more about the craft of
writing and learning in general. He is owned by two cats, one of which has
his own rhyming blog, and he resides in Nova Scotia. When not writing,
working, or being used as a scratching post, he can be found at the gym,
playing volleyball, or enjoying a good movie, show, or book.

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