Holy Cyberspace Dribble!

(Buzz, buzz, grunt…and lands!)

CyberBug 1 blinks 12 pairs of eyes at CB 2.

CB 1: Hey, watsamatta u? (peels buggy hands - only 6 of ‘em this time - (ha ha, readers, bet ya really enjoy learning all these intimate details, eh?) away from his companion’s face.

CB 2: (wails) I can’t watch! We left last episode at a cliffhanger and I’m scared to know where all those mindless morons are rushing to!

CB 1 stares down at the stampeding mob of Tobe A. WiteNite, Gail, O.G. Whattapayne, Y. Lee Persimmon, Gagga DeBore, Petunia the Skunk, Inves T. Gator, Peachy Keen and Felicity Funk and, and…whoaaaa, doggies!!!

TAW: Holy Cyberspace Dribble!! (flails arms as he teeters at edge of a high cliff) Back, everyone! Don’t push!! This is a literal cliffhanger and I’m not liking it at all!

Gail: (Arm raises, half-way towards TAW’s back, ready to shove.  Hesitates and pulls arm back.)  I’m sworn to protect the innocent and the stupid.  I just can’t do it.  I swore an oath.

GDB: Woman!  Oath-smoath!  You’ll never get an opportunity like that again! And how the heck did we get HERE, anyway?  We were in the middle of town!

TAW: Does it really matter if the last episode left us in the middle of a city with skyscrapers? We are now facing a RIVER FULL OF SWIMMING CROCODILES!

Inves T. Gator: Not me, dude. Don’t care if my last name is Gator. I’m not kin to them babies down there eyeballing us like a plate of Gum Drop Island Cocoa Fluffies. (flips cellphone, dials number) Send the Later-Gater Getaway Tater. I’m outta here! (turns tail and scurries away in a cloud of dust)

YLP: Hey, wait for me. (Grabs onto Gator and pulls herself free.) Phew, that was close.

OGW: A partnership isn’t worth this!  What am I still doing here?  What?  Why, oh why?!? Didn’t I take that offer from Ambulance Chasers-R-Us?!?!

TAW: What a pain your useless chatter is, woman! If you have no bright ideas to help us cross this moat with those teeth-snapping reptiles down there, will you kindly just SHUT UP!!

Maniacal laughter is heard from across the water. Sneak M. Hijinx stands atop a boulder, cape billowing in the breeze.

SMH: So, you gullible goonies! Come to the end of it all, have you?

TAW: Deliver Nosey to us! That rascal hasn’t paid his bill!

Gail: Speaking of which, your malpractice insurance got cancelled last week for non-payment of premium.  You might wanta look into that!

YLP: Why don’t you all just shut up? What a bunch of jabberwalkers. Lord, I swear, you’d help out a lot more if you’d be quiet.

Petunia:  Quiet? Quiet you say? How can I be quiet when my heart is fit to bust with emotion and passion and excitement and feeling and sentiment and… oh, quiet, that’s the last thing I wanna be.  That’s the last thing I can be… 

GDB:  Will all you of stop babbling and FOLLOW THAT CROCODILE!!

SMH: If you all desire that ‘official unofficial’ reporter, then come get him!

FF: Where’s Nosey? HUH? Where is he? What have you done with him?

PK:  Who? Me?  Done what with whom? Nosey? Who? Me? I would sacrifice my life for him rather than harm one hair on his head.  Manner of speaking.

TAW: (snaps fingers) Yes, why not? Young ladies, sacrifice yourselves. Jump into that water!

Gail: Tobe, that’s really bad legal advice, and I just told you they cancelled your  malpractice insurance!

TAW: What’s the problem? It works in all those late-night B-rated movies.

CB 1: (points) Looky that! The Old Bag has gathered up her skirts and has plunged into the water! She’s leaping off the back of one croc over to the other!

YLP: Who you calling an old bag?

OGW: (Whips out her cell phone) Ambulance Chasers-R-Us?  Do you still have that opening for a young, eager ambulance chaser?

TAW: (gulps) They’re actually making it! Well, never let it said that the White Knight doesn’t do his job. Gail, carry me across.

Gail: Does the phrase “When donkeys fly” hold any meaning for you? That just ain’t in my employment contract!

TAW: How hard can it be? And what do you think I pay you for?

FF: Nosey, where are you Nosey?

PK:  Honey bubble sweetie pie sugar-coated almonds with chocolate sprinkleys stuckie on toppie… where are you?

Petunia: Oh listen to her. I will leap and dance and jump and spring and hop…

SMH: (eyes glint devilishly) Come along, my merry mischief-makers! There are more hijinx awaiting you on this side of the river!

CB 1: Uh oh, oh no! Petunia is trying to leap on those broad backs, but her scent! The crocs are turning belly up! Can she make it? And Gail – Tobe’s pushed her into the river to use as a life preserver!  She’s sinking with poor old Tobe clutching her eyebrows for dear life!

CB 2: We have to help! (zooms down to the river)

Does it end like this???? What might be next for the mob of mindless morons? What do you think? Stay tuned, readers!

To be Continued

Same Nosey time, same Nosey blog!

(look for us on October 17, heh heh)

Season 2: And We're Back!

And We're Back!

**BUZZ, BUZZ, SPLAT, GASP**

CyberBug 2: Wake up, buggie! (slaps CyberBug 1) What are you doing sleeping on the job?

CyberBug 1: (blinks) Huh? Well, it was a long hot summer…

CyberBug 2: Summer, bummer! Just report the news! Where’s Nosey now?

CyberBug 1: (yawns) Who’s Nosey?

CyberBug 2: (groans) Has your pea brain hardened to a mere lump of rock candy? Whaddya mean ‘who’s Nosey’? Don’t ya remember what we’re doing here? I.B. Nosey is the official unofficial reporter of cyberspace! He’s the man, dude! Except now he’s being sued—

CyberBug 1: Yeah. Sounds familiar. It was some crazy female who sued him, right?

CyberBug 2: Jeez, Firefly, you wasted the whole summer allowing your antenna to rust up? Not just some crazy female. It was Petunia the Skunk. Don’t you recall how she strolled into his backyard after he tossed out a box of chocolates - not the authentic, genuine Gum Drop Island’s brand, mind you - and she lost her scent? She became deskuned and now she smells like a 16 ounce bottle of cheap drugstore perfume.

CyberBug 1: (snaps fingers) That’s right. She hired a law firm too!

CyberBug 2: Yup. A Ms. O.G. Whattapayne of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay. They are out to make Nosey pay big time.

CyberBug 1: They won’t win, will they?

CyberBug 2: Not if attorney Tobe A. WiteNite of SuckItUp & PayMeNow is able to defend him. And his rival journalist, Gagga DeBore of The Old Bag is all set to see Nosey’s demise. But first they have to get Nosey to court.

CyberBug 1: We can’t let that happen!

CyberBug 2: Well, that’s why we’re here! (spreads bug arms - all 6 of them - to encompass them both) We have to stay on top of the situation. And the situation now is that the whole bleeping gang of them (counts on 24 fingers and toes)…Whattapayne, Y.Lee Persimmon, WiteNite, Petunia, Inves T. Gator, Felicity Funk, Peachy Keen and Gail Branan are all after this Pukelitzer Award winning reporter. And you GO TO SLEEP during all this drama?

CyberBug 1: (looks sheepish) Like I said, it was a long hot summer and me little bug eyes grew heavy—

CyberBug 2: Sssh! (slaps four feet over partner’s mouth) Wait! Who is that in the approaching sleek, mean, bullet-proof limousine? (perks up) Whaddaya know? That rhymes!

Limousine drives up. Caped person leaps out, snatches Nosey from the spot where he’s flipping through hundreds of pages of script, tosses a yelling, screaming Nosey into vehicle, slams door and watches as limo streaks off.

CyberBug 2: Who is that caped character? Time to get to work! (zooms down to street lamp and stretches out listening apparatus - that’s ‘antenna’ for all you techie folk)

SMH: (whirls to address gathered crowd) Halt, all of you!

GDB:  You’re telling ME to halt?  And who do you think you are?  NOBODY tells me to halt!  I’m the press! The voice of the people! Just who do you think you are?

SMH: You ask who I am, Old Bag? (twirls tip of moustache around one gloved index finger) The name’s Sneak M. Hijinx. I am the ‘Defender of I.B. Nosey’. If anyone wants him, they now have to go through me. But be warned—with my bag of hijinks, that is an impossible task.

TAW: (stares at Hijinx) Who is this fellow? Gail, do we have a file on him?

Gail:  No, WE don’t have a file on him.  I – as in me, myself, and I – have a file on him.  And if you think I’m sharing that intel with everybody standing around in this crowd, you need to go play at one of your vacation homes.  Jeeeezzzzzzzz, Tobe, do you ever stop and think anymore?!

YLP: He’s kinda cute. Reminds me of my first love in college. Sigh….

TAW: Really, Persimmy. He looks nothing like your old beau in college. Remember, it was I who was your beau then!

SMH: (throws back head to release maniacal laughter) You all think these mere ‘toys’ can trap Nosey? (reaches inside cape and withdraws stainless steel Fudgsey-Wudgsey Spitball Slammer. Sneak M. fires off a volley of shots, completely covering all the ‘Rambo’ choppers with gallons of ooey, gooey, shooey, pooey hot fudge sauce) I am Nosey’s PR man. I now have him in a safe place. Whatever you wish to ask him you now ask me.

GDB:  Oh, my, how perfectly apropros!  A purely revolting PR man!! As though that little weasel isn’t revolting enough.

SMH: No, Miss DeBore. PR does not mean ‘Purely Revolting’. Here. Someone needs to shut your trap. (reaches inside confines of cape and extracts bathroom plunger. With precise aim, he shoots it at GDB and it smacks her straight on her forehead. Persimmon falls to the ground, laughing hysterically).

YLP: What a shot!  (Stands up and looks around). That was so perfect! I loved it.

OGW:  Boss!  Boss!!  Stop rolling on the ground!!!  You’re showing your – your – your unmentionables!!!

GDB:  (Reaches up and removes plunger.  Without turning a hair, she throws it straight back at SMH, right over his mouth.)  Boy, is that all you’ve got?  And you Persimmy!  Those unmentionables are unmentionable, all right!  White cotton?! Girl, we don’t like each other but that’s a crisis I CANNOT ignore!  I’m taking you to the Mall and visiting a lady named Victoria.  You SO need an introduction!

Inves T. Gator: (whistles) Gotta check this dude out! Where did he come from? (starts at seeing Gail’s glare) Okay, okay. I won’t charge anyone. The sleuthing will be at my own expense.

SMH: (flicks off said plunger as easily as a lit cigarette - watsamatta with that plunger? Can’t it even stick????) Fans of Nosey! (points at Felicity Funk and Peachy Keen) Assert your loyalty! Don’t you each desire an autographed photo of your heartthrob? Hm?

FF: The heck I don’t want one. No way, Jose. I want a photo taken with him, near him, close to him, beside him…

PK: Oh cut it out you twit. You know it’s me whom he fancies, me who makes his ears blush and his wires crossed. I want a whole photo-shoot with him. I do, I do.

SMH: Then do what I say! Come over to my side and—  (has spasm of coughing and grabs edge of cape to cover nose) Petunia the skunk! Lower thy tail, you witless nincompoop!

Petunia: Pfft. Never was I a skink, with my tail between my legs. I am a skunk, a funky, spunky skunk.  Ne’er has it been said of me that thereby hangs a tail.

TAW: I think this man is mad! Gail, tackle him.

Gail:  Excuse me???  TACKLE him?!?  You checked what you pay me lately, Tobe?  The only person I’d tackle for that salary is YOU!!  (Gives patented Gail glare.)

SMH: (maniacal laughter echoes) What a madcap mix of mindless morons! You think I’ll disclose Nosey’s whereabouts? You think you can capture me? Well, all I say is -- enjoy the ride!

CyberBug 2: What’s that music? It sounds like it’s from the Indiana Jones movies! Hey, this guy even has a whip like him! And he’s— (gulp) he’s flicking it toward the eave of a skyscraper! He’s swinging away by leaps and bounds!

TAW: (raises arm and shouts at top of his voice) He has Nosey! We can’t let him get away! Charge, you mindless morons—

YLP: Who are you calling a moron, you moron? The nerve of some people. Always telling everyone what to do. Why don’t you tackle him? Why don’t you charge?

GDB:  Tobe. If you want ME to charge something, give me a credit card.  Anyway, you’re the CHARGE expert!  You look at the fees you charge lately?

TAW: Don’t forget, I’m the white knight here, ladies. No need to be nasty because I had a mere slip of the tongue.

Petunia: Many a slip ’tween cup and lisp, you ungrammatical nincompoop.

Inves T. Gator: I’m with you, Skunkie. You lead the way and don’t worry about us getting lost. (crinkles nose in distaste) Like a pack of bloodhounds, we’ll pick up your scent.

CyberBug 2: And away the whole mass of mindless morons move — er, I mean the whole gang is scampering to follow Sneak M. Hijinx. Except that—oh my! Oh dear! He’s headed for the edge of a cliff! Will they— ? Eeek! (covers all his eyes with his pair of wings) I can’t watch!!!

To Be Continued

Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Blog

(look for us on Sept. 26, heh heh)

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To Be A White Knight...Or Not!!!

(Cyberbug reporting from top of Gaggy DeBore’s helicopter…Heeellllpppp! She can not pilot! Mayday! Mayday!)

GDB:  It was there!!!  It was right there!!!!  Where did it go?!  Islands don’t just vanish!!  Not even Islands in the Stream!!!!  Certainly not islands out in the middle of the Caramel Vanilla & Pecan Sea! Nobody knows this sea  exists, so who’d come steal an island?!?!

FF: Ohhhh my God! Someone stole an island? I mean, like really? You’re kidding, right?

PK: That is what ye are, islands in the stream… PFTEEOOO! EPEEOFOO FTEEEOP!!!! Fly me to the moon..Let me play among the stars…Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars and Saturn and Plutooooh…Higher and higher, Baby…It’s be a terrible thing to looooohseeee…

GDB:  (Fumbling with radar controls) Where, oh where, is Radar O’Reilly when I need him??  I need a HUMAN radar, not this defective mechanical timebomb!!

(Cyberbug: Yes, even though the wind is screaming in my teensy-weensy ears, I can certainly hear the old bag’s conversation. Did she say that Gum Drop Island location just vanished off the radar screen? And, oopsie, what’s that I see ahead? A rusted, one-bladed helicopter? Who’s piloting? Y. Lee Persimmon! Dear me, will there be a dogfight in the skies?)

FF: Timebomb? Did you say timebomb?  I think I want to get off this thing.

PK:  It Was Like A Time Bomb, Set Into Motion And If I Had To Pull You Out Of The Wreckage You Know I'm Never Gonna Let You Go Dahlahadah Gonna Lose It, Let's Defuse It…Gonna Capture Your Heart Right From the Start At the Very Beginning…

GDB:  Seriously?!?  She is seriously coming after us in that refugee from a GI Joe playset?!?  Let me at her!!

(Cyberbug: Calling Cyberbug 1, where are you? The old bag can’t find Nosey, or MM’s headquarters, and she is not happy! You have to take over, pal. I’m only a part-time substitute and clinging to the windshield of a teeter tottering helicopter was not in my job description!)

GDB:  You wanta play chicken with me, Persimmy?  You wanta play chicken with me?  I’ll show you how to play chicken. Like Big & Rich and Cowboy Troy!  (breaks into a chorus of the Big & Rich hit while aiming straight at Persimmy) “I play chicken with the train play chicken with the train train, uh huh huh uh huh huh….”

FF: (tightens her seat belt) Please, take us back, please. I thought we were looking for Nosey. (Covers her eyes.) NOOOOOOOO!

PK:  I’m leavin’ on the next train, is what I said I wanted to do, not on a jet plane, or on a helicopter.

GDB:  Don’t get technical with me, a chopper’s close enough to a train!!

(Cyberbug: She’s aiming straight for Persimmon! Okay, I’m outta here! *buzzes away and lands flat on YLP’s helicopter*) 

YLP: Look at that idiot. She always was crazy. I’ll show her a thing or two. She wants to play chicken, does she? Ha, she has no idea who she’s dealing with. Obviously, she doesn’t know who I am.

OGW:  Evasive action!!!  Evasive action!!!! Boss, how many hormones did you take today?!?!  This is no place for Air Rage!!!  And what was that splat on the side of the ’copter?

YLP: Relax. I’m the world’s greatest helicopter chicken player. Never lost a battle yet and not about to start now. (Aims straight at GDB)

OGW:  Bogie on the left!!  Bogie on the left!!  AND bogie on the right!!  Bogie on the right!!  Why didn’t I listen to my mother and take PIANO lessons!!!!!

YLP: Oh boy, more fun in the sky. Which one to take out first?

(Cyberbug: What was that part? Did she say…? Yes! I see it too! Another chopper is joining this aerial arena! And what’s that emblazoned on the side? ‘White Knight to the Rescue’. Oh, boy. This I got to see to believe. *zooms over to TAW’s chopper and presses antenna to glass*)

TAW: Of course you can steer this machine, Gail. What do you think I hired you for?

Gail: Let’s not get into that, Tobe.  ‘Cause I warn you, this little charade we’re playin’ is getting’ real old, real fast.  And insofar as the rest of the world knows, you hired me because me sitting at the desk in the office lets you be out of it.  Without anybody knowing the difference.  That’s why.  (Jams hand against control panel while adjusting knobs) Dang!!! Broke another one! That hurts!!  You owe me so many manicures, Tobe!!!

TAW: Will you shut up about your nails? Here. (extracts object from pocket) This is a brand new box of ten-penny nails. Enjoy.

Gail:  Tobe, darlin’, you better re-think that.  ‘Cause you hand me that box of nails, you ain’t gonna like where I put ‘em.  This charade of ours, remember?  The gettin’ old part?

GDB’s voice shouts from radio:  Oh, goody!!  Two for the price of one!!!!  How many torpedos have I got left, girls?  Tobe, you’d best be declaring your intentions!  Who’d you come to save?

YLP interrupts: Save? Tobe? Ha, that’s the joke of the century. He couldn’t save a flea.

TAW: No, I have not arrived to save either one of you! I’m on orders from U.R. Honor, and he’s demanding that all of us show up in his court, pronto!

Gail:  And you so don’t wanta get that man the teensiest bit upset at you!

GDB:  I’m not a lawyer, I don’t give a root beer moo goo whatever the heck it is about what a Judge wants!  I’m the press!!  I’m immune!!!!!

YLP: Darn it, someone always has to spoil my fun. Don’t think we’re done with this Gagga. Not by a long shot. (Aims helicopter at GDB again)

OGW:  Boss, I’m beggin’.  You’re not the press, you’re not immune.  If you won’t think of your own career, consider mine!  And why did I just bother to say that, when I’m talkin’ to a lawyer?  And why are you flyin’ this thing in the first place if you don’t know how to land?!?!?!?!?

TAW: Now listen here---

FF (covers her head): We’re doomed. Doomed I tell you. We’ll never see Nosey again. I feel faint….

PK:  We didn’t start the fire; Pigs didn't start the swine flu..  Miss Piggy, Arnold Ziffle neither has a little sniffle…Porky Pig and Piglet, Putnam, Gordy, Toot and Puddle…Not contagious safe to snuggle… I’m immune…

TAW: (shouts to be heard) Well, you’d better learn how to land fast, because he was frothing at the mouth when I left him, and it wasn’t because he was salivating after a Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipop! Uh oh. (points through windshield) Women, do you see that? U.R. Honor has dispatched his front guard, that steely stenographer of his!

Cyberbug: Another chopper? Talk about reaching dizzying heights! And what’s that stamped on its side? ‘Lion Mother, and Watch Out World Because I’m Roaring Mad’.)

TAW: Miss Barbara, you can report to U.R. Honor that I’m attempting to obey his orders---

Gail:  Exactly, Miss Barbara.  How ‘bout you obey U.R. Honor’s orders and ignore Tobe’s?  Since he’s trying to get us all jailed for contempt of Court?

BE: Look, I was sent here to make sure you get down there to the Court ASAP.

TAW: But--

BE: He Who Must Be Obeyed wants you all facing him when he gets back to Court in fifteen minutes. He said in his words: “If those (expletive) cohorts of Nosey don’t get their (expletive) butts in front of me I will slap an injunction on this whole island and maybe throw their precious Nosey into jail.

YLP: Garsh dern it. Now we have to go back.

GDB:  What part of “I’m the press, I have immunity” aren’t you people getting here?!?!

OGW:  What part of we’re not immune and we’re not going down alone aren’t you gettin’, lady??

TAW: Women, don’t antagonize her! U.R. Honor sent her prepared!

BE:  You bet I’m prepared. You have one minute to turn this thing around and head over there or I’ll slap on these cuffs I brought. ( grabs the plastic handcuffs she has in her enormous handbag).

FF: Immune, schmune. Can you land this thing or not? And where’s Nosey? I want Nosey.

PK:  You should be so lucky.

TAW: (speaking to FF and PK) Who are you two females and where did you come from? Can’t you see that M.M.’s protected Nosey somehow? Be concerned with what’s happening now!!! Gail, don’t fly this contraption upside down!!!

Gail (flipping chopper deep to left side):  Tobe, what part of “this little charade of ours is gettin’ real old”, don’t you get?  I. Don’t. Take. My. Orders. From. You.  And you know it.  You just like to forget it.

BE: Okay, you have thirty seconds now and I have my bbgun/taser ready if you don’t do it! I brought Carolyn if you guys didn’t do what I said.  (Fumbles inside her bag and out comes Carolyn Samuels, the main character of her YA novel, If I Could Be Like Jennifer Taylor. BE gives her the handcuffs.)

YLP: Charade? What charade? Gail, do you and Tobe have a thing going?

GDB:  I am the press!!!!  I don’t HAVE to do what U.R. Honor says!!!!!!!

BE: Sorry, guys I have no choice. (takes out her bbgun/taser and starts shooting above their heads.) I should have brought Jennifer. At least with her gymnastic ability she might have gotten us down there.

TAW: (gasps) She’s had enough! Watch out, everyone! She’s deploying her weapons array and firing out jellybean bullets! (stares at gooey mess dripping down windshield) Correction. That’s rotten eggs.

BE: I’m about to start shooting these at each of you and then cuffing you and take charge myself!! This is it!!! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...............................

TAW: Gail, don’t stall this machine! Hurry, do something!

(Cyberbug: Mayday, mayday, cyberbug 1, come in, come in!! I’m going down with the chopper!!!! Oooovvvveeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

To Be Continued…

Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!

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Thanks to Barbara Ehrentreu for guesting with I.B. Nosey! If you'd like your moment of fame in the Maniacal Madness world of that 'official unofficial' reporter, sign up! Instructions are listed on the left hand side of this blog. 

Coffee, Doughnuts, Hold the Persimmon

*For those readers viewing in IE, you will see notations scribbled by O. G. Whattapayne. We apologize for any inconvenience, but no one can transcribe her shorthand!*

COFFEE, DOUGHNUTS, HOLD THE PERSIMMON

Whisper from Cyberspace: When last we left this on-going legal drama at Flowers on the Fence Country, Nosey was in deep consultation with that Legal Eagle Eye Gail Branan. We resume our coverage of this high-voltage and – dare we say? – smelly – or not, as the case may be – litigation. We have secreted ourselves under a table in the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP, as Petunia the Skunk goes into Conference with her legal advisors. Listen closely as this broadcast might be precipitously interrupted in the event that – well, in the event that -- we get busted!

Y. Lee Persimmon (hereinafter “YLP”)strides forcefully into the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP with O. G. Whattapayne (hereinafter “OGW”) and Petunia the Skunk (hereinafter “Petunia”) following behind:

YLP (glancing at the Conference Table): Wait! Something’s wrong!

Cyber whisper: Oh, no! Busted already?

YLP: Coffee! Where’s the coffee tray? Where’re my doughnuts? What kinda of secretaries

are we hiring these days? Whattapayne! Handle it! Now!

OGW: Hey, I’m a lawyer, I’m not a –

YLP: Shut your face and do what I say! GET ME MY COFFEE!!

(OGW opens door and shouts down the hall): Hey! Can I get a coffee tray in here? ASAP! Whatdaya think we’re paying you for?

YLP: Doughnuts!

OGW: And don’t forget the doughnuts! (Under breath: Jeeeezzzzzz…….)

YLP: Okay! Now (slams hand down on table) let’s get to business here! Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this sleazy reporter – what’s his name?

OGW: I. B. Nosey.

YLP: Yes, you are. Now what’s the reporter’s name?

OGW: Nosey. That’s his name!

Petunia: Used to be, Carlos Santana said, that when a baby comes you can smell two things: the smell of flesh, which smells like chicken soup, and the smell of lilies, the flower of another garden, the spiritual garden. Used to be, says I, that when a skunk comes you can smell skunk, not skink or freaking pink! skink or freaking

YLP: You’re kiddin’ me, right? Okay. This Nosey –That’s really his name? (waves hand) Never mind. Now, Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this Nosey person – he presented you with a box of chocolates purportedly from Gumdrop Island and therefore purportedly of the highest possible quality, but which was, in fact, a generic knock-off from some cheap imitator, and it destroyed your DNA? You don’t aromatize? You don’t smell like a skunk anymore?

Petunia: Diana Ackerman, she says nothing is more memorable than a smell. I says that my DNA has been destroyed, ruined beyond repair, blotto, vanished, vamoosed. I look like a skunk, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.

k, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.

YLP: (Nods sympathetically) Yeah, I can see how that’d put a real crimp in your love life, there. Well, I think we have a good case, except what’s this I hear about Nosey already having an attorney?

Petunia: Miss Kilmansegg she says Poor Peggy hawks nosegays from street to street but she hates the smell of roses! Well, so do I. George Herbert says the best smell is bread, the best savour, salt, the best love that of children. But I say the best smell is skunk, and that has been taken away from me.

OGW: Well, he’s got a friend who works for lawyers. And she said she’d already talked to ‘em and they were taking his case. Here’s their card! (Pulls card out of Petunia’s file and passes to YLP)

YLP: (Stands up and screams) Not Tobe A. WiteNite! This can’t be. Of all the lawyers on this planet, she works for Tobe A. WiteNite! (walks around room, mumbling) – not good, not good at all. Why doesn’t the ground just open up and swallow me.

OGW: Well, I believe I have heard the name tossed around as being pretty good, but –

YLP: Pretty good! Pretty good this imbecile says! How long you been a lawyer anyway? WiteNite’s got the best trial record in the state! (continues to walk around the room mumbling) I’ve never won a case against him. (shakes her head) not good, not good at all.

Petunia: Bruce Buchanan said Texas comes out smelling like a rose so far, and I say so do I, and I freaking hate it. Do something. And just for the record I know you hate Nosey's lawyer, because...well, just because.

OGW: (Looking sheepish) Well, there’s always a first time, you know, and you always tell us not to pass up any case…

YLP: Pass it up! Are you crazy? No way, we’re passing this up. Oh, no! I want to beat WiteNite! In open Court! After all these years! (finally sits down) Oh yes, revenge is sweeter than a box of Gumdrop Island chocolates! (rubs hands together)

OGW: You’re lookin’ scary there, Boss. Like there’s a real vendetta goin’ on or something.

YLP: Never you mind how scary I’m looking. You’ve never seen scary! Now, what did you tell me about smoking gun in your holster there? Something we can use to lock this case up tight before we even file suit?

OGW: Oh, that was priceless! Before his friend got back to stop him, I had this Affidavit already ready for him, he admits to everything except the Lindburgh kidnapping! Come to think of it, I should have put that in there too! s

YLP: Well, let’s see it, girl! What’re you waiting for?

Petunia: Seth Eisenberg almost says that if it looks like whatsit, and feels like whatsit, you don't have to actually smell it to know it’s whatsit. But here I am, looking and – as you’ll know if you stroke my fur – feeling like a skunk, but not smelling like a skunk at all. Do something.

OGW: (Reaches in file to retrieve document) See? Here’s his signature, clear as daylight! (Hands to YLP)

YLP: (Scans it quickly, stands up and yella) Do you know what this means?

OGW: (Preening) Oh, yeah! It means – (standing and performing a bit of the Moonwalk) I’m good, I’m good, I’m good!!

YLP: (Throws the document down) It means you’re a moron! This is a receipt for a pizza delivery!!!

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To Be Continued at Next Posting.

Same Blog Time, Same Blog Channel!