And Awaaaayyy We Go!

(Whispers from cyberspace:  When last we left our hero, that intrepid cyberspace reporter I. B. Nosey, he was in DEEP TROUBLE!!!  His attempt to escape the clutches of a crowd of adoring fans – well, two of ‘em were adoring fans, anyway, the rest of ‘em not so much – he’d climbed a light pole.  However, the light pole being no match for seven women intent on attack, he was about to slide down into the mob.  Fortunately for our Nosey (and me, since I’m in his pocket), Gander is on the job! And is that --  YES!!  IT IS!!  A rescue life line coming down from the hovering helicopter manned by Gander!)

Gander:  Nosey!!  Grab the rescue line and hold on!!

Nosey: I’m covered in WD-40! Throw down a pair of gloves in case my hands chafe!

Gander:  No time, and your hands won’t chafe!!  And if they do, would you rather stay here?!

Nosey (over the roars of the frustrated women below): No way, man! Okay, I’ll give it a shot…edge closer--just a bit…(jumps and tangles in swaying rope. Slowly inches way into cockpit and collapses into seat). You always save me in the nick of time. Way to go!

Gander:  Man, don’t thank me yet!  (Shakes head)  Where you’re goin’, bud, you might be beggin’ me to bring you back.   No, I wouldn’t wanta be in your shoes, son.

Nosey: Huh? (blinks) Aren’t we headed for the control booth? Where you taking me?

Gander:  Hey, I just follow orders.  And you know who I take my orders from.

Nosey: (gulps and whispers) Not…her???

Gander:  Oh, yeah.  She who must REALLY  be obeyed.  Gum Drop Island, Ahoy!!

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Oh dear, oh dear!  I need back up!  How’m I gonna report events when I’m in the sky flying toward untold dangers?!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Calling Cyberbug 2!  Come in Cyberbug 2!!  Can you take over on the ground?!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Dummy!  Transport back!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 1:  No!  I might lose them!  You have to take over!!)

(Whispers from Cyberbug 2:  Ok, ok, ok!  But I don’t get paid enough for this!)

Gagga DeBore:  Quick!  To the Old Bag’s heliport on the top of the building!

Y. Lee Persimmon: (stops and looks at DeBore) You have a helicopter?

GDB:  Of course I have a helicopter!  Doesn’t everyone?  Oh, you mean a lawyer doesn’t make that kind of money?  I’m so sorry, sweetie!  Not!!  I didn’t realize you were living in poverty!

O. G. Whattapayne:  Ha!  No, that’s me!  Not her!  Your helicopter got room for all of us?

GDB:  Like I’m taking you and Persimmy?  I don’t think so!  These fans, now, they’re handy.  Like instant tracking devices.  And much cheaper than that idiot Inves T. Gator!  Girls! Felicity!  Peachy!   To the Bagmobile! 

 

FF:((runs toward DeBore and grabs Peachy by the arm) Squee! Quick let’s go before she changes her mind. Like a ride in a real helicopter.

P.K:  Ho, oh, hell-ee-cop-ter-wheee. There's a time and there's a place; So James Dean; So blue jeans; He's gonna save the world; He's gonna...

Petunia: Take off to a place I've never seen; I'll find it from my helicopter… lalalal…I'll get there in my helicopter…lalala the smell of paradise…the scent of success…the whiff of glory…

GDB:  No offense, honey, I know you’re the innocent party in all this, but I can’t take that perfume smell in closed quarters!

(Gagga and the fans pile into the Bagmobile and burn rubber)

OMG: Okay, boss.  What now?

YLP: (stomps her foot) Now what? You’re asking me now what? What do I pay you for. Get a helicopter here, NOW! Incompetent help.

(Whispers from Cyberspace:  Hello, friends, this is Cyberbug1 reporting live from the ground on Gum Drop Island.  Apparently, Gander’s helicopter is equipped with some hi-tech warp speed drive that makes transport almost instantaneous!  And we’re about to walk into – dare I say it?  The lair of She Who Must Really be Obeyed!!)

I’m peeping my little antennae over the edge of Nosey’s pocket and…what is this? What is this? Oh Saturday matinee shuddering horror, folks! Gander’s leading Nosey down one hall after another, doors silently shutting behind us. I’m lost, desperately lost, we’re just twisting and turning in a maze of long, I’m talking mile-long corridors, but-- uh oh. Pausing now before a solid wall marked with the initials MM. And--? For safety precautions, I’m ducking back inside the pocket.

You want to know why? I’ll tell you why!!! A flying robotic camera has appeared out of nowhere. I hear it humming mechanically and, and…oh, I’m too curious! I have to know what’s happening. Here I am again, peeking out.

Oooh, it’s flicking an encircling light first around Gander, and then down Nosey from head to toe. Oops. It’s hovering before Nosey’s glasses, its electronic eye probing straight into his.)

Nosey: (whispers) Gander, what’s it doing?

Gander: It’s not seen you before. Stand still. Don’t even breathe.

Nosey: I have to breathe. You have to breathe. My mama has to breathe. All creatures have to breathe.

Gander: (grits teeth) Will you shut up??

Camera utters feminine silky voice, “Authenticating bumbling, fumbling, bizarre, wild and crazy, one-of-a-kind, official unofficial cyberspace reporter I.B. Nosey. Proceed.”

Panel opens and Gander pushes Nosey inside. He spins back around.

Nosey: Aren’t you coming?

Gander: It said for you, not me, to proceed.

Nosey: But--

Panel shuts.

(Cyberbug: Holy high drama, have we entered a James Bond world?)

Nosey slowly pivots, staring at the semi-darkened room, a floor-to-ceiling screen occupying the far side. A chair swivels and a shapely petite form rises and approaches, staccato heels tapping sharply on floor.

MM: Close your mouth, Nosey. I’m fresh out of Choco-Moo Root Beer Jolly Folly lollipops.

Nosey: But I…(gulps) You look just like that photo stuck on the top of my blog.

MM: Uh huh.

Nosey: You’re beautiful.

MM: Naturally. You don’t think I’m going to write myself up as being ugly, do you?

Nosey: (gives nervous chuckle) Say, Boss Lady. What gives? I’ve never been here before.

MM: Of course not. This is the first time I’ve written you in this situation, isn’t it? (sighs) How did you get so far off track? I simply had you on your way to Gum Drop Island to give a new possum brush for Heathcliff to clean his trenchcoat with. You just had to allow Petunia into your yard to eat those chocolates, didn’t you?

Nosey: I was headed to Gum Drop, honest, Boss Lady. But some kid came to my door with that box of candy. One look at that taped up wrapper and I knew it was counterfeit, so I tossed ‘em. It’s not my fault if Petunia waddled along and gobbled them down, is it? Hey, you mind if I ask what this gadgetry is?

MM: The computer screen? That’s my storyboard. You’ll see how I have each character listed, their personalities, and where I plan to take them in the plot. Although, all of you are acting strangely.

Nosey: (nods) No one’s sticking to their scripts, Boss Lady. That’s what I keep telling ‘em. You’ve heard me say that more than once, right? I’m the hero, but no one appreciates how hard you stress that, Boss Lady. No one listens to me. You think you can drop an anvil on these characters just to, you know, wake ‘em up?

MM: Tsk, tsk, Nosey. That doesn’t happen in Gum Drop Island World. But wait just a second…(peers closer at Nosey). Where did you get this jacket?

Nosey: It’s my regular interviewing tweedy-weedy jacket. The one you always write me up wearing.

MM: JQ Rose mentions your jacket quite a bit. And…(fingers jacket lapel) No wonder! Nosey, this is not your tweedy-weedy jacket! This one is weedy-tweedy!

Nosey: Huh?

MM: And the script? (tears it from Nosey’s breast pocket) This is not my script! Not the one I’ve written! Oh, this is the work of Smella Ratt!

(A ringing phone interrupts this tense confrontation, and MM hits the speaker button.  Whose voice will we hear?!)

Gail:  Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.  But you have made this investigation into the international world of counterfeit chocolate confectioners a nightmare from the Black Lagoon, you know that?  Now, before this investigation into Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy blows up like a nuclear bomb in all our faces, you listen to MM!  Because this thing is bigger than you ever imagined!  It’s all the way into New York and New Jersey and we have to recruit an agent to infiltrate Fat Boys’ New York office.  So it’s a dang good thing we e-writers from all over can count on each other!  Now, do you hear me?!

Nosey: (cleans ear with finger) How can I help with the way you’re screeching?

MM: Did you pick up on what she said about Fat Lip Boys Counterfeit Candy?

Nosey: Uh, which part? She sorta lost me after she yelled, ‘Nosey, I don’t know how you do it.’

MM: The part about recruiting an agent to infiltrate Fat Lips Boys’ New York office.

Nosey: Oh yeah, that. (eyes widen) You don’t mean…?

MM: I’m typing the scene up right now.

Nosey: You can’t! I mean, me? Why me? (groans) I know nothing about any fat boys. Fat fans who chase me all over creation, certainly, but those are all girls, you understand.

MM: But this will be exciting, Nosey! Dangerous, maybe, but you’re the hero, right? What can happen, especially if I’m behind the keyboard plotting out your every move?

Gail over phone: And me. I’m here too!

Nosey: (gulps) All of a sudden, I don’t feel too good.

MM: Uh oh. (looks at blinking computer screen) Those blimps indicate unidentified intruders over Gum Drop air space.  Gail, what do you know about this?

Gail from phone:  Don’t you have the shields up?!  I told you Gagga DeBore has a helicopter!!

To Be Continued…

Same Nosey Time, Same Nosey Channel!

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Coffee, Doughnuts, Hold the Persimmon

*For those readers viewing in IE, you will see notations scribbled by O. G. Whattapayne. We apologize for any inconvenience, but no one can transcribe her shorthand!*

COFFEE, DOUGHNUTS, HOLD THE PERSIMMON

Whisper from Cyberspace: When last we left this on-going legal drama at Flowers on the Fence Country, Nosey was in deep consultation with that Legal Eagle Eye Gail Branan. We resume our coverage of this high-voltage and – dare we say? – smelly – or not, as the case may be – litigation. We have secreted ourselves under a table in the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP, as Petunia the Skunk goes into Conference with her legal advisors. Listen closely as this broadcast might be precipitously interrupted in the event that – well, in the event that -- we get busted!

Y. Lee Persimmon (hereinafter “YLP”)strides forcefully into the War Room of ShutUrFace & DoWhatISay, LLP with O. G. Whattapayne (hereinafter “OGW”) and Petunia the Skunk (hereinafter “Petunia”) following behind:

YLP (glancing at the Conference Table): Wait! Something’s wrong!

Cyber whisper: Oh, no! Busted already?

YLP: Coffee! Where’s the coffee tray? Where’re my doughnuts? What kinda of secretaries

are we hiring these days? Whattapayne! Handle it! Now!

OGW: Hey, I’m a lawyer, I’m not a –

YLP: Shut your face and do what I say! GET ME MY COFFEE!!

(OGW opens door and shouts down the hall): Hey! Can I get a coffee tray in here? ASAP! Whatdaya think we’re paying you for?

YLP: Doughnuts!

OGW: And don’t forget the doughnuts! (Under breath: Jeeeezzzzzz…….)

YLP: Okay! Now (slams hand down on table) let’s get to business here! Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this sleazy reporter – what’s his name?

OGW: I. B. Nosey.

YLP: Yes, you are. Now what’s the reporter’s name?

OGW: Nosey. That’s his name!

Petunia: Used to be, Carlos Santana said, that when a baby comes you can smell two things: the smell of flesh, which smells like chicken soup, and the smell of lilies, the flower of another garden, the spiritual garden. Used to be, says I, that when a skunk comes you can smell skunk, not skink or freaking pink! skink or freaking

YLP: You’re kiddin’ me, right? Okay. This Nosey –That’s really his name? (waves hand) Never mind. Now, Miss Petunia, as I understand it, this Nosey person – he presented you with a box of chocolates purportedly from Gumdrop Island and therefore purportedly of the highest possible quality, but which was, in fact, a generic knock-off from some cheap imitator, and it destroyed your DNA? You don’t aromatize? You don’t smell like a skunk anymore?

Petunia: Diana Ackerman, she says nothing is more memorable than a smell. I says that my DNA has been destroyed, ruined beyond repair, blotto, vanished, vamoosed. I look like a skunk, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.

k, but I don’t smell like one. I’m a disgrace to skunkdom. I haven’t had a date in ages.

YLP: (Nods sympathetically) Yeah, I can see how that’d put a real crimp in your love life, there. Well, I think we have a good case, except what’s this I hear about Nosey already having an attorney?

Petunia: Miss Kilmansegg she says Poor Peggy hawks nosegays from street to street but she hates the smell of roses! Well, so do I. George Herbert says the best smell is bread, the best savour, salt, the best love that of children. But I say the best smell is skunk, and that has been taken away from me.

OGW: Well, he’s got a friend who works for lawyers. And she said she’d already talked to ‘em and they were taking his case. Here’s their card! (Pulls card out of Petunia’s file and passes to YLP)

YLP: (Stands up and screams) Not Tobe A. WiteNite! This can’t be. Of all the lawyers on this planet, she works for Tobe A. WiteNite! (walks around room, mumbling) – not good, not good at all. Why doesn’t the ground just open up and swallow me.

OGW: Well, I believe I have heard the name tossed around as being pretty good, but –

YLP: Pretty good! Pretty good this imbecile says! How long you been a lawyer anyway? WiteNite’s got the best trial record in the state! (continues to walk around the room mumbling) I’ve never won a case against him. (shakes her head) not good, not good at all.

Petunia: Bruce Buchanan said Texas comes out smelling like a rose so far, and I say so do I, and I freaking hate it. Do something. And just for the record I know you hate Nosey's lawyer, because...well, just because.

OGW: (Looking sheepish) Well, there’s always a first time, you know, and you always tell us not to pass up any case…

YLP: Pass it up! Are you crazy? No way, we’re passing this up. Oh, no! I want to beat WiteNite! In open Court! After all these years! (finally sits down) Oh yes, revenge is sweeter than a box of Gumdrop Island chocolates! (rubs hands together)

OGW: You’re lookin’ scary there, Boss. Like there’s a real vendetta goin’ on or something.

YLP: Never you mind how scary I’m looking. You’ve never seen scary! Now, what did you tell me about smoking gun in your holster there? Something we can use to lock this case up tight before we even file suit?

OGW: Oh, that was priceless! Before his friend got back to stop him, I had this Affidavit already ready for him, he admits to everything except the Lindburgh kidnapping! Come to think of it, I should have put that in there too! s

YLP: Well, let’s see it, girl! What’re you waiting for?

Petunia: Seth Eisenberg almost says that if it looks like whatsit, and feels like whatsit, you don't have to actually smell it to know it’s whatsit. But here I am, looking and – as you’ll know if you stroke my fur – feeling like a skunk, but not smelling like a skunk at all. Do something.

OGW: (Reaches in file to retrieve document) See? Here’s his signature, clear as daylight! (Hands to YLP)

YLP: (Scans it quickly, stands up and yella) Do you know what this means?

OGW: (Preening) Oh, yeah! It means – (standing and performing a bit of the Moonwalk) I’m good, I’m good, I’m good!!

YLP: (Throws the document down) It means you’re a moron! This is a receipt for a pizza delivery!!!

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To Be Continued at Next Posting.

Same Blog Time, Same Blog Channel!